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i have always hated how society says to guys, men, phrases such as "don't be a *****, or man up, grow a pair, grow some balls, be a man", it literally makes me feel like punching a guy in the face for telling me that, literally makes me feel like wanting to beat him up.
I don't care for any of that myself but if someone were to tell me that I would let it roll right off, nothing to get angry over to be frank. Laugh it off, make those who say it look dumb.
Sounds like you feel you aren't 'masculine enough' and you are uncomfortable with yourself. BTW, I am a femboy and I reject all that gender-role garbage and it hasn't affected my ability to be in healthy loving relationships.
You need to embrace and be happy with who you are and not be angry at other people over it. They do not care... and you shouldn't care what they think.
When I 'let go' of all that BS that I harbored long ago, I became so happy and confident - and THAT is what makes me attractive (in addition to my looks, interests, and personality) to the RIGHT people.
A therapist can help you. It helped me.
Last edited by Euskalherria; 01-09-2022 at 10:51 AM..
i have always hated how society says to guys, men, phrases such as "don't be a *****, or man up, grow a pair, grow some balls, be a man", it literally makes me feel like punching a guy in the face for telling me that, literally makes me feel like wanting to beat him up.
I agree..
But you should live you life as you want not according to what others/society says...
You can't control others and society but you can certainly control how you react to them.... getting angry accomplishes nothing and serves you less.
Sounds like you feel you aren't 'masculine enough' and you are uncomfortable with yourself. BTW, I am a femboy and I reject all that gender-role garbage and it hasn't affected my ability to be in healthy loving relationships.
Similar experience...
While I am very much masculine both sexually and in mannerisms I don't share an interest with typical "male" things like sports. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy gardening. I enjoy going to the park. I enjoy spending time with my friend's little ones at the park. I enjoy shopping. Heck.... one jokes that she invites me over because I usually end up doing the dishes for her without being asked. I've been told, even by women that I dated/relationships, that I have a feminine energy about me. As such, I have mostly female friendships... deep.. long term friendships. I am not interested in building a large circle of friends... just a small circle that understand/accept who I am. I've been happier since reject the whole "man should be.." or how "male-female relationships should be..." notions and comments regarding being perpetually stuck in the so called "friend-zone".
As far as I can see it.... its their problem. Not mine.
Ya i'm considering breaking up because i don't want anyone to suffer any abuse, but overall, i just don't see the point in having a relationship anymore, don't see the point in having a sex life since i didn't grow up a normal person. I feel all i have to do is look forward to boring dull middle-aged sex, past my prime sex.
This doesn't make any sense. Why throw away a good, mutually-enjoyable, mutually-compaitible relationship---the Holy Grail for most of humanity---because you feel you got a late start in life?
Guess what OP: a fair number of non-autistic, non-physically or mentally-challenged young people don't get their start in relationships until after college, or their mid-ish 20's or even 30. In fact, I recall posting exactly this, recently. Did you have a similar thread up in the last week or two?
You're not "behind". Your own mind is setting you up for resentment, by harping on this somewhat inaccurate narrative. You're comparing yourself to an ideal image, and are beating yourself up, because you don't measure up to an ideal. This is poison for your mind. Knock it off! Funny, I posted the same advice on that other thread, whosever it was.
As for the OP, I think it would be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings of anger. You seemingly have a great relationship right now.... but are angry about starting later in life. It is irrational to destroy a good thing you have going for you just because it came later in life.
thanks for rubbing it in, no i haven't really spoken to her about this, and i am considering breaking up with her, so that way she doesn't suffer any abuse, i don't want any harm to come to her. I don't get it, why do people bother continuing to date or have sexual relationships into their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond? why is it never too late? i remember one person said, because theres no evidence to the contrary, i get very mad when she said that.
In my life i have hated being born male due to how men are always expected to make the first move and take the lead, be the initiators, but that will never change, and i feel that status-quo is why far more men than women end up being late bloomers, yet people and society think we men have the better end of the stick.
Why would she suffer abuse? You haven't explained that. Abuse from whom? You? Strangers? Others? What are you talking about?
Women make the first move, too. Believe me, when women see something they like, they don't waste time. They make their interest known.
Stop beating yourself up for being a late bloomer. There's nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of those on both sides of the gender divide. Look at it this way; a lot of those early-bloomer guys were/are cads. They took advantage of women, used women, and didn't care. You can take pride in the fact, that you've always been straightforward and honest in your dating and relationships (I assume, going by what you've said about the current relationship). Don't scoff at that! That counts for something. It's why you have such a good relationship right now.
Look at the positive. Don't obsess over your negative perceptions.
While I am very much masculine both sexually and in mannerisms I don't share an interest with typical "male" things like sports. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy gardening. I enjoy going to the park. I enjoy spending time with my friend's little ones at the park. I enjoy shopping. Heck.... one jokes that she invites me over because I usually end up doing the dishes for her without being asked. I've been told, even by women that I dated/relationships, that I have a feminine energy about me. As such, I have mostly female friendships... deep.. long term friendships. I am not interested in building a large circle of friends... just a small circle that understand/accept who I am. I've been happier since reject the whole "man should be.." or how "male-female relationships should be..." notions and comments regarding being perpetually stuck in the so called "friend-zone".
As far as I can see it.... its their problem. Not mine.
Absolutely.
I freely tell people I am NOT a 'man's man', in fact, similar to the OP, I don't even think of myself as a 'man', the word 'male' is much better, but 'femboy' is what I really think of myself.
And let it be said that this is not a 'dig' at traditional masculinity - nothing 'wrong' with sports, hunting, fishing, being 'tough', and so forth. Those things do have value and have a legitimate seat at the table, but they are not who I am.
Now, when it comes to 'toxic masculinity', that is a whole different animal...
Why would she suffer abuse? You haven't explained that. Abuse from whom? You? Strangers? Others? What are you talking about?
Women make the first move, too. Believe me, when women see something they like, they don't waste time. They make their interest known.
Stop beating yourself up for being a late bloomer. There's nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of those on both sides of the gender divide. Look at it this way; a lot of those early-bloomer guys were/are cads. They took advantage of women, used women, and didn't care. You can take pride in the fact, that you've always been straightforward and honest in your dating and relationships (I assume, going by what you've said about the current relationship). Don't scoff at that! That counts for something. It's why you have such a good relationship right now.
Look at the positive. Don't obsess over your negative perceptions.
News flash:. Middle age or old, people love each other, enjoy sex and intimacy. Older people ride bikes, play with dogs, ski, cook, go to events and enjoy life. Life doesn't suddenly start being good at a certain age and suddenly turn miserable at a certain age - say 30.
You sound seriously depressed. You can blame anything you want on your 20s not being what you think they should be, but that's not why you are miserable. People in their 20s do not all have the same experiences. They don't all go to college. They don't all join the Navy. They don't all go on spring break to Florida. They don't all like the same music, the same food, want the same future. They don't all have multiple relationships. Everyone and their life experiences are different. Whether or not you break up with your gf is insignificant compared to seeking out some mental health help. Unless you do a masterful job of hiding your emotions from her I am surprised she hasn't broken up with you.
OP, you definitely need to seek counselling. You are holding on to much too much resentment regarding your younger years and it's holding you back.
Also, I wonder if you are actually not into the woman you are with and it's making you feel guilty or resentful. Is it that she isn't what you want but she is the best you feel you can get so you are angry at yourself for not wanting her? Guilty about pretending you are into her?
Those of us who lack general attractiveness often struggle with coming to terms with settling. I am 38 and it makes me incredibly sad to think that I have never been in a relationship with a guy I actually really liked. In my teens and 20s none of the guys I really liked ever showed interest in me and guys that pursued me, I just wasn't interested in though I'd really try to be. I'd go out with these guys, wanting to give them a chance, but if they were decent guys, I'd feel incredibly guilty about pretending to be into them and eventually I'd have to end things because I'd feel bad about the fact I didn't like them but should. At 24, I finally found myself dating someone I was actually into, and it was one of the best feelings I ever had, feeling like someone I liked actually liked me back, but he suddenly dumped me and it left me feeling so awful. It led me into a relationship with a guy I was not into and the reason we stayed together was basically because he was a jerk. I didn't feel guilty about pretending to like him. I figured I could eventually change him into a better person. Ha! Wasted 9 years with the guy. He was abusive too, I got pregnant right away and ended up staying with him 9 years because I was scared of leaving him. Had 3 kids with him. Our relationship ended when I was 34 when he left me for another woman (which was a good thing) but it left me a tad sad that I hadn't ever experienced a relationship where I was in love with the other person and he loved me back. I tried online dating for a few years but the problems I had in my 20s re-emerged. I'd meet a guy and I was into him but he wasn't interested in another date. And then I'd meet a guy, be not into him, but he'd ask to see me again. And so I would try to keep seeing him but feel that resentment again. The resentment that if I want a relationship I'll have to settle for someone I'm just not into. And I just can't do that. And in knowing I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I'm not that into, it might mean I'm going to be alone my whole life. It's a tough pill to swallow.
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