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Humility is very much dependent on one's expectations and starting point.
I grew up to a single mom and we (1 sister) didn't have much materially but love and and a household culture of intellectual curiosity. She and my dad split up when I was two and she was really loving but lived a life full of regrets (during my formative years) and wisdom (as she aged and died)
My father grew up in a poor post war environment and had to go off so sea when he was 15 since the family farm was too small and poor to support all of the kids and the local community had no employment. His life was one of stifled opportunity (he was really intelligent by all accounts), alcoholism and abuse.
We were very blessed to have my grandparents in the same town who made our lives not only manageable but enriched by them sharing their experiences. My grandmother grew up in small-town Montana in a large family with an alcoholic, often absent father. My grandfather came from a highly stable and prosperous Wisconsin farm family. Both were heavily impacted by the depression and their experiences from that era really set some scars on their psyches which, thankfully for me, they were willing to share.
I would also note that religiously our family attended church regularly but were very much a "Sermon on the Mount"/ New Testament bunch where humility/meekness is a prized quality.
My father passed away when I was 11. At that point I had a pretty good idea that life was neither fair nor easy and that there is no straight and narrow path. While I envied my prosperous, two parent friends who seemingly didn't have a care in the world. I learned the lesson of mortality really early and vowed to grab the bull by the horns and make the most of life. I also vowed that two of my primary goals in life would be to be a great father and husband.
Fast forwarding 30 years to my 50s and I can conclude I've lead an incredibly rich life full of experiences, most good but some bad. You have to take the bad with the good.
I most certainly feel that life humbling me is not some sort of recent epiphany. It's a series of experiences that continue to both humble and delightfully surprise me. Its the latter that never ceases to amaze.
Humility is very much dependent on one's expectations and starting point.
I grew up to a single mom and we (1 sister) didn't have much materially but love and and a household culture of intellectual curiosity. She and my dad split up when I was two and she was really loving but lived a life full of regrets (during my formative years) and wisdom (as she aged and died)
My father grew up in a poor post war environment and had to go off so sea when he was 15 since the family farm was too small and poor to support all of the kids and the local community had no employment. His life was one of stifled opportunity (he was really intelligent by all accounts), alcoholism and abuse.
We were very blessed to have my grandparents in the same town who made our lives not only manageable but enriched by them sharing their experiences. My grandmother grew up in small-town Montana in a large family with an alcoholic, often absent father. My grandfather came from a highly stable and prosperous Wisconsin farm family. Both were heavily impacted by the depression and their experiences from that era really set some scars on their psyches which, thankfully for me, they were willing to share.
I would also note that religiously our family attended church regularly but were very much a "Sermon on the Mount"/ New Testament bunch where humility/meekness is a prized quality.
My father passed away when I was 11. At that point I had a pretty good idea that life was neither fair nor easy and that there is no straight and narrow path. While I envied my prosperous, two parent friends who seemingly didn't have a care in the world. I learned the lesson of mortality really early and vowed to grab the bull by the horns and make the most of life. I also vowed that two of my primary goals in life would be to be a great father and husband.
Fast forwarding 30 years to my 50s and I can conclude I've lead an incredibly rich life full of experiences, most good but some bad. You have to take the bad with the good.
I most certainly feel that life humbling me is not some sort of recent epiphany. It's a series of experiences that continue to both humble and delightfully surprise me. Its the latter that never ceases to amaze.
Man, good for you. I envy you. I feel like I never had a chance. My parents were both emotionally immature, though mom way worse than Dad. Aggressive, critical, narcissistic mother + passive father = son with zero confidence. Add bullying (before anyone did anything about it) to the mix from around age 8-18 and you get a suicidal teen who isolated and had nobody to turn to. I realize now that it stunted my emotional growth and that played out in relationships with women and professionally, resulting in breakups and job losses. It's too late to recover all that and have a family of my own and that's hard to accept. Its why I've been in therapy 25+ years with so so results. I'm turning a corner, but I will never have a family of my own and thats very sad because I would have worked my butt off to break the cycle of bad parenting. Now I look for community constantly. I realized I've always felt invisible...in work, at home, socially, etc. Not sure how to change that but I sure want to. I'd like to enjoy the last third (or however much I have left) of my life. What I really need is a time machine to go back 20 years with this knowledge. I have severely underachieved relative to my peers and my own expectations.
Man, good for you. I envy you. I feel like I never had a chance. My parents were both emotionally immature, though mom way worse than Dad. Aggressive, critical, narcissistic mother + passive father = son with zero confidence. Add bullying (before anyone did anything about it) to the mix from around age 8-18 and you get a suicidal teen who isolated and had nobody to turn to. I realize now that it stunted my emotional growth and that played out in relationships with women and professionally, resulting in breakups and job losses. It's too late to recover all that and have a family of my own and that's hard to accept. Its why I've been in therapy 25+ years with so so results. I'm turning a corner, but I will never have a family of my own and thats very sad because I would have worked my butt off to break the cycle of bad parenting. Now I look for community constantly. I realized I've always felt invisible...in work, at home, socially, etc. Not sure how to change that but I sure want to. I'd like to enjoy the last third (or however much I have left) of my life. What I really need is a time machine to go back 20 years with this knowledge. I have severely underachieved relative to my peers and my own expectations.
I think this is how life is for a lot of people ... you just don't "get it" until you do. Part of your job now is to forgive your younger self so you can quit beating yourself up in the present and then get the most out of that "last third" as you put it. Focus on what you've overcome / transcended rather than on what hand you were dealt. Hang in there, bro ... it does mostly get better.
Man, good for you. I envy you. I feel like I never had a chance. My parents were both emotionally immature, though mom way worse than Dad. Aggressive, critical, narcissistic mother + passive father = son with zero confidence. Add bullying (before anyone did anything about it) to the mix from around age 8-18 and you get a suicidal teen who isolated and had nobody to turn to. I realize now that it stunted my emotional growth and that played out in relationships with women and professionally, resulting in breakups and job losses. It's too late to recover all that and have a family of my own and that's hard to accept. Its why I've been in therapy 25+ years with so so results. I'm turning a corner, but I will never have a family of my own and thats very sad because I would have worked my butt off to break the cycle of bad parenting. Now I look for community constantly. I realized I've always felt invisible...in work, at home, socially, etc. Not sure how to change that but I sure want to. I'd like to enjoy the last third (or however much I have left) of my life. What I really need is a time machine to go back 20 years with this knowledge. I have severely underachieved relative to my peers and my own expectations.
Sounds like you had an uphill battle. You certainly seem to have a really good grasp of who you are and who you aren't. A lot of people don't even get to that point. You can't do anything about the past but keep trying to make today and tomorrow work and hopefully your insight and effort will be rewarded.
Thinking about your comment about constantly looking for community, have you ever looked into co-housing? some of those communities sound really appealing
I used to travel to small towns all over Texas, Many times I would arrive just before lunch and the people / stores I would want to see would be closed for an hour or more. Being a history buff, I would walk around the small town cemeteries and read the tombstones. You'd see the families that lost babies and kids at early ages, people who died in wars, young people killed in car wrecks and old people who lived to be 90.
Everyone had a story. Many lives you would imagine would be sad and many had short lives compared to today.
I always walked away from those cemeteries feeling lucky, vulnerable and very humble.
Humble #2 is being 6'4 and strong as an ox at the age of 22. I now cannot do physically what was done not so many years ago.
Humble #3 is being 22 and being able to make love to your partner / wife all night and multiple times a day as desired. My how that has changed. Humble City.
Sounds like you had an uphill battle. You certainly seem to have a really good grasp of who you are and who you aren't. A lot of people don't even get to that point. You can't do anything about the past but keep trying to make today and tomorrow work and hopefully your insight and effort will be rewarded.
Thinking about your comment about constantly looking for community, have you ever looked into co-housing? some of those communities sound really appealing
I think that would make more sense if I was single, which I was forever. Now I don't think co-housing (though I only know of one person who has done that) is a solution or something my family would even go for.
I'm turning a corner, but I will never have a family of my own and thats very sad because I would have worked my butt off to break the cycle of bad parenting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Don_Draper
I think that would make more sense if I was single, which I was forever. Now I don't think co-housing (though I only know of one person who has done that) is a solution or something my family would even go for.
I don't agree that "life humbles us as we age." Maybe it pisses us off, discourages us, enriches us, surprises us, teaches us . . . could be a lot of things - different with every person.
Yes, getting old and ugly can be humbling - or embarrassing or disappointing . . .
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