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Is she happy there? Maybe she would do better in a college closer to home where she might already have friends? The only time in my life that I had a weight problem was when my parents moved and I had to go to a different high school and had no friends. It was a very wealthy area and we were not wealthy which made me feel even more out of place. The following year I had made friends and was happy and lost the 30 some odd pounds without even dieting.
She is happy there, I think in terms of friends & her classes. It just sounds like the overall whirlwind from high school senior to college freshman, with adulthood staring right at you is what has her worried.
She is happy there, I think in terms of friends & her classes. It just sounds like the overall whirlwind from high school senior to college freshman, with adulthood staring right at you is what has her worried.
then I would tell mom to back off, she will lose the weight when she finds the love of her life in Chemistry class.
Is she happy there? Maybe she would do better in a college closer to home where she might already have friends? The only time in my life that I had a weight problem was when my parents moved and I had to go to a different high school and had no friends. It was a very wealthy area and we were not wealthy which made me feel even more out of place. The following year I had made friends and was happy and lost the 30 some odd pounds without even dieting.
Really, I think this should be the first question, if the OP wants to address the emotional or psychological aspect of the situation: sources of stress, and that sort of thing. It's common enough for women to gain weight in the first year of college, that medical and psych professionals have given it a catchy name: "the freshman fifteen" --meaning pounds. A feeling of isolation can be one cause, as some students who have never been away from home for a long period of time adjust to overcome homesickness, while struggling to make friends in an environment where they don't know anyone, and are under pressure to perform well academically without guidance. Simply getting enough exercise, or limited menu options in the dorm food can be contributing factors for some students.
If the OP's daughter has also been using alcohol to cope with emotional issues, or simply out of a sense of newfound freedom to party that's turned into a habit, she might be either depressed or in over her head with the relative lack of structure at college.
If the OP could manage to have a heart-to-heart talk with his daughter (do they have that type of fairly open relationship based on trust?) without any judgement and without making it about the weight, he might be able to get to the bottom of how she feels about her first year or half-year at college. Demanding she get on a diet, as her mom would do, is only treating the symptom of what could be an underlying malaise. I think the OP understands that, but his wife doesn't. Focussing on the weight also wouldn't address the alcohol issue.
I would think, that her grades in her first semester might be a barometer of her well-being, coping skills, and adjustment process, as well. How are her grades, OP?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 02-17-2022 at 09:55 AM..
If the OP's daughter has also been using alcohol to cope with emotional issues, or simply out of a sense of newfound freedom to party that's turned into a habit, she might be either depressed or in over her head with the relative lack of structure at college.
Have you gotten a grade report from her, for her first semester?
A cousin of mine ended up being expelled from her college, because she went nuts with all the freedom she had, and got in too deep with marijuana use. Her parents had been over-protective, so when those constraints were gone and she was on her own, she got carried away. She didn't gain weight, but she got too involved in some kind of marginal drug scene, and ultimately flunked out.
Yes, lots of " Is that very healthy?" or, when she saw my daughter in clothes she hadn't taken to school, clothes we'd kept home, there was lots of " Feel a bit too snug? too tight? Those used to fit"
As a fat person, I'm here to tell you the WORST thing your wife can do is nag, or make this type of passive-aggressive comment. Bringing it up only hurts your daughter and her self-esteem. Trust me, she knows she's gotten fat. It can make your daughter resent her mom so much she will eat more just to spite her mom, to exercise control of her body as something her mom can't control.
The thing to do is have ONE and ONLY ONE conversation with her (possibly without your wife if she can't keep her nasty digs to herself, and yes that's what they feel like to your daughter) in which you say that you love her so much that you are concerned that something is really bothering her, and then gently ask her if she can tell you what it is that's worrying/bothering her. Give her as much time as she needs to answer this question, even if you sit in silence for several minutes. She may say it's nothing, but let her have more time to put it together. There may be layers of problems at issue here. Insecurity being on her own, trouble making friends, homesickness, fear of failing in school, guys, roommates, even just difficulty making her own choices if you and wife had controlled everything up to this point in her life. Let her know that the school has better food choices, and you hope she'll consider those, as well as getting out to walk the campus for exercise. Explain that exercise produces endorphins that make everyone feel much better. Offer to make an appointment with the family doctor, or the campus doctor, if she indicates any physical issues. Give her a big hug, and then SHUT UP. Tell the wife to SHUT IT because she's not helping. I know she's shocked by the sudden change, and this magnitude of change in such a short period is NOT normal, and all of you already know this. This is a psychological or physical issue, and no amount of negative comments will help either of those things.
This is part of leaving the nest and learning to fly. Nagging, and snide, belittling comments about her clothes not fitting, etc, are counter-productive, and destructive to her self-image and her perception of you as parents who love her unconditionally (you do, right?). She needs to know that you love her at any size, and you trust her to make good choices (even if she hasn't so far).
Last edited by TheShadow; 02-17-2022 at 10:20 AM..
My daughter gained about 15-20 lbs. during freshman year. I noticed it when I accompanied her into the dressing room and she was trying on clothes about two sizes larger. Although I was shocked since she had always maintained a trim weight in high school, I didn't say a thing. She volunteered that she was overeating but I suspect it was the beer drinking as well.
She lived on campus and was around food just about 24/7 -- the unlimited meal plan, late night pizzas, etc. It was a social thing and a complete lifestyle change from the more structured eating and dining in high school. She never drank alcohol in high school as she was on a very competitive sports team that required peak conditioning. Ultimately she got her weight under control without my involvement.
Having said that I would be concerned about 50 libs. As someone else mentioned, I would encourage her to get a physical to rule out any health issues, be it physiological or psychological, and if she has a good relationship with her physician I feel certain the weight gain will be brought up in a constructive way.
Last edited by Maddie104; 02-17-2022 at 10:19 AM..
Have you gotten a grade report from her, for her first semester?
A cousin of mine ended up being expelled from her college, because she went nuts with all the freedom she had, and got in too deep with marijuana use. Her parents had been over-protective, so when those constraints were gone and she was on her own, she got carried away. She didn't gain weight, but she got too involved in some kind of marginal drug scene, and ultimately flunked out.
Some As, some Bs.
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