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I have a feeling you were asking your Mom why things happened to you and she was trying to come up with an answer, which you then rejected. Simple solution is don't vent to your Mom and don't ask her why these things happened. You can change your tactic to say everything is going and you can just say you don't want to discuss it. Even if your Mom was totally sympathetic it wouldn't have changed what happened.
For example, if I had a date and the guy didn’t call again she would say. “Did you talk about yourself too much?” “Were you negative?” My friends mother would say something to their children like “He was probably intimated by you” “You are too good for him”.
If I didn’t get a job I interviewed for she would ask what I was wearing, maybe I was too heavy for them. Other parents would say, you were probably over qualified.
If someone treats me bad and I tell my mom what they said to me and my response she would say “you should have worded it differently”. “You shouldn’t have said that!” “Did you tell them too much?” Like saying I give them ammunition to be treated badly when in actuality a nice person wouldn’t use things against me. Other parents would say to their children that those people aren’t worth it. You can find better people etc....
I am a middle aged woman and my mom still always does this. Like my sister is very selfish and I was hurt by something. I told her I wanted to understand why she was acting like this and my mom said that was “too confrontational”. I should have said it this way, and proceeds to tell me what I should have said. “I have to know how to handle her” she would say. It’s like every time I have a bad experience it’s my fault in her opinion. I didn’t say the right thing, I gave them ammo by being to opened, I didn’t respond to the situation correctly. Other parents always built up their children young and older.
First of all it seems your mother expresses an opinion when she doesn't know what she is talking about. How would she know why a guy didn't call again or why you didn't get a job interview. Conversely, it is not appropriate for a parent to just say, "you were probably over qualified." When my daughter tells me she didn't get a job, we discuss the job qualifications, questions the interviewer asked, etc. The goal is for me to be helpful to her, not have her become over self-confident.
I suspect she may have been raised this way. My FIL was this way toward my husband. He would place blame before finding out what happened, how it happened, etc.
For the most part I would be dismissive of her comments that don't have any validity. Tell her she isn't being helpful. Going forward, let her know when you want her opinion, you will ask for it. I would only ask if I thought she could be helpful even if it stung.
Last edited by Maddie104; 02-21-2022 at 12:57 PM..
So often, whether the recipient perceives a comment as advice or criticism really ends up depending on the delivery, not the content. And of course, who's making that comment in the first place. The recipient can front-load themselves to expect criticism from one person but welcome advice from another.
As a non-parent (I just saw this post in the sidebar and am bored), I'll chime in.
I am bored to death reading on social media how wonderful everyone's child is...
In the opinion of that child's parent, that is! They gush excessively over the least little thing, post pictures and videos, and self-declare their own child the greatest and cutest thing that ever lived... Do they not realize how obnoxious they sound?
I'm pretty sure they shower their child with all that praise in person, as well (in fact, I've seen and heard it), and this is why we now have a nation of narcissists.
Was your sister the favored child, and could do no wrong? Were you in the scapegoat role? (It sounds like it. ). If so, those are symptoms of parental narcissism. IOW, your mother does this, because her brain is wired that way, and it's not normal. It's in a class of mental illnesses called "personality disorders".
Where's your dad in this picture? Was he supportive of you, or was he an uninvolved, absentee-type dad? Or an enabler of your mom?
In any case, at this age you shouldn't be spending so much time with your mom, if she's so negative. Keep her at a distance and don't share things with her. You can see how that's keeping the door open for her continued emotional abuse of you, right? Or did you not realize it's emotional abuse?
As a non-parent (I just saw this post in the sidebar and am bored), I'll chime in.
I am bored to death reading on social media how wonderful everyone's child is...
In the opinion of that child's parent, that is! They gush excessively over the least little thing, post pictures and videos, and self-declare their own child the greatest and cutest thing that ever lived... Do they not realize how obnoxious they sound?
I'm pretty sure they shower their child with all that praise in person, as well (in fact, I've seen and heard it), and this is why we now have a nation of narcissists.
Just one childless person's opinion, FWIW!
I also saw the OP's post in the sidebar and clicked on to it. I certainly agree with you regarding a nation of narcissists (here in Australia it's the same) as well as heaps and heaps of social media banality concerning one's wonderful children, charming family, how happy we are and you should all be envious of us, etc.
What is probably more disconcerting to me are the amount of 'likes' (just the click of a button, I realize) that are generally showered on to such people. This leads me to believe that there must be thousands and thousands of people out there who rely on what is clearly the narcissism of others to give their lives some meaning. Social media has enabled our 'plastic society' to become exposed big time. Apologies if this is a derail.
What is probably more disconcerting to me are the amount of 'likes' (just the click of a button, I realize) that are generally showered on to such people. This leads me to believe that there must be thousands and thousands of people out there who rely on what is clearly the narcissism of others to give their lives some meaning.
So true! Dozens of "likes" and comments like, "So cute!" "Adorable!" "You have the best family!" "Your posts brighten my days!" Like a fan club. How dreary those days must be!
You can't really know what other moms say to their kids when nobody else is watching, and you can't believe on the imaginary TV parents.
I think a mix of praise and helpful suggestions is good. All criticism destroys self-confidence (thanks, mom), and nobody learns anything from pure praise.
Have you ever considered not telling your mom these things? It's ok not to share things with certain people. You can't change your mom. All you can do is change yourself. I wouldn't tell her those things because she ALWAYS makes YOU to be the problem. That's probably how she was raised. My mom is very similar. My husband walks on water and is the saint of all humanity according to her. Me. Her kid. I'm the devil's spawn and a problem child.....problem child who never drank, smoked, did drugs, slept around, had a job at 16 and paid my own way in life.....yup I'm a problem child. Friends of hers have told her that they would trade their problem child for hers. Theirs were brought home by the cops more than once. Me. Never.
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