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Bumping this thread to continue the discussion. I haven't read it through because there's too much to absorb all at once. Lots of good advice and ideas here.
Thank you for reviving this. I lost track of it but I think it's been working on ,me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMae521
I'm wondering if the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "Stages of Grief" play into how a person copes with and resolves past regrets. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)
My "fierce" approach to the tasks associated with my situation tell me that I may well be stuck on anger.. which is pretty early on in the process. just a step.
Sonic, perhaps your observation that one can feel sadness as well as peace indicates acceptance.
OP, maybe when you wrote that you want to be sad, but you don't want to be sad indicates that you're between bargaining and depression.. maybe if you "mourn" you'll then be able to move on to an acceptance of sorts.
Bobspez, you have a good point of course. Sometimes, some of us just think too darn much. Tough habit to break. ;-)
Some time in '22 I started looking at grief and mourning as a path out of the funk I was in. I'm sure this thread and your comment influenced that choice.
I think grief is the complex of emotions we typically feel after a significant loss, and mourning is what we do to work through them. And I envisioned the life I might have led. I mourned by seeking support and accepting it. I tried to accept the emotions I was feeling, imperfectly but better than I usually do. I journaled a counterfactual history in which I was spared some of the **** I endured, and another where I wasn't but responded better, and I buried them both at the scene of the one crime I can't re-write. Buried them because that less damaged person was a dream that time had essentially killed. That sounds morbid, but it freed me to think about forming an identity without that futile dream looming over it.
And that missed the mark a bit. It was a good step but just a step. At that point I realized, and accepted, that the life I might have led was right in front of me while I was looking back at my past. That's the truth I didn't want to face. That's the heavy sadness I tried to put down by denying it. You can't deny something without naming it, without being aware of it on some level. I think I always knew.
Now with this knowledge clear in mind I'm trying to figure out, at 66, who I am.
Yeah that's the thing.
A guy l know a bit older than you and whom l love and respect to bits for who he is and what he's been through said once, the past is gone and if you didn't like it then it's the future matters now.
Wish l could stamp that one onto the old memory banks.
Of cause l did know it already and it's what got me through, but it was nice to hear coming from him especially as he has walked the talk too. He restarted life in a huge way 12yrs ago and has also met someone new too and, he's happy now for the first time in his life.
Things have still messed with me when the future did along though unfortunately.
Yeah that's the thing.
A guy l know a bit older than you and whom l love and respect to bits for who he is and what he's been through said once, the past is gone and if you didn't like it then it's the future matters now.
Wish l could stamp that one onto the old memory banks.
Of cause l did know it already and it's what got me through, but it was nice to hear coming from him especially as he has walked the talk too. He restarted life in a huge way 12yrs ago and has also met someone new too and, he's happy now for the first time in his life.
Things have still messed with me when the future did along though unfortunately.
It's commonly shared wisdom to live in the present in part because so many of us struggle to do it. The past does hold some answers, but trying to move in there sacrifices the present and ****s up the future.
I mean when I talk about looking back or looking ahead I'm speaking figuratively. It's where my mind is. But for the longest time I've felt like there are gaps in my life. I know there aren't and it isn't a matter of not remembering, but a feeling that I wasn't there in some way. And as I work through this stuff I realize I wasn't there, not completely present anyway. And that made the experience of those past "present moments" kind of empty, and invites me to futilely try to fill those empty moments.
Oh for sure l know, it's not only common sense but something you know you've gotta do at times. Hearing it from him though and just in the way that he said it , it did help and carried much weight.
l've always just naturally never really been a look back person myself though anyway really, not even into photos really ldk , they're just of pasts gone and dusted. l do love recent or present photos. Buttt, of cause on the other side of it some things though do still leave wheels turning inside for many yrs to come.
lf they were good moments and periods, l could understand it but if not so much or worse, it's probably protecting you and maybe your better just leaving it at that.
I don't think it's necessary to describe the issue in detail or at all if you'd rather not. I'm more interested in how you define or experience "peace". Do you feel you've moved past it altogether? Do reminders challenge you but you cope better than in the past, so that's your peace? Is it still a frequent presence in your life but you've learned to move on with it, as opposed to past it? Did peace come at least in part from using the bad experience in some way to better your life or the lives of others? Or your own definition/description/interpretation.
In my case I had significant father issues. When I became a parent my father's parenting style was pretty much a blue print for how not to raise a child. That served me and my children well. About a decade ago I was able to say, and believe, that my father made me a good parent, in a lemon to lemonade kind of way.
In a different instance my adolescence was less than ideal socially. Details aren't terribly important, but the issues I faced carried on into adulthood to some extent, and definitely shaped my view of the world and my place in it. I've made a tentative peace with this 50 years later (kind of like the Korean War) but it shaped my life in ways I wish it hadn't. I made choices I wish I hadn't. So this is something I carry with me awkwardly and still invest too much time in quieting. My peace is accepting what happened and what it's cost and continues to cost. Begrudgingly in deference to having no other real choice.
So how's it work for you?
Acceptance that the parental abuse I experienced is part of my legacy and it won’t disappear because it shaped my life. It is part of the patchwork quilt of my life, some parts torn and frayed and then lovingly stitched together. Some patches can’t be repaired and I have to add a new patch to cover that hole with something beautiful and give me joy. It’s getting to be an old quilt full of memories good and bad but I shall repair and cherish it because I’ve only got one shot at this life and I won’t let one patch destroy the whole quilt.
I don't think it's necessary to describe the issue in detail or at all if you'd rather not. I'm more interested in how you define or experience "peace". Do you feel you've moved past it altogether? Do reminders challenge you but you cope better than in the past, so that's your peace? Is it still a frequent presence in your life but you've learned to move on with it, as opposed to past it? Did peace come at least in part from using the bad experience in some way to better your life or the lives of others? Or your own definition/description/interpretation.
In my case I had significant father issues. When I became a parent my father's parenting style was pretty much a blue print for how not to raise a child. That served me and my children well. About a decade ago I was able to say, and believe, that my father made me a good parent, in a lemon to lemonade kind of way.
In a different instance my adolescence was less than ideal socially. Details aren't terribly important, but the issues I faced carried on into adulthood to some extent, and definitely shaped my view of the world and my place in it. I've made a tentative peace with this 50 years later (kind of like the Korean War) but it shaped my life in ways I wish it hadn't. I made choices I wish I hadn't. So this is something I carry with me awkwardly and still invest too much time in quieting. My peace is accepting what happened and what it's cost and continues to cost. Begrudgingly in deference to having no other real choice.
So how's it work for you?
I had chronically alcoholic parents and a hideously traumatic childhood. Both had died by the time I was 18 and I was frankly relieved. I gradually came to realize they had done the best they could with the hands they had been dealt and that what seemed like hell at the time had been a great blessing. Because they were preoccupied with their own demons, I learned at an early age to think for myself, fend for myself, and deal with any and all s**t that came my way. Far from the "victim" mentality so prevalent in Adult Children of Alcoholics - which I unequivocally reject and have no patience with - I have more of a Nietzschean attitude: that which did not kill me made me stronger. Decades on, I have nothing but warm feelings toward my parents and pray for them, including prayers of thanks, almost every night. I would say I had completely made my peace by the age of 30 or so, when it became apparent my life path was not going to duplicate theirs in any respect.
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