I cheated and now i feel horrible. I can't sleep and eat (sociopaths, anxiety)
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I went through a lot at first and had a tumultuous start. He started a business when we were very young and eventually devoted himself entirely to the business. He never stayed with me, I never went out and all he did was be careful with that business. I had a lot of discussions on this side and he explained to me that he can't leave his business and that every moment is precious for he to grow.
He is not a bad person at all, he is a very good man. He respected me all the time but I felt very alone with him. He made it clear to me that he would never be able to be as devoted as I wanted him to be. It seemed like I wanted too much but I just wanted to spend time together as a couple ... going on vacation and going out from time to time. He could never offer me that and I always waited for him to come home from work every night and we didn't do anything together.
One day I met someone online (we had known each other for many years through mutual friends) and I totally fell in love. This boy was funny and he seemed to be able to give me what I wanted. I started talking to him and I fell in love and then I told the current one that I want to move. In the 3 weeks I waited to move, I always talked to the other boy. Long story short, I moved in and argued a lot with boy B. I found out he was actually a psychopath and he tried to hurt me. He wrote to my ex and showed him everything I did, conversations and absolutely everything. Now I feel horrible, my ex doesn't want to hear from me anymore and he really hates me. I don't know what else to do, I can't sleep, I can't eat because I'm guilty. All the memories with my ex press me and I keep thinking that I was a horrible person. What can I do?
You learned some important lessons. Internet dating can be dangerous and do more harm to your mental health than meeting people the old fashioned way. And maybe that the grass is always greener. There are many people in relationships who feel lonely, unfulfilled, and yearning for more attention, etc. When those folks finally decide they need more, enough to leave their relationship, they have to face the obvious, that they may end up alone. And that's what you're facing. You may have to start over. You didn't state your age and 4 years is not a long time to be with someone. Some people stay together for decades unhappy as you are/were, and never make a move, and then there are some that do, sometimes it works out and they wish they would have done it sooner, and sometimes it doesn't and they regret it. We all have to accept the results of our choices, good or bad. You described yourself as very unhappy with your "ex", so maybe it's better that you just move on and reboot. Sounds like that may be your only option and you may want to examine what you need in a relationship and decide if it's reasonable, or it's because of a hole in your heart that no one can fill. You certainly didn't do well with internet dating, and you're not alone, it can be a depressing and anxiety provoking experience. If you're not sure, maybe some counseling would be in order. Whatever you decide to do, try not to repeat the same decision making process in a relationship that you have in the past, and take it slow. Good luck.
So let me get this straight. You were with your partner for 4 years, but "one day" you fell in love with another guy online, then 3 weeks later moved out of your boyfriend's house and into this other guy's house, only to find out he was a psychopath?
What happened next? Are you homeless now? Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder or bipolar disease?
It always amazes me how very quickly some people can mess up their lives. And then expect the person they screwed over to forgive and go back to normal. Delusional.
I went through a lot at first and had a tumultuous start. He started a business when we were very young and eventually devoted himself entirely to the business. He never stayed with me, I never went out and all he did was be careful with that business. I had a lot of discussions on this side and he explained to me that he can't leave his business and that every moment is precious for he to grow.
He is not a bad person at all, he is a very good man. He respected me all the time but I felt very alone with him. He made it clear to me that he would never be able to be as devoted as I wanted him to be. It seemed like I wanted too much but I just wanted to spend time together as a couple ... going on vacation and going out from time to time. He could never offer me that and I always waited for him to come home from work every night and we didn't do anything together.
One day I met someone online (we had known each other for many years through mutual friends) and I totally fell in love. This boy was funny and he seemed to be able to give me what I wanted. I started talking to him and I fell in love and then I told the current one that I want to move. In the 3 weeks I waited to move, I always talked to the other boy. Long story short, I moved in and argued a lot with boy B. I found out he was actually a psychopath and he tried to hurt me. He wrote to my ex and showed him everything I did, conversations and absolutely everything. Now I feel horrible, my ex doesn't want to hear from me anymore and he really hates me. I don't know what else to do, I can't sleep, I can't eat because I'm guilty. All the memories with my ex press me and I keep thinking that I was a horrible person. What can I do?
Accept and take accountability for your actions (which you seem to have done). Accept that you can't have your boyfriend back and try to move forward. You don't mention your age, but "boy" A and "boy" B is a dead giveaway I suppose. So you lived with Boy A and moved directly from A's house to B's house? You may need some psychotherapy for some of your issues, but in time you will be OK. Good luck.
"Boy" 1 at least had the virtue of being up front and honest that he would never give you what you want and deserve in a relationship. You were right to believe him.
"Boy" 2 had even less regard for you.
So the first question is why are sociopaths like these two zeroing in on you? It's probably not a coincidence. There's a metaphorical "kick me" sign on your back. Figure out what it is, via therapy if necessary, before you pursue any more relationships.
There's nothing to really feel awful about ... neither of these guys are worth your time to begin with. Let it all go. It sounds to me like maybe what's really bothering you is your need for the constant validation of a relationship with a man at all times and your fear of being alone or unworthy. Sit with those feelings. Think about where they come from. Try to make a plan to change the assumptions that drive you in this regard.
Take your time with it. Figure out what sort of person you want to be with, and be more like that yourself first ... it will tend to attract like minded persons to you, instead of users or abusers.
Move on, as that is all you can do. I am not sure why you wasted 4 years with someone that was upfront about what he could offer.
Also, you need more in your life than a man, any man. To expect a man to hold a job, and you to wait for him to come home hoping to go out, etc., well, if you were more tired and had outside interests, I think that would help a relationship a lot. Work or volunteer, and don't depend on the man to define your hole existence.
You have nothing to feel guilty about as you did exactly what you wanted, and now are suffering the consequences. I really doubt Boy #1 would have taken you back anyway without intervention from Boy #2, as both you and he knew that the relationship was not working.
My SIL has a history of relationships with unattainable men, maybe because her father was unattainable emotionally. She was with one guy for many years who mostly just came to her apartment when he wanted sex. The sex, by her accounts, was amazing, but that's still someone using her at his convenience for sex.
Everyone could see this, including, I think, her ... but it was less scary to stay in that relationship wanting "something more" (like, oh, I don't know, maybe commitment) because it was at least semi-consistent and she wasn't officially "alone".
After that ended, to her credit, she bought herself a house, made herself a studio space, rekindled her considerable artistic talents, and has a satisfying solo life that might be the basis for meeting someone who actually cares about her. In fairness to the guy involved, my SIL was, and still is, very slow to open up or commit herself ... super slow to make decisions and act on them, etc. So there's a lot in play here. She's in her 50s now, never married or had kids ... she's wasted a lot of time on relationships like I'm describing.
My point being, this scenario of guys attaching to a woman for occasional fun / intimacy on their schedule with no real commitment or evolution of the relationship is not unheard of by any means.
Well...put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Instead of looking for another new boy, think about what else you want in life. Don't expect others to provide it for you. When you finally get everything sorted out and become a woman, then start dating again. And then date men instead of boys.
"Boy" A and "boy" B? You don't sound like they are adults - sound kind of disrespectful, unless they really are boys. Are they younger than you a lot? Are you a woman or a girl?
Well, whatever happened, happened. You can't do anything about that. Learn a lesson. Move on. Next time date a man, not a boy. And you need to grow up too. Don't be too desperate and needy. Men don't want needy women; and vice versa. Learn to be independent. When you cannot find a good one to be with (you have to be good yourself too) who shares your values, needs and wants, it's better to be alone / on your own. Take care of yourself and love yourself.
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 01-17-2022 at 04:34 PM..
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