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Here is my trick for night time. I am “writing” a story about characters I created in my head. I give them action in my mind almost every night before sleep. The current story has been unspooling for quite a few years. I escape to the story mentally, which allows me not to dwell on me.
I agree that there is much wisdom in this thread. I appreciate all of the insightful posts, and the original OP.
My husband does this. I used to do it to, until my first husband died. That did something weird to my brain. As an avid reader, I didn't read for two years after he died because I had almost no retention.
I wonder how many people do this?
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My husband does this. I used to do it to, until my first husband died. That did something weird to my brain. As an avid reader, I didn't read for two years after he died because I had almost no retention.
The thing I see over and over in these threads is that people seem to think they can somehow let go of negative emotions by running over and over them in their head. That's the exact opposite of how it works. You get rid of negative emotions around memories by accepting them and putting a positive spin on them. You can actually choose to do that. When you do that a light bulb goes off in your head and you realize you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and all of your experiences brought you here, and everything is just as it should be. When negative thoughts enter my mind I change the tape in my head. That tape is on automatic rewind and will run forever if you let it. So I change the tape. I refuse to let fear or sorrow or anger or guilt or regret exist for any longer than it takes me to recognize it and cut it off. As Shakespeare wrote: Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
Psilocybin (small micro-dosing) helps with that endless looping also. I'm telling ya (because I've tried what you're saying and it's great), sometimes you need help to stop the obsessive looping and psilocybin really is the answer that we're not supposed to know about, but research has proven in recent years. Actually, the research started in the 50's-60's, but was shut down around 1970 and only in the last 10 years is really being explored again and pushed for. Oh, and it's naturally found in specific mushrooms. Was outlawed as a "recreational" drug, but there are enormous benefits if one uses it properly. Its the future for helping to cure depression. Of course a person still should work with a therapist and do the work while taking, just as with the anti-depressants. But the research can't be denied.
I am very clear first of all in my definition of "regret". To me, a regret is the knowledge that you knew the right thing to do, and through some combination of cowardice or sloth, did the wrong thing anyway.
My younger self did a lot of Stoopid things, but I forgive him, because he just didn't know better. He always was true to the light he had at any given point in time. I respect and appreciate him for that. I do my best to carry on doing that to this day.
What I DID have in spades was lots and lots of disappointments (which is simply life not living up to your expectations). Looking back on all that now, much of it was just bad luck, and some of it was me failing to clearly understand why I was repeatedly attracted to certain dysfunctional persons and situations, and some of it (well, okay, a LOT of it) was just unrealistic expectations. Some of those were religiously mediated, some came from romanticism or other idealistic thinking.
Near as I recall, at least 90% of "coming to peace" with those disappointments was in simply understanding that I didn't really lose out on anything, because I wasn't being realistic to begin with. You can't mourn the loss of something that was never really yours to begin with, apart from in between your ears. And/or, I was just trying to heal the wounded bird that didn't want to be healed, and had to figure out that this wasn't my job. Or I was just a victim of circumstance. We don't like to admit that, but it happens, and if we really pay attention, we're also often the beneficiary of circumstance.
Heck, I was born white, anglo-saxon, protestant, male, and heterosexual, with the particular mental landscape that allowed me to make a great living in a high-paying, high-status profession at just the time there was a lot of low-hanging fruit; born into the wealthiest and most technologically advanced nation on earth; to upwardly-mobile middle-class parents who provided me with a loving, stable, affirming and ultimately intact home to grow up in. What more cards, precisely, did I really want or expect to draw from the deck that was dealt to me?
Well I expected, I guess, not to bury several people I loved very much, most recently my son, and I had hoped to have a more enjoyable love life, and I wished I hadn't taken that giant detour into fundamentalist religion which put a real broomstick up my touche during a formative time of my life, etc etc. But I eventually realized that the things in this paragraph could only "ruin" the things in the previous paragraph if I decided to let them. So I just accepted that I'm a person, and people make mistakes, and have bad things happen to them even if they're a "good" person, and those things are all a sunk cost, so I'm going to just enjoy that I now have a reasonable marriage, a reasonable retirement, am debt free, and at least reasonably healthy, instead of whining over all the spilt (okay, splattered) milk in my life. Sucks to be me, in ways, but we can all say that if we're honest.
It comes down to mature perspective I guess, if you want to reduce it to a single phrase.
I also do a lot less second-guessing of myself. I have let go of the stupid and useless "why me", "why them", "what did I do to deserve this injustice" sorts of questions. Life is just a series of events. Some you are going to like, some you are not. The end.
I don't think it's necessary to describe the issue in detail or at all if you'd rather not. I'm more interested in how you define or experience "peace". Do you feel you've moved past it altogether? Do reminders challenge you but you cope better than in the past, so that's your peace? Is it still a frequent presence in your life but you've learned to move on with it, as opposed to past it? Did peace come at least in part from using the bad experience in some way to better your life or the lives of others? Or your own definition/description/interpretation.
So how's it work for you?
I didn't “ make peace”. Some things you don't make peace, you just put it aside and move towards things you can control or influence positively.
I tend not to remember the past or go back there if I can help it. People I know enjoy reminiscing. I just never did, it never brought me pleasure.
I prefer to think of the present and future and hopefully be a stronger version today and I hope the future. The day I feel it isn't possible, I may feel defeated. Then life would be trying. I try to count my blessings and keep moving towards greater peace, away from chaos.
The way I see it, I survived very difficult things and in a sense I refuse to be scared anymore. Ofc there are things that scare me that I haven't experienced, that people deal with everyday. I hope I don't because I’m not sure how much more I have for that. Patience or deeper reserves of strength.
I try to live my life avoiding more trouble. I am careful with most things. I do not spend a minute on regrets over the past, other than to ponder if I can learn from a mistake. But I’m not going to beat myself up.
It’s over and done. Leave it there and don't be afraid to admit defeat. I try to be without ego and gravitate towards others who are the same.
The way I see it, I survived very difficult things and in a sense I refuse to be scared anymore.
As the saying goes: "Beware the man who has nothing to lose".
I'm not afraid of much anymore. I certainly don't want to yet again go through some of the things I've gone through in the past, but if I am ever obliged to, these things are no longer unthinkable and I know how to handle them. So there's that.
About 11 years ago there were a series of traumatizing events in my life. What was going on was traumatic enough that a couple of mental health professionals diagnosed me as having PTSD. My primary mental health care provider asked my hundreds of questions about my childhood and youth trying to determine if there had been an earlier trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.) that contributed to the PTSD. The answer and truth was no. It was what it is was. My personality and the events were the perfect storm in some way for my brain.
As to how my "peace" feels, it's mostly the way I felt before the traumas. It took several years and lots of work on my part, but I generally feel the same as before for the most part. The differences are probably not noticed by most people around me. I'm definitely more aware and more appreciative of good moments and joy. I'm more conscious and mindful. There are a still a few things that trigger me instantly: a very specific song and band that is related to part of the traumas, but I recognize it for what it is. When it happens I remind myself that it was the past. I had a very strong trigger a few days ago out of the blue because of a song on the radio. I used some techniques to work past it. It is more difficult these days to work past a trigger because I'm out of practice (again--I feel mostly the same most days).
Some of the changes in me are age related I suspect. I'll soon reach an age that starts with 6, and for the most part I don't give a dang what other think. I'm tired of living a life for others.
Bumping this thread to continue the discussion. I haven't read it through because there's too much to absorb all at once. Lots of good advice and ideas here.
Yeah good idea and l agree it is a big subject, there's probably a lot of people dealing with stuff that l'd think might like to get it out in some way.
l'm surprised it's not a longer thread tbh, l've only just found it then.
Myself, divorce and the way things ended, things marriage too, all of it but mainly the final parts are what's never left me. 11 yrs now.
Peace, ldk. l took 4yrs to myself later and didn't become re'involved at all. Admittedly as much as l tried to put it all just down to oh well - sadly people divorce all the time and stuff happens but me though, l've had some kicks in life but nothing came close to that, it was a twilight zone.
Thought l was fine mostly since but l've realized even now, it's still there and l could've remarried twice since and each were just incredible situations and women, never thought l'd come across again buttt. l probably ruined both bc of that shyt still in there. First the first one, and then later on someone new but now most likely that too.
Strange though bc in other ways there's been some amazing peace through long periods, l've even felt happy, even happier. But then it still comes back and as l say has def' messed with new relationships.
Last edited by randomx; 09-14-2023 at 05:03 PM..
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