Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Check your custody papers. In Louisiana, it is clearly written that neither parent shall degrade the other in any way in the presence of the child. If he's doing that, he may be in contempt of court and you can take him to court to have that stopped.
Yes, most divorce papers have a paragraph or two about such behavior, but every trip to the courthouse costs you roughly $15,000 by the time motions are filed, cross motions are filed, responses are prepared (all while the lawyer's clock is ticking away at $350 per hour) and then you finally go to court where things might work out...or not. If you get the award you wish, you are right back where you started: relying on the other party to be decent. People don't change just because someone (the judge) said so, and for which there is no penalty except after maybe years and years and thousands and thousands of dollars.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi60
Do not under estimate a child's ability to see the truth, even when they don't have capacity to respond. Please don't expect your son to hug in front of the enemy since he needs to navigate his world in their home. He will know and remember who is treating him with love and respect daily without manipulation. His failure to hug you in front of them will only enforce more of the same behavior from them so save the hugs until you two are away from their view, and enjoy!
Take the high road. Always. Kids figure it out pretty quickly, and they are very resilient.
My ex was the nastiest, most hurtful, narcistic attorney you can imagine. She had worked for a slimy divorce lawyer and learned every dirty trick in the books regarding divorce. The things she told our children were SO hurtful and amazingly untrue that the children were pretty quick to dismiss her ranting, but still toed the line in her presence.
Years later one is getting married next month. Mom is NOT Invited.
I'm so sorry. Been there and done that by my ex. To this day, over 20 years later, he still has issues with me, even my daughter said it. She told me that he knows he screwed up, he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He has never remarried, nor does he stay with women much longer than 3 years because that's when he changes. He did the same with me except I stayed another 4 years to not upset the lives of my kids. I was a single parent with my son for 7 years, I stuck it out until he became violent with my son.
He did the same thing to my daughter but he succeeded in getting her to turn against me. He told her things he should not have such as why we divorced. I took the high road, mommy and daddy couldn't get along. Never bad mouthed him, to this day I still do not. It took my daughter until she was about 14 before she realized I was not anything like what he said.
I took him to court for doing it. The judge was not happy with him, told him to stop or his visitation would be affected. The judge went on my word alone. We didn't have all the recording devices that are out now. You really need to record your son telling you whatever he does. I wish I could remember exactly what I said to my daughter the times she did blurt out something. I was not cheerful about it. I was also not mad either. I probably said something like you're whatever age, you know that I have never done or said something like that. I don't know why daddy and grandma would think that.
I agree to consider a therapist if he will talk to one. I took my daughter to one, in the end she would not write me a letter for court. I dropped her.
The best therapy my daughter had was a woman who's probably not alive any more. She was a children's book author with her son. She used play therapy, crafting with the older kids. It helped to get kids more relaxed so that they did not feel like they were being grilled. It was just a conversation while playing or crafting. I don't know how many do it these days. She was the only one back then.
I think your ex knows he screwed up by leaving you. You've made a good life for you and your son, he resents it. His mother goes along with him probably because of whatever BS he's told her. Thankful my ex's mother was my favorite MIL, I was still visiting her with my daughter until she passed last year. She never held anything against me. Neither did his oldest sister. His youngest sister who
I was close to was the one who was mad with me. Unfortunately we never made peace before she passed from a heart attack at age 40.
Great advice. I'm not sure if a therapist would help the kid develop skills to deal with it. The ex needs to stop talking crap. I say take him to court once the OP has evidence.
It depends on the age , but I’d say any help Is important, and a record established that can show this behaviour is having a detrimental impact is important to have if it went to family court.
Interesting, I was just today talking with a close friend about her husband and how his mother always bad-mouthed the father(who had split up with her and kept away for some time after that but reconnected eventually).
Right now the son is at a point where he is starting to realize how much psychological manipulation the mother had done to him and to see his mom and dad more objectively I'd say.
I don't really have advice for what you should do, I've never been in a situation like that, but from the talk today it was made clear to me that whatever we do, some time we find it in front of us. Take care and treat your son with love, be there for him like you are already doing.
Some people take out their problems on others and it may be unfair, but it happens. Showing your son that someone can rise through a difficult situation and treat others with respect and understanding is a valuable lesson regardless of the situation and I think this is what you have done until now.
For sure it must be difficult at times, dealing with that situation, so don't forget that when you are with your son it's your time with him. Don't let hate and misery become the focus. I'm sure your son understands that you love him. ^^
TL;DR: I wish you fun with your son and don't worry - you got this
Love your son through all of this vitriol. That's the most important thing to keep focused on. He'll get it, if not now, eventually he will. Your ex and his mother should just be vaulted in your mind, sealed off and ignored as best you can. Don't alienate yourself from the situation by being absent, worst thing you could do, that's what they want. Your son is the important piece in this, try to keep him out of this unfortunate but all too common situation. I agree with your psychologist, you cannot control the behavior of someone else, only yourself. People who dig holes for others (your ex and his mother) usually end up falling in themselves. It may not be on your time line, but they eventually will fall in. Don't you dig holes, I would forget all the rigmarole involved with going to court for retribution or custody changes, it rarely works the way you want it to and it will just cause more chaos in your life. You are to be commended for taking control, getting a full time job, and surviving "very well" in your own words. Focus on that, your son, and discard the rest as best you can. Yes, it can be a constant source of hurt but the more you resist taking on that hurt, the more your ex and his mother will have to hold their vitriol for themselves, if you don't let them give it to you. Understand? Don't accept their crap, stay above the fray, stay positive, love your son, forget about them and let them hold their own negativity and they will eventually fall. If you fight back, try to punish your ex, go to court, hire an attorney, it will backfire on you, not them. If you take on their insults and internalize them, they win, if you can brush it off and focus on the love for your son, they lose. Love for your son will really conquer all of this, it really will. Yes it's hurtful, yes it causes you pain, but learn to let it roll off and practice keeping your focus on your son. Show your son that you're staying in the "game", you're there for him, you will not cower back, you will stand strong and positive, that will be one of the best lessons you will ever teach him by example, and it will show your ex and his mother that you're not going to be injured by their insults. Life is full of the vitriol you are describing, it could be an ex, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a boss, a co-worker, a "friend", the sky is the limit on how much crap we have to endure at the hands of others, it's how we react to it and handle it that's important. We can't change the behavior of other people.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
