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I’m sry about your anxiety but if your life is perfectly functional since you were 25….why have you still never been on a date? IMO that’s not a “perfectly functional life”.
If you can hold down a job, keep the bills paid and afford to buy food, you're fine. Dating is optional.
You’re only 30. As recently as three years ago you were attracted to a woman. If romantic relationships feel less important, it could be a result of your meds.
Better 'I'm already 30'. In my generation there's cancer guaranteed at around 40 so it's not like there's a ton of time left.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
However, if you feel good right now, accept it gratefully. Just don’t close the door on new experiences. I hope you find time to pursue your passion for writing. Sounds good.
I've had a story in my mind that I'd would like to write a book about. I've got all the main sequence of events written down, all the character development done, etc. But it's actually better I don't have the time to write full-time. I'm an avid reader and the quality of my writing would never amount to what I've read myself. It would be very stressful. So it's better that stays in the realm of fantasy forever.
I don't want a "solitary life". Friendships are absolutely essential to my life and and most of my friends are people I've known since I was 5.
But having a place of my own, not having to ask anybody beforehand if I can spend a certain amount of money, not having to deal with temper tantrums besides my own, etc, that is priceless.
Girlfriends start out as friends. It’s unusual to have your friends all date back to when you were 5 years old.
Personally, in my many relationships over the years, I’ve only discussed finances before a major purchase with committed long term relationships. That’s like buying a house or a vacation home or a car or a boat. Money is only a point of contention if you spend more than you earn. If you’re with someone who can’t manage money, things will train wreck eventually. Most grown up 30 year old women have careers, homes, and can manage money just fine. If you start out as friends, you’ll know about that behavior problem long before you start establishing a relationship.
I think you’re rationalizing your insecurities. I didn’t date until I was into my 20s. I eventually outgrew those insecurities we all have.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scribbles76
If you can hold down a job, keep the bills paid and afford to buy food, you're fine. Dating is optional.
Tho you’re kind of saying the difference between surviving & living IMO. It’s not like marriage or children are necessary but it’s not a healthy & functioning life for the O.P. to never have been on a date at 30…especially when he is talking about relationships being less important now. Because he never had one.
Not wanting to be in a relationship is optional ofc. Tho never having been on a date for somebody with anxiety who is 30? It’s not fully functioning IMO, since he asked about “normal” up there.^^
Girlfriends start out as friends. It’s unusual to have your friends all date back to when you were 5 years old.
Yes, I know that but we're a close knit group of friends even though we don't see each other often (most of them have established lives with their partners and that's why). People I've met later at university are more like "booze friends" or acquaintances than real friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD
I think you’re rationalizing your insecurities. I didn’t date until I was into my 20s. I eventually outgrew those insecurities we all have.
Perhaps that's true, perhaps it isn't. What I was trying to say is that it came as a surprise to myself that relationships lost importance in my life as I grew older. I completely underestimated how the sheer exhaustion from the daily grind of adult life can put a lid on that.
I guess we all do the best we can with what we have. The OP seems happy with his situation so I'm not even sure what this thread is about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by scribbles76
Just the opposite here. My freedom is everything, and having to compromise it to make room for someone else doesn't appeal to me at all.
I have future plans out the wazoo, and I'm not keen to filter them through the lens of what a partner is willing to do. I can handle loneliness, affection makes me uneasy and I manage regular sex quite well if you give me ten minutes and some suitable material.
If I notice I'm becoming closer to someone and thinking fondly of them, I treat that person like family rather than a love interest. I'm not comfortable with romantic attachments and prefer to avoid them. Different strokes for different folks, obviously.
Tho if he was happy….he wouldn’t have asked the question if being 30 & never dated is normal.^^
Many posted back it wasn't normal but he seems OK with that. I think most people with lifestyles different than the norm are OK with it. They already know it's not the norm.
Tho if he was happy….he wouldn’t have asked the question if being 30 & never dated is normal.^^
He didn't ask if it was "normal". See below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerouacc
I'm a 30 yo guy who has never had a girlfriend or even a date. No, I'm not horrendously bad-looking. Just your average Joe that you see in the street every day and would never look at him twice.
I've had severe anxiety issues since I was 16 and it was left untreated until I was 25. Now I take a very light anti-anxiety medication and can have a perfectly functional life without such extreme peaks of anxiety.
Needless to say, my college years were equivalent to the Dark Ages. I always felt "left-out" because I was the one who never dated and I seriously believed it would only get worse I as got older.
However, it actually got better. I completely underestimated how the responsibilities of adult life take over your priorities to the point that having one less person to worry about is a blessing. Mind you, I was very very fond a woman when I was 27 and still think about her once in a while (can you call it love if it's one-sided?). Of course she never knew anything about it.
In the past couple of years, though, I've noticed how relationships are sort of a topic that naturally falls further and further behind in my list of priorities as working hours increase. If you'd asked me how it would be at 30 when I was 20, I would probably say I would be desperately looking for a girlfriend.
Has anyone has ever been through the same process?
There are any number of people in your shoes, even at your age. Probably more people than you realize.
As another poster said, Dating is optional. If you find yourself uninterested in dating, that's o.k. Some people date for a while and then take a break from it, or realize that the 'hassles' of dating simply aren't worth the effort. Some people never date. All perfectly o.k. Also, it doesn't mean you couldn't change your mind later on, if you wanted to.
But if you don't change your mind, it's perfectly o.k.
I don't want a "solitary life". Friendships are absolutely essential to my life and and most of my friends are people I've known since I was 5.
But having a place of my own, not having to ask anybody beforehand if I can spend a certain amount of money, not having to deal with temper tantrums besides my own, etc, that is priceless.
Then have at it! That's how I feel, too.
My situation is different, however. I am much older than you are (55), have been married, have had plenty of relationships. It is easy for someone like me who has "been there, done that" to say they've had enough, simply because the older you get, the more set in your ways you become and compromises require more effort on your part. I cherish my freedom and space because to be completely honest, I don't have the energy for anything more.
However, I do not regret any of my relationships and would feel much poorer in spirit if I had never had them. Most relationships help you grow as a human being. Even when they aren't so great, if you have the humility to be objective about your own mistakes so that you can learn from them, you can grow from them. And love is pretty wonderful. If I had to do it all again, I absolutely would, including suffering the heartbreaks and tears of break-ups. Every man enriched my life in some way, and I learned a lot about people, the world, life, and myself.
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In my generation there's cancer guaranteed at around 40 so it's not like there's a ton of time left. 
