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^^^
If the daughters "could use some meat on their bones," maybe they've absorbed the message that "thin=good." Maybe they have eating disorders already.
Your wife should calm down, although she is right, 55 lbs in a short time is worrisome. But anyway, what can she do being in NY and the daughter in Texas? Not much, except having sleepless nights, most probably.
Your wife is why there are so many young women struggling with eating disorders. She needs to lay off your daughter, pronto. Just focus on the other things, as you aim to do.
Alright, here we go again, blame the mothers for everything that goes wrong!
Beer is the most fattening and it gives one a beer belly!
Does your wife think that your daughter is somehow UNAWARE that she's gotten really fat? In this world where young women are constantly obsessed with their weight? Does your wife think that your daughter is UNABLE to read up on how to manage weight and lose it?
Believe me, she knows. The best thing to do is to let her work it out, and offer what support you can, but the moves need to come from her. Nagging her all the time isn't going to do anything.
Yes, this ^^^^ and I doubt that a therapist is really necessary at that age..
I really don't know ... I have a close friend who couldn't be less judgemental and supportive. She and her daughter are more like sisters than mother/daughter. Ever since Covid the daughter has been putting on weight. 50 the first year, 50 more the second. I'm quite alarmed but I am well out of it. I say nothing at all. Not my place.
I read about all the "leave daughter alone" etc. That is as I would expect. Does it work? Just asking. Who doesn't know that you are supposed to be supportive and non-judgemental when women gain weight but ... there are an awfully large number of women with weight gain as an issue.
At the very least the parents should turn their daughter's case over to professionals. The worst thing is to "be supportive", too late for that. Clearly the daughter did not see them as supportive before she left for school. Weight, overweight is way more than an issue of appearance. There are serious long term implications to being even slightly overweight.
No two people react the same. One person can carry 100lb into their senior years without issue, and another with just 50lb more than normal has a stroke in their 50's. Best to assume the worst and get a handle on any weight gain before it becomes chronic. I'm kind of with the mom on this one. The only problem is the focus on appearance. Appearance is the least of it.
I agree, ^^^^ esp. with the last 3 para. It is so easy to gain weight and soooo difficult to get rid of it.
I am also with the mom and I can understand that she goes bonkers, not able to do anything.
^^^
If the daughters "could use some meat on their bones," maybe they've absorbed the message that "thin=good." Maybe they have eating disorders already.
Well, they didn't hear that from me. I don't think they are unhealthily thin. They have plenty of time to fill out though. The present situation under discussion is quite different. My daughters all went away to school and didn't gain or lose an ounce. No Freshman 15 or such. It does speak to some kind of exhale effect what is going on here. It does require (careful) addressing. It is interesting that the alcohol issue came up. Freshman alcohol use is of course well known. But if the daughter brought it up ... I don't know ... she must want to talk about it?
I'm with the OP on this one. The weight gain is but a symptom, not a root cause. You can suppress the weight problem (and give a lot of bad messages about body image by fat-shaming her) but then it will just pop up somewhere else, like a game of whack-a-mole. She's anxious and using food to cope. Be thankful it's food and not heroin or something.
I would talk to her about how she's feeling and why. I'd probe for anxiety or feelings of inadequacy or not measuring up or general stress and overwhelm or whatever. I'd try to help her understand what she's feeling and why, and to help herself in this area -- or help her get therapy if necessary.
Yes, this ^^^^ and I doubt that a therapist is really necessary at that age..
Therapy isn't related to age but to what is needed at present. If a younger person is in obvious distress and unhealthily coping, it's a fine time for some sort of therapy/support.
^^^
If the daughters "could use some meat on their bones," maybe they've absorbed the message that "thin=good." Maybe they have eating disorders already.
You do realize that those comments are just as harmful as comments about people who are larger, right? I was an absolute beanpole at that age. I remember going to the university clinic for sinus infections and instead they accused me of being an anorexic. A friend’s wife had a similar issue when I visited them and she had an episode of gastritis and had to go to the ER because she was so dehydrated. They apparently gave her a full psych eval.
People should be accepted for whatever size they are without judgment that the could either gain or lose weight.
The real focus should be the underlying issue of why she’s having trouble adjusting and what can be done to help her adjust better. It is absolutely not unusual. I moved from FL to the Midwest to go to school had an awful time adjusting my first winter. I think my sister went through K-12 with a guy who also attempted to go to a school in the Midwest and ended up transferring to the local school for the second year because he just couldn’t take it. I ended up staying, but the adjustment just doesn’t work for some people.
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