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While I'm sure such comments are said from various adults. I'd be less inclined to take to heart either of those parental styles.
Both are inaccurate .
My mom didn't need to build me up or tear me down. I had that mindset already instilled by my brothers!
So my parent instead would say... Write out your own game plan. Have a goal. Not necessarily that you'll GET the job offer, but that you'll GET thru it ..leaving a wonderful impression!
My mom though did know when to let action ease the sense of disappointment. A simple hug was enough. And yes even as an adult it was just what I needed. No words. Just that deed.
For example, if I had a date and the guy didn’t call again she would say. “Did you talk about yourself too much?” “Were you negative?” My friends mother would say something to their children like “He was probably intimated by you” “You are too good for him”.
If I didn’t get a job I interviewed for she would ask what I was wearing, maybe I was too heavy for them. Other parents would say, you were probably over qualified.
If someone treats me bad and I tell my mom what they said to me and my response she would say “you should have worded it differently”. “You shouldn’t have said that!” “Did you tell them too much?” Like saying I give them ammunition to be treated badly when in actuality a nice person wouldn’t use things against me. Other parents would say to their children that those people aren’t worth it. You can find better people etc....
I am a middle aged woman and my mom still always does this. Like my sister is very selfish and I was hurt by something. I told her I wanted to understand why she was acting like this and my mom said that was “too confrontational”. I should have said it this way, and proceeds to tell me what I should have said. “I have to know how to handle her” she would say. It’s like every time I have a bad experience it’s my fault in her opinion. I didn’t say the right thing, I gave them ammo by being to opened, I didn’t respond to the situation correctly. Other parents always built up their children young and older.
My mother never did stop doing this. She was almost 86 when she passed. I was 58.
One time toward the end of her life, I said to her "Mom, I am not YOU. I never WILL be you. I have a different brain. I have a different body. I have lived a whole different life than you have. Why do you keep expecting me to be exactly like you?"
Of course, I knew the answer. She was narcissistic. Narcissistic parents need to control and live vicariously through their children. She couldn't stop being the way she was, especially at her age.
I wish that I had gone no contact with my family and especially my mother many years ago, but I didn't so I'm dealing with things the best I can. Many years ago, it wasn't "a thing" to go "No Contact" with your parent or family.
I wish that I had gone no contact with my family and especially my mother many years ago, but I didn't so I'm dealing with things the best I can. Many years ago, it wasn't "a thing" to go "No Contact" with your parent or family.
My adult stepdaughter has "gone no contact" with her mother and it does not in this case reflect that her mother was dysfunctional or unhealthy. It reflects that her mother triggers her, for reasons I don't think even the stepdaughter entirely understands, and it is best that she avoid contact for now.
My wife's role has been that she's been a little on the needy side (not massively, but enough for daughter to notice -- her daughter sees / disrespects this as weakness and responds to it with anger or cruelty; also, she fears she might be like this herself, and her general response to fear is also anger). So my wife has taken the opportunity to let go of some things and be okay with her daughters judgments in the sense of not coming unmanned by them at least. Whether the daughter is taking any personal lessons / responsibility from this is anyone's guess, but time will tell (or not).
I point this out only to say that "no contact" is inherently and of itself nothing more than an acknowledgment that it's better for one or both parties that they be out of touch, and this does not necessarily mean the parent is substantively at fault in some way, though, quite often, it does.
I agree that regardless of the motivation, this position was basically unthinkable a couple of generations ago. It is still fraught with a lot of shame and stigma, and so parents especially do not talk about it; we had to do some deep-dive research on the phenomenon and were astounded at the prevalence of this kind of thing and the vast heartache it causes. I do not think my stepdaughter blabs about it either, because there's a nonzero probability that people will think she's weird for not getting along with Mom. Some of her older friends I know thought her Mom was quite cool actually, and do not get it, so I'm sure she deflects and soft-peddles their differences to that audience.
It depends. Is your mother trying to help you or is she a negative person? Constructive criticism and mentoring is good thing. Assuming someone is always at fault is a bad thing.
For example, if I had a date and the guy didn’t call again she would say. “Did you talk about yourself too much?” “Were you negative?” My friends mother would say something to their children like “He was probably intimated by you” “You are too good for him”.
If I didn’t get a job I interviewed for she would ask what I was wearing, maybe I was too heavy for them. Other parents would say, you were probably over qualified.
If someone treats me bad and I tell my mom what they said to me and my response she would say “you should have worded it differently”. “You shouldn’t have said that!” “Did you tell them too much?” Like saying I give them ammunition to be treated badly when in actuality a nice person wouldn’t use things against me. Other parents would say to their children that those people aren’t worth it. You can find better people etc....
I am a middle aged woman and my mom still always does this. Like my sister is very selfish and I was hurt by something. I told her I wanted to understand why she was acting like this and my mom said that was “too confrontational”. I should have said it this way, and proceeds to tell me what I should have said. “I have to know how to handle her” she would say. It’s like every time I have a bad experience it’s my fault in her opinion. I didn’t say the right thing, I gave them ammo by being to opened, I didn’t respond to the situation correctly. Other parents always built up their children young and older.
My mother was just like this. She constantly criticized everything I wore, ate, said, read, bought, and did for my entire life. She didn't like my appearance, friends, car, home, academic course, career choice, or anything else, and was verbally abusive about it. I wasn't able to get free of this until she died when I was 44, and it took another 5+ years for me to eliminate the effects of all this negativity and belittlement. I wish I had been smart enough to shut her down when I was 20...a good part of my life would have been a lot happier.
Don't give your mother any ammunition she can use against you. Your dates and jobs and conversations with others are none of her business, and if she asks, change the subject. If she starts criticizing, tell her you're sorry she feels that way and leave the conversation. If your siblings are likely to pass that stuff on to her, don't share with them either. You're going to have to take responsibility for extracting yourself from this situation, because she is never going to change.
My mother CONSTANTLY commented on my looks, both positively and negatively, and NEITHER was welcome. She thought I was physically beautiful as a child/adolescent and to her, for some reason that I will never understand, that was very important.
When I gained a bit of weight, she would tell me, "You're going to lose your looks if you gain any more weight." When I was a scrawny size 4/6 after having major surgery (VERY unwanted but necessary), she thought I was gorgeous. I wasn't -- I was WAY too thin. Her view of me was so, so skewed.
I've always been confident about my BRAIN but never about my looks. Finally, I said to my mother that my looks were totally OFF LIMITS in conversation, whether she thought she was being complimentary or not. She was not happy about this "rule." It got so bad that after I last saw her in November 2000 (and she CONSTANTLY commented on my looks), I never went back again to see her in person because she would just chip, chip, chip away at me until I thought there would be nothing left.
I kept in touch, I called, I sent silly cards and presents, we generally had a good relationship -- but I just refused to go see her in person any more. (It helped that I lived in New Hampshire and she lived in Nevada so I didn't HAVE to deal with her in person if I didn't want to.) She died in July 2019 and I had not seen her in person in almost 20 years. A lot of people thought I would regret that, but I never have, probably because I felt like we still had a decent relationship, but for my own sanity, I simply could not see her in person.
I am always surprised by adults who think they must put up with ANYTHING because of "family." What, shared DNA somehow makes your dysfunctional family "special"? No, it doesn't, and no, you don't have to put up with it. You can CHOOSE to, or you can say, "Enough." I did, and it worked. YMMV, of course.
My mother lost the right to be in my life six years ago. It's been amazing. I wish I'd rejected her thirty-six years ago.
I have one relative who loves me unconditionally. He's made a big difference in my life. Perhaps you have someone like that who sees through your mother's constant criticism and would support you.
OP, I have noticed from your posts that you seem very depressed. I recommend distancing yourself from your mother. Don't respond to any provocation. Don't get dragged back into the dysfunction to be your mother's scapegoat.
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