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It seems a lot of people assume a sexual assault or similar to trigger overweight/obese eating. I do think it's a tiresome thought that people overeat to become unattractive. People overeat because of stress of some sort and eating eases the stress temporarily or numbs the discomfort.
When I worked in detox, I saw many people with successful bariatric surgery come in with an alcohol or drug problem- still numbing out, however possible. One co-worker who weighed 325 pounds and knew she was an emotional eater had successful bariatric surgery and said "I miss eating" and had a breakdown with suicide attempt.
If someone is emotionally overeating, therapy could be helpful for sure. Just that it's not an attempt to become obese/unattractive as is often assumed.
Agreed with everything here. To your last part, I double agree, I doubt my daughter plotted to gorge at school so that she could come home 50+ pounds overweight
Does your wife think that your daughter is somehow UNAWARE that she's gotten really fat? In this world where young women are constantly obsessed with their weight? Does your wife think that your daughter is UNABLE to read up on how to manage weight and lose it?
Believe me, she knows. The best thing to do is to let her work it out, and offer what support you can, but the moves need to come from her. Nagging her all the time isn't going to do anything.
She believes our daughter is blind to the effects of this weight and doesn't think she understands the seriousness of obesity
I'm not going to bring it up unless my daughter asks for help directly from me
Good. Just focus on the other things, like tuition and so on.
Your wife needs to read up on how controlling parents, comments from parents, etc., contribute to eating disorders. Plenty of information on the internet about that. She also needs to back away from ownership of her daughter's body. There is also usually some kind of unhealthy lack of boundaries with women who do that to their daughters, as though their daughters are a reflection of the mother. Honestly? Your wife should probably talk to a mental health professional about how to rein in her opinions. They are harmful and dangerous.
My wife is coming from a place where she feels our daughter hid this from us and is sounding the alarm, wanting to jump into action. She thinks that because I'm trying to remain level headed that it means I'm somehow in favor of our daughter becoming unhealthy.
How do I get my wife to calm down?
You ARE jumping into action! And on a deeper level, which in theory anyway, should eventually bring more effective results (rather than risking causing a lifelong habit of yo-yo dieting, for example.). Have you pointed that out to your wife?
I like your approach. Much has been written the last 20 years or so, about the tendency for college freshmen to gain weight in that first year of adjustment to college. There can be a variety of causes. It can be hard to make friends in a new environment; college can seem very impersonal in that first year. If that's part of the problem, she could be encouraged to try joining different organizations and activity groups. Also, her tuition pays for free psych counseling, if she needs to vent to someone from time to time. Having someone to rely on to listen sympathetically while someone vents can be a helpful release.
Is she overwhelmed by the academic requirements? Good time management and some self-discipline to stick to a study schedule could help.
And so on. I think you're on the right track. Perhaps after discussing all these things with her (if she's not at home, maybe you could travel to spend a week with her in her college town?), you could suggest she join the gym. Nothing about dieting, just suggest the gym. Her tuition should cover that as a free service. She might make a friend there.
I'll be interested to see how this saga turns out. Good for you, dad!
She believes our daughter is blind to the effects of this weight and doesn't think she understands the seriousness of obesity
She's truly not blind. You can't be a woman in the year 2022 and not know about "the obesity epidemic" or the shape of your own body every time you look in the mirror.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seija
Good. Just focus on the other things, like tuition and so on.
Your wife needs to read up on how controlling parents, comments from parents, etc., contribute to eating disorders. Plenty of information on the internet about that. She also needs to back away from ownership of her daughter's body. There is also usually some kind of unhealthy lack of boundaries with women who do that to their daughters, as though their daughters are a reflection of the mother. Honestly? Your wife should probably talk to a mental health professional about how to rein in her opinions. They are harmful and dangerous.
Right, encourage your wife to focus on what's best for your daughter and what would make her feel supported, which will be different that what your wife might naturally want to do.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 02-16-2022 at 01:30 PM..
I really don't know ... I have a close friend who couldn't be less judgemental and supportive. She and her daughter are more like sisters than mother/daughter. Ever since Covid the daughter has been putting on weight. 50 the first year, 50 more the second. I'm quite alarmed but I am well out of it. I say nothing at all. Not my place.
I read about all the "leave daughter alone" etc. That is as I would expect. Does it work? Just asking. Who doesn't know that you are supposed to be supportive and non-judgemental when women gain weight but ... there are an awfully large number of women with weight gain as an issue.
At the very least the parents should turn their daughter's case over to professionals. The worst thing is to "be supportive", too late for that. Clearly the daughter did not see them as supportive before she left for school. Weight, overweight is way more than an issue of appearance. There are serious long term implications to being even slightly overweight.
No two people react the same. One person can carry 100lb into their senior years without issue, and another with just 50lb more than normal has a stroke in their 50's. Best to assume the worst and get a handle on any weight gain before it becomes chronic. I'm kind of with the mom on this one. The only problem is the focus on appearance. Appearance is the least of it.
I really don't know ... I have a close friend who couldn't be less judgemental and supportive. She and her daughter are more like sisters than mother/daughter. Ever since Covid the daughter has been putting on weight. 50 the first year, 50 more the second. I'm quite alarmed but I am well out of it. I say nothing at all. Not my place.
I read about all the "leave daughter alone" etc. That is as I would expect. Does it work? Just asking. Who doesn't know that you are supposed to be supportive and non-judgemental when women gain weight but ... there are an awfully large number of women with weight gain as an issue.
At the very least the parents should turn their daughter's case over to professionals. The worst thing is to "be supportive", too late for that. Clearly the daughter did not see them as supportive before she left for school. Weight, overweight is way more than an issue of appearance. There are serious long term implications to being even slightly overweight.
No two people react the same. One person can carry 100lb into their senior years without issue, and another with just 50lb more than normal has a stroke in their 50's. Best to assume the worst and get a handle on any weight gain before it becomes chronic. I'm kind of with the mom on this one. The only problem is the focus on appearance. Appearance is the least of it.
your friend's daughter put on 100 pounds? Are the parents doing anything?
Yep. She has put on 100lb. I haven't seen her in this second year. But of course it is being discussed with some concern. Everyone is staying off her case because of the 'understandable' circumstances. Like I said, I don't know. There is obviously the Covid, but not everyone has put on 100lb because of it. Surely there is a way to say that in a non-threatening way?
I didn't mean to distract from the o.p. situation, but there is some parallel, I think. How much to show support without crossing over to enabling is a tricky balance. I can't take any credit but my own daughters could actually use some more meat on their bones. Don't back off so far that daughter doesn't feel 'some' heat is what I'm saying, kind of.
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