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Do you think your dad took the time or efforts to develop your insights?
I don't. He drank. That's not why I used the drunk analogy above though. That just fit. But he was born 100 years ago, and not many people in his generation did much soul searching. He was no more comfortable with people than I am, so he drank to fit in. And then to cope with day to day stresses, and finally because the day ended in a Y.
Having lived with him I drink maybe twice per year, more if enough people are getting married or having big round number birthdays I suspect I'm better off not drinking, and I know I'm healthier, but so much socializing when your young is drenched in alcohol, and being the sober one around a bunch of drunks telling the punch line of jokes before the set up isn't as much fun as it sounds like. Maybe not drinking was an excuse to avoid socializing. Maybe my ****ing threads are almost always more like a public journal entry than I intend, or than I'm willing to admit I intend them to be
Maybe my peace is in knowing I'm better than he was, despite our starting out so similar and his dragging me down.
What more can we strive for than "to be better than...?"
It is SO much easier "to be worse than" or the "same as."
Much of life is a series of small wins, or losses. I don't think improving on what spawned us is trivial.
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Peace, for me, is being able to view my traumas from a different perspective outside of the experience itself and being able to function without them interfering with my daily life. Trauma isn’t something that a person can ever really forget, but if you’re able to move forward without it controlling your entire life you’ve made positive progress. Cognitive Processing Therapy helped me A LOT
OP, reading some of what you've posted here causes me to think that maybe you sometimes still try to change the past, at least (of course) in your mind. I did that unsuccessfully for years. I don't know what finally caused me to realize it was a waste of time. (probably just the repeated failure, lol) Thinking about this more now as I post here, I've probably just redirected those efforts into the fierceness with which I approach my "tasks".
Mantras are helpful to me also. Anything that helps me cope. "This too shall pass"... "It is what it is"... "Do the right thing" (thank you Spike Lee)... "I'm stronger than this"... And if it is only mildly stressful - "Everything will be alright in the end, so if everything is not alright, it's not the end" (thank you Dev Patel in Best Exotic Marigold Hotel") ...
Maybe focusing on the victories you have had will help to calm the demons. And as Mikala wrote above, being better (although I don't like the word better in this context - more specific descriptors are more helpful to me.. such as stronger, kinder, smarter, more compassionate or fair) is no small feat. We are all only human, after all. Animals with the ability to reason.
Something else that helps me sometimes is thinking about all the other people in my tormenter's life and the harm that was done to them. I'm not the only one. Am I able to handle it as well as they were? Am I able to handle it better? Can I pay what I've learned forward with even a miniscule act of kindness that will soften this tough old world a bit and even further dilute the evil that my tormentor (and others) dish out? Ah, yes. I think I can.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 12-16-2021 at 04:49 AM..
My mantras are from Paramahansa Yogananda's books. And sometimes I might modify them.
A few years ago I had a note on my bathroom's mirror. It said on it: "God loves you, his child, as much as he loves Jesus." I had a terrible period at the time and that note...helped me tremendously. Every time I would go to the bathroom, I wood read that note on the mirror. I kept it there for about a year. So helpful!
I'm happy other people use this method. It's very effective. Pictures, quotations, mantras...doesn't matter what one uses as long as there is a positive change.
OP, reading some of what you've posted here causes me to think that maybe you sometimes still try to change the past, at least (of course) in your mind. I did that unsuccessfully for years. I don't know what finally caused me to realize it was a waste of time. (probably just the repeated failure, lol) Thinking about this more now as I post here, I've probably just redirected those efforts into the fierceness with which I approach my "tasks".
Mantras are helpful to me also. Anything that helps me cope. "This too shall pass"... "It is what it is"... "Do the right thing" (thank you Spike Lee)... "I'm stronger than this"... And if it is only mildly stressful - "Everything will be alright in the end, so if everything is not alright, it's not the end" (thank you Dev Patel in Best Exotic Marigold Hotel") ...
Maybe focusing on the victories you have had will help to calm the demons. And as Mikala wrote above, being better (although I don't like the word better in this context - more specific descriptors are more helpful to me.. such as stronger, kinder, smarter, more compassionate or fair) is no small feat. We are all only human, after all. Animals with the ability to reason.
Something else that helps me sometimes is thinking about all the other people in my tormenter's life and the harm that was done to them. I'm not the only one. Am I able to handle it as well as they were? Am I able to handle it better? Can I pay what I've learned forward with even a miniscule act of kindness that will soften this tough old world a bit and even further dilute the evil that my tormentor (and others) dish out? Ah, yes. I think I can.
There's an element of that. In my mind as you say.
I tell myself that dwelling on the past is like worrying. It's a misapplication of my quite good problem solving skills. I know I can't change the past, but some of my thoughts only make sense in a context where I could. I think of times where had I made a different choice or had different choices been made for me, doors that closed would have remained open and I'd have walked through. I'm being vague, but there are 5 or 10 turning points I've thought of this way, and in no case was I able to go back in time and choose differently
Things I needed were behind those doors and not having those things diminished my life in real ways. Ways not unique but still real and personal. Some doors did open later and I'm grateful for that. Some opened late enough that what was behind them had gone sour. Others are sealed shut. That's the kindest believable story I can tell myself.
Peace for me is accepting that story with the sadness it's due but no more, and without trying to change it.
I also remember that the part of me that's hurt is my child self. Children need good parenting and it is our responsibility to provide that to our hurt little self.
Otherwise you know what children are apt to do - they take over control. So I discipline my hurt little girl by not allowing her to keep repeating her hurt in my ear. No ruminating allowed. No reciting my woes.
In exchange for her stillness I treat her well and kindly and that's a hard thing to do. Every time I berate myself for making a mistake I add to her hurt. So I work to tell myself positive things instead.
It's helped me to picture it out just like that - a hurt self that needs comforting and self-control and an adult me who is able to provide it.
Well. I can contrast what it was like when it was NOT peaceful, to what it is like now.
Before, when I was in the middle of traumatic times, I had a lot of stomach pain. I had a wrinkle between my brows that has now faded away. I carried a lot more tension physically in my body. Before, I had no space to process my inner mind, so much as my mind was occupied with imaginary diatribes against the person causing my trauma. All the things I wish he would have understood, that he never listened to. The things I could not say, because I just didn't want more fighting. Before, I smoked a lot more because hour after hour was spent in a smelly garage, disassociating while being yelled at.
I can remember enough about what that was like, to know that this is relative peace.
I'm not going to completely forget. How do I "put it behind me and leave it there?" If that means never thinking about it, I don't know if I will get there. But my "thinking time" (in the shower for instance, or when I used to have a commute) is no longer full of those imaginary conversations...I don't talk to him in my head anymore. I used to dwell on my problems every day, or fantasize about what life could be if only I were free of my situation. Now I can contemplate something about philosophy, or how to solve a problem at work...something that doesn't put my gut in knots, or make wrinkles on my face. Even talking about things, once I get some space and healing (I guess) from them...I may be reminded of the bad times or traumas sometimes, but my head just doesn't feel so full of that anymore.
I feel a little distance from it even when speaking of it. It is more academic. Clinical. Not laden with stress or anxiety.
Though there is still sadness sometimes. The feeling that things did not have to be the way that they were. I don't really know if that will ever go away. I still feel sadness over things from my childhood at times, and that was so long ago.
But I'm speaking to this in the way that you phrased it...peace does not always mean happiness. It just means calm, freedom from fear and anxiety and violence, those jangly alarm bells that tell us that we're in danger. I think that you can be at peace with a thing and still be sad about it.
I think grieving it means acceptance, Sonic, and it certainly is worth grieving.
I sometimes feel sorry for the little girl I was, but like you imply, no more self-pity. It's more detached, more generalized. It's grief for all the little folks who struggle through trying to find their lifeline.
It's progress to go from "poor me" to "poor humanity." And it's progress to go from "some people had it better" to we all need improvement."
And it's definitely progress to go from hurt and angry to grief. Grief and acceptance can hurt when they come to visit but that doesn't mean they are unhealthy.
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I suspect I'm better off not drinking, and I know I'm healthier, but so much socializing when your young is drenched in alcohol, and being the sober one around a bunch of drunks telling the punch line of jokes before the set up isn't as much fun as it sounds like. Maybe not drinking was an excuse to avoid socializing. Maybe my ****ing threads are almost always more like a public journal entry than I intend, or than I'm willing to admit I intend them to be 
Wait, now I've got that image stuck in my head 
