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I have fifteen years on you, OP, choose a solitary life and find that you don't miss what you've never had. Much like yourself, I think it's a great relief to have no-one else to worry about or answer to.
Some will tell you romantic love is a basic human need and that to be without it is not to live at all. That's fine for them, but in no way is it true for everyone.
I don't want a "solitary life". Friendships are absolutely essential to my life and and most of my friends are people I've known since I was 5.
But having a place of my own, not having to ask anybody beforehand if I can spend a certain amount of money, not having to deal with temper tantrums besides my own, etc, that is priceless.
I hear you. However, people break intergenerational cycles multiple ways. Some become the loving parents their own parents were not because they have the right insight and self-awareness to do so, either naturally or with the help of a therapist. Others simply don't have kids. Neither way is wrong.
I get what you're trying to say but most of the time that doesn't happen, unfortunately. There's too much at stake to even risk it. I will die knowing that not bringing another miserable human being into the world was within my power and that I've used that power.
Besides, I would have to have children with someone and that obviously won't be happening either. I'm my own contraceptive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seija
I don't agree that work is "the way the world works." Work-life balance is critical to good mental health and emotional well-being. Plenty of people manage to have both successful careers and happy personal lives. It is largely a matter of drawing boundaries and sticking to them.
I use work as a way to pass the time and earn money. There's nothing particularly exciting about it. I would be a full-time writer if I could but since that's not not feasible, I crunch numbers for a consultancy company.
Being happy within myself is a work in progress and there are many things I hope to change or improve but that process, like everything, is easier on my own.
Yes, I believe that it's something that needs to be learned. It's not innate.
I get what you're trying to say but most of the time that doesn't happen, unfortunately. There's too much at stake to even risk it. I will die knowing that not bringing another miserable human being into the world was within my power and that I've used that power.
Besides, I would have to have children with someone and that obviously won't be happening either. I'm my own contraceptive.
I use work as a way to pass the time and earn money. There's nothing particularly exciting about it. I would be a full-time writer if I could but since that's not not feasible, I crunch numbers for a consultancy company.
Learning to pick up girls is something that needs to be learned as well through trial and error, like hitting a fast ball. Right now you are rationalizing you don't want what you never had. Maybe you can't imagine enjoying having to compromise on much of what you might want to keep a mate happy, and doing life as a team. Or enjoying changing poopy diapers at 3 o'clock in the morning, and watching that child learn and grow into adulthood. I guess it depends on your perspective. Whether you believe that glass would be half full or half empty?
I never understood guys who "didn't want to give up their freedom". My freedom was never worth that much anyway. Loneliness, lack of affection, lack of regular sex, no future plans. When I met my future wife I couldn't wait to give up my freedom. We met almost 50 years ago and I never looked back.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerouacc
30 and never dated. Is it normal for relationships to lose importance as I age?
IMO our relationships get more important…not less. AND how can you say relationships are less important for you now….when you have never been in one? That’s like somebody thinking they have all the answers about love but they have never been in love.
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Originally Posted by Kerouacc
I'm a 30 yo guy who has never had a girlfriend or even a date. No, I'm not horrendously bad-looking. Just your average Joe that you see in the street every day and would never look at him twice.
I've had severe anxiety issues since I was 16 and it was left untreated until I was 25. Now I take a very light anti-anxiety medication and can have a perfectly functional life without such extreme peaks of anxiety.
I’m sry about your anxiety but if your life is perfectly functional since you were 25….why have you still never been on a date? IMO that’s not a “perfectly functional life”.
You don't need to date or have romantically intimate relationships to be functional/live a happy life. It's all completely dependent on the person and what they want. If you don't care/never cared to date or form romantic relationships with others, then there is no issue. If you do want a relationship/your own family then you need to start making steps towards that.
You’re only 30. As recently as three years ago you were attracted to a woman. If romantic relationships feel less important, it could be a result of your meds.
However, if you feel good right now, accept it gratefully. Just don’t close the door on new experiences. I hope you find time to pursue your passion for writing. Sounds good.
I'm a 30 yo guy who has never had a girlfriend or even a date. No, I'm not horrendously bad-looking. Just your average Joe that you see in the street every day and would never look at him twice.
I've had severe anxiety issues since I was 16 and it was left untreated until I was 25. Now I take a very light anti-anxiety medication and can have a perfectly functional life without such extreme peaks of anxiety.
Needless to say, my college years were equivalent to the Dark Ages. I always felt "left-out" because I was the one who never dated and I seriously believed it would only get worse I as got older.
However, it actually got better. I completely underestimated how the responsibilities of adult life take over your priorities to the point that having one less person to worry about is a blessing. Mind you, I was very very fond a woman when I was 27 and still think about her once in a while (can you call it love if it's one-sided?). Of course she never knew anything about it.
In the past couple of years, though, I've noticed how relationships are sort of a topic that naturally falls further and further behind in my list of priorities as working hours increase. If you'd asked me how it would be at 30 when I was 20, I would probably say I would be desperately looking for a girlfriend.
Has anyone has ever been through the same process?
Hi OP,
I'm in the same situation as you never dated, never kissed, still a virgin, albeit I'm 5 years older, I started a thread also on here recently.
I had (and still have to certain extent) social anxiety which I'm currently receiving therapy (CBT) for. My situation has led to severe depression, social isolation and have considered suicide many times previously. My issues generally revolve around not being able to connect with people and forming friendships (particularly with women).
So I am trying to address this by engaging in more social activities and improve my social skills, its the only way I'm going to help overcome anxiety. I still feel pessimistic about my chances but just want to assure you there are plenty of us out there in your situation.
I never understood guys who "didn't want to give up their freedom". My freedom was never worth that much anyway. Loneliness, lack of affection, lack of regular sex, no future plans.
Just the opposite here. My freedom is everything, and having to compromise it to make room for someone else doesn't appeal to me at all.
I have future plans out the wazoo, and I'm not keen to filter them through the lens of what a partner is willing to do. I can handle loneliness, affection makes me uneasy and I manage regular sex quite well if you give me ten minutes and some suitable material.
If I notice I'm becoming closer to someone and thinking fondly of them, I treat that person like family rather than a love interest. I'm not comfortable with romantic attachments and prefer to avoid them. Different strokes for different folks, obviously.
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That’s like somebody thinking they have all the answers about love but they have never been in love.
