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So this may or may not sound selfish of me. But it isnt just about me or my needs but its our relationship as a whole. When i met my gf 7 years ago, we just started off as fwbs. She was overwight about 240lbs when i met her. And she used to be 420lbs but had gastric bypass ling before i met her. She started working out. Swiming. Running/walking. And lost a lot of weight. But she ying yangs on the weight which is normal for overweight people. We always gain weight while others just naturally stay fit for some reason.
Now im not skinny either. Im 6ft 280lbs. But i have a lot of muscle from doing physical labor all my life. Im strong. But yes im fat, I have absolitetly no motivation to work out. I sweat profusely. Just standing outside on a hot day i aweat.. working on my antique cars i drio so much my shirts i can wring them out and i drink gallons.. no really gallons of water. So naturally i just cant stand working out due to this issue. Its very un comfortable. And tbh i do landscaping so after a long day outside getting roasted in the sun doing labor i dont want to workout on top of that.
Now here is the issue. Her working out is starting to get into obsession. She works short hours. Usually from 8-9am to 12-1pm. Working for and older couple of which she also lives with.. basically in home care.. so she has PLENTY of time in the day. After work we used to go out to say concerts, go out to eat. Movies. Yes go for walks together with my dog, go to errands togerher.. you know typical relationship stuff. She used to do her run for the day and then wed hang out.
But now she is working out 3+ hours.. EVERY day.. I mean everyday.. non stop no days off. She will go swiming for 1-2 hours. Then go run or walk at the local park for another 1-2 hours.. time to get to these places takes another 1-2 hour of the day.. and well basically after work at 12.. she isnt home until 5 or 6.
After he work outs shes always tired.. falls asleep early, our sex life has gone down hill we used to mess around daily or 4-5 days a week.. Now im lucky if we have sex once a week.
I offered to go working out with her.. maybe i can start losing weight. And we can spend time together doing it.. but her answer is no because she likes doing it solo to keep her mind free.
Now on top of all this she is applying for a 2nd job to work the hours she has free... Which is cool an all but why couldnt we spend time togerher in those hours its really dumb and shes starting to sound narcissistic and stuff and it all started on this excessive working out. Shes 190lbs now. I get she used to be 420 and doesnt want to go back.. but damn its like her life revolves around nothing but working out.
So i just dunno what to do anymore. We dont do anything anymore because of this.. Its been months since we go out. If we do do something she complains about missing that one day of swiming.
She also doesnt eat anymore i noticed too.. Sheckeeps track of her food intake but some days she tells me she hasnt eaten in 2 days.. and oddly she doesnt feel hungry she said.
There is more going on in this relationship but it mainly started with this work out obsession and its controlling her life to the point that me wanting to spend time with her is actually getting on Her nervs.. Its basically not even a relationship anymore.
The other things are she just randomly started telling me that she thinks we should see other people and not for dating but for friends and yes sex.. she said fcking other people shouldnt effect a relationship... but because i dont agree im tying her hands now.. her words.... she has also said that she doesnt like certain things about me and we have nothing in common.. thats hilarious because in the beggining shed come over daily and love helping me work on my cars. Go to salvage yards with me.. Go to aquarium shops for my fish hobby. She always wanted to go out.. wrote love letters.. texted in the morning and at night.. Now if i ask how her day is or what shes doing.. she thinks im trying to see if shes cheating.. That im smothering her.. That is NOT true. Im trying to engage in conversation because she NEVER talks now. Texts say Read.. but she never replies.. she makes snarky comments like (i dont have to reply DO I?? UMMM generally when people talk its courtesy to reoly back if youre not busy.. Now its full blown ignore.. If i aay nothing shes go a week eithout talking (because there is nothing important to say she says) she claims her day is boring.. just old people working out.. picking up food and cooking for he other people and thats it.... She loved everything i did.. What amazes me about this is we knew we didnt have too much in common into it 7 years ago. She tells me she never sees herself with a single person her whole life anyway.. shes been married twice before me as well. Her communication skills are very poor. If she didnt like things about me or what not she should have told me and i would have fixed it. Instead she bottled it up for 7 years and never once told me ??.. Thats rediculous.
The sex has always been amazing. She even admitted it got better as time went on.. Im the best shes ever had.. Mod cut... and yes thats her words and i know its true because she cried when i Mod cut. I helped her get out of her closet. Opened her up to new things. But now suddenly because shes 46 and only had 3 guys... now she wants more men to Mod cut. to make up for lost time.. She even told me.. Mod cut. she wants to try others.. and she said im keeping her hands tied because our bf gf status and me not being into it. and no im not into an open relationship as she suggested. She told me in the last she wanted sex daily.. on many occasions.. Now she said if i can just do one a week and can i leave after.. She wants to go back to fwb.
So its like suddenly her working out obsession.. her bottling things up due to poor communication on her end.. and me bringing her out of the closet sexually.. has suddenly changed her completetly. But shes saying its all me.. Its so weird.
Who says the sex is amazing im Mod cut.. but i want more men now.. its nuts.. I even went as far as to agree to the open relationship thing and i introduced her to a friend.. but he would tell me things she said.... and she actually said shes willing to drop her relationship with me to Mod cut. another guy.
Whoooo says that
Am i wrong here... No im not perfect.. yes ill agree to some of her things she doesnt like about.. Its mainly because im confrontational meaning i dont put up with peoples bs.. if someone is a jerk to me i let them know. I dont get into fights or get extremely nasty.. no never but i will let em know they can go fck themselves. Honestly isnt even that bad.. She expects me to just walk away.. saying im cynical... So instead if telling me she just never said a word.. then boom.. lets break up.
Usually normal people tell you she never did.. So how Mod cut. is this my fault. ?? This is putting ne into huge depression now. Like major, im drinking everyday almost. I dont want to get out of bed anymore. I sleep alot. Hobbies i once loved i dont do anymore. And doing them brings me no joy, im ignoring my mom.. my dog.. everything i havent fixed my two Jeeps in ages and im even 6 months behind on state insoection now.. litterally this depression is ruining my life and i cant get out of it. My heart is crushed. And ive thought of suicide i wont lie.. I got close to doing it a couple times. But i coward out.. Everything she has said is just all came out at once.. and it doesnt seem to bother her one bit it seems its heart crushing when an ex breaks up but the sex thing is making it particularly hard.. It makes me so mad at the thought of that... does it effect her at all ???. noticed shes cutting herself now too.. saw like 20 cuts on her arms... Why is she doing this ???
Please tell me.. am i wrong ?? Or what... what do I do.. i cant imagine a life without her.. She brought so much into my life and made me so happy and she was too . Then suddenly boom.. i dunno what to do anymore. Seems nothing i say will fix this. Even if i changed the few things she mentioned. It doesnt matter. All she wants now is a quick fck and have me leave after. But i dunno if i want that even because she asked if i would get jeleous if she started being with another guy.. could i handle it. I said no.
She claims she isnt and hasnt been looking.. but i dont believe that anymore..
Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-01-2022 at 09:26 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language; not PG-13. Also, thread moved to Psychology and title edited for clarification.
This is putting ne into huge depression now. Like major, im drinking everyday almost. I dont want to get out of bed anymore. I sleep alot. Hobbies i once loved i dont do anymore. And doing them brings me no joy, im ignoring my mom.. my dog.. everything i havent fixed my two Jeeps in ages and im even 6 months behind on state insoection now.. litterally this depression is ruining my life and i cant get out of it. My heart is crushed. And ive thought of suicide i wont lie.. Everything she has said is just all came out at once.. and it doesnt seem to bother her one bit it seems. But maybe it does.. i noticed shes cutting herself now too
Hold on now, you can't ignore the dog. Get your butt up.
Take a shower and call your mom today. Believe it or not, it will make you feel better talking to someone who knows and loves you. It all starts with one small step. Get that dog outside for some fresh air, and get some for yourself too.
I have been latetly.. i have 14 acres. I walk him but thats it or let him out.. but i havent played with him anymore. I had 5 acres of land i wanted to clear out myself woods.. but i didnt touch it for 3 months.. until recently i got the chain saw out and started.
But still im just severly depressed. I shut down fully when i get like that. I cant sleep half the time anymore either.. constantly thinking about her comments wanting to Mod cut. others to make up for her youth.. How is it my fault she never had sx when she was younger.. Our sex life is amazing.. but now shes(used to me) and wants to (experience more) thatd would send anyone into depression. Usually a relationship ends because sex is non existant. Or sucks.. not end because the person wants to add to the tally chart.. Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-01-2022 at 09:09 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language.
Yes, it can be incredibly confusing when the sex is great - i.e., making significant love to each other on another level - but you have nothing in common and the rest of the relationship just doesn't feel right. Sadly, it seems like she wants to move on and has some sort of target weight to get to where she will feel confident enough to do so officially, if she hasn't already. Sorry, but she seems done. This is going to be painful for a while. That's the bad news.
The good news is that you seem independent enough (cars, acreage, hobbies, confident in showing women desires they didn't know they even had) even though you're a bit codependent in this relationship. I'd say buckle up for a while because it is going to be a hard transition, but there are plenty of other chicks out there and you can start fresh. Maybe even find someone who is already in shape.
Sorry to be so blunt, but it seems that the RL with your gf has run its course and she wants a change. I really commend her for losing all that weight, that is an amazing accomplishment.
You should man up and let her go, if that is what she wants. Instead of falling into a paralyzing depression pick yourself up, look around and find yourself another gf. You are young, strong, sexy, own 14 acres of land, etc.......you can have a new woman at the drop of the hat. Don't allow her to make you to a whining doormat, make her jealous, and tell us how it goes. Good luck.
I have been latetly.. i have 14 acres. I walk him but thats it or let him out.. but i havent played with him anymore. I had 5 acres of land i wanted to clear out myself woods.. but i didnt touch it for 3 months.. until recently i got the chain saw out and started.
But still im just severly depressed. I shut down fully when i get like that. I cant sleep half the time anymore either.. constantly thinking about her comments wanting to [Snip.] others to make up for her youth.. How is it my fault she never had sx when she was younger.. Our sex life is amazing.. but now shes(used to me) and wants to (experience more) thatd would send anyone into depression. Usually a relationship ends because sex is non existant. Or sucks.. not end because the person wants to add to the tally chart.. [Snip.]
Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Your GF lost a ton of weight, and she sees guys looking at her, and she wants to explore that. She's made that SUPER CLEAR to you. If she hasn't actually said the words, know she's breaking up with you. SEND HER OFF. Don't let her hurt you anymore. She has treated you very shabbily.
Even though you're in a ton of pain, take the inniative and cut her off. She's shown her true colors, so again...cut her off. Get some of your pride back.
I might be projecting a bit, but it really sounds to me like she is chasing a dopamine high. She got those hits of neurochemicals with the exercise, and unfortunately sex with an established partner rarely feels as wild and drug-like as sex with a new partner does. She is chasing a high. I have the sense that she tried to get back the early adventure feelings with YOU by attempting to establish some distance and to try and make it more like a "casual sex" thing but you can't really put the relationship genie back into the bottle...you are familiar now. In my opinion what is really kind of sad here, is that I think she may not fully comprehend what she is doing. Like she knows what she wants things to feel like, but she isn't totally clear on why they don't feel that way with you anymore, or the fact that chasing after that infatuation thrill with a series of new partners is really hazardous to one's health, besides being an unsustainable rollercoaster emotionally.
The other element to this, that I've seen, is that sometimes a familiar man no longer has any look of hunger or desire in his eyes, and women are often reactive sexually. So if it feels like a man is not "chasing" us anymore (because he's got us) then our feelings of sexiness dwindle, and when that happens we just don't feel sparky and sexually interested as much. Men often only go all "hungry tiger" on us when they've never yet tasted it, or in the early days, too. That's a big part of the thrill of the new, feeling wanted. Not in a plaintive, "I'm begging you, I have needs" kind of a way, but in a "rawr I'm gonna get you" way. Yanno?
And please set aside all this about your plumbing and the size of it. Women's satisfaction is rarely predicated on such technical details and there is a lot more to good sex than that. What's going on in her head is a lot more important than what's going on...down south. Just saying. Also you are going to need to liberate yourself from the burden of blame and fault here. Not every breakup is a system of punishment for wrongs done. Sometimes crap just happens, and it really really sucks but it's not any kind of cosmic justice for anything, it has nothing to do with what anybody deserves. I gotta be real with you...I don't know if you can "fix" this. Because I don't think that you have control over what is the problem. I don't think it's a you thing. I think she believes she needs something that she hasn't got, and the only way for her to get her mind around the fact that chasing it is likely to prove an empty pursuit fraught with stress and drama, is to let her put her hand on that hot stove and learn it for herself.
And finally, let go of this "up her tally" talk. That's not the point, just racking up notches on a bedpost. It's flagrantly obvious from everything she's doing that she is restless and in pursuit of experiences. Unfortunately, she believes that satisfaction for this feeling is to be found with other men. And I'm not really sure how you push back on that without coming off as a controlling jerk to her. It doesn't mean that you ARE one, lots of people will certainly back you that fidelity is a reasonable expectation in a long term relationship...but what society thinks is not going to change what SHE thinks, and more importantly, feels.
I honestly believe that this is what ADHD in women can look like. But that's just my opinion, and I'm no expert.
I think that your best move here is to refocus on your own wellbeing. In any way possible. You are being hurt by something that is outside of your control, please keep in mind that it is no reflection on your value as a person. It has nothing to do with deserving or not deserving anything. It hurts. Yes. But it does not have to destroy you. Be the man who is made of stronger stuff than that, and don't let it.
Um....dude....she wants you two to "see other people", and bluntly stated that means sex with other people, which "shouldn't affect the relationship"?
Forget the workout obsession. You have more serious problems. Sadly, it seems like the relationship is over. It could be, that she just doesn't want to break it to you honestly, but she's pretty much said so but in different words.
Too bad she doesn't want you with her when she's working out. That could have been a good idea, and very helpful to you, potentially. But she seems to have mentally moved on.
So the question now is, how do you cope with that, and get out of your funk? It's good that you recognize you've fallen into a depression and alcohol use to dull the pain. I think part of the problem is, that this relationship is in a sort of limbo; it's become dead weight around your neck, but you can't bring yourself to face the sad reality, and liberate yourself of it, so you can begin to move on. You'll need to bite the bullet, and tell her you can't go on with her. For your own good, OP. Once you get closure on this relationship, you'll have some space to process your grief and start to heal.
I would suggest seeing a grief counselor and get some support for what you're going through. You don't need anti-depressants; if someone suggests that, they're not the counselor you're looking for. You need someone, who will help you work through your grief, anger, confusion, pounding it out on pillows, pouring it out in poison-pen letters, then burning them (the kitchen sink is a handy place for that--you want water nearby when you do that), and other exercises to move through your grief and unburden yourself.
Then, with your new-found self-respect (she's trampling on your self-respect; it's not healthy situation for you), you might find the motivation to start going to the gym. Do something good for yourself like that. It could give you hope.
And cut back on carbs, starches, sweets. That's a fairly easy thing you can do as a form of self-care, after you get through the grief.
Good luck, OP! Brace yourself, and tear the band-aid right off. Perhaps do this after you've found a good counselor, so you have some support for the emotional aftermath. You can Google grief counselors in your area, Perhaps look for those who also do relationship counseling. Some grief counselors only do bereavement counseling. That's not the kind you need. You can ask about that, in the phone conversation you have with counselors you contact, when they respond to your phone message asking if they're taking new clients.
First - play with your dog or re-home him to someone that cares.
See a doctor about your depression. People deal with losing loved ones to death, divorce, break-ups. It happens and they get themselves back up, dust themselves off, and deal with it.
The woman wants to see other people. It doesn't matter why. You can't control how she feels or what she wants. Do not even try. Accept it and walk away. You can't expect her or anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. That comes from within. Again, get help for your depression. Then maybe you will see her differently and realize she is no prize.
And puleeze, we don't need to know Mod cut.. It's irrelevant. Shame on you for even bringing it up (no pun intended).
Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-01-2022 at 09:12 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language.
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