I think I have come the realization/acceptance my father is a narcissist and it's depressing me

[wasel]

Originally Posted by thinkertinker

Yes, I know. It's just I have come to the realization of it this week. There was huge incident involving my father, that kind of made me realize and accept (I think I was in denial he was one) that he is a narcissist. On top of that one of said exes reached out last week to me as well with a super manipulative text (which I completely ignored). While these incidents didn't impact my self esteem or self-worth, I think it's just coming to the realization that I allowed this in my life to be the depressing factor.

I will be fine and I am very solution oriented, but I also believe part of the process is "grieving" in the realization that you have certain weakness and have allowed abuse to persist in your life. It's empowering to realize but very sobering at the same time as you realize there is a lot more work you need to do than what you originally thought.

Originally Posted by thinkertinker

I agree. Who I have dated is my fault. But part of that is understanding where that is coming from so I can resolve the issue within.

So if he behaves the way he does, and always has, it really doesn't matter if it's because he's a "narcissist" or just an ordinary everyday jerk.



Why does putting a fashionable label on it make it different to you?

[AntonioR]

A narcissist and an abuser (whom I think often is the same person) could have one thing in common: they need others to carry out their narcissism/abuse. I certainly can't see any happening on a solitry basis. Narcissist/abusive towards the wall? A table? A sofa? I don't think so.

This also leads me to another realization: narcissists/abusers are in fact weak people who appear to not be able to function if they aren't messing with someone else. Think about it. The one who suffers from the narcissism or abuse of others doesn't need the other to fully live their lives, but the narcissist/abuser does needs others to function. That's why an abuse survivor is able to keep living after the abuse without needing to get abused from others to make their life worthwhile, but an abuser who's initial victim gets away from him will find another person to direct their abuse. They can't live without focusing on other people. That is the epitome of weakness.

[Ruth4Truth]

OP, you've made an important realization about your father, and you've connected it to a pattern in your life, that hasn't been working for you. (Poor choices in dating partners, repeatedly the same type). What you should do now, is find a therapist to talk to about this, to get guidance in how to deprogram yourself, so you can start a new stage of life, of making healthier choices.

The fact that you can now identify behavior relating to a personality disorder is huge, vs. it being normalized in your experience, so that you don't recognize it when you encounter it. Not being cognizant of it causes you to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Now, with your new realization, you have a way out. Good work!

So, now you can do an internet search for therapists, whose profiles/websites say, they deal with relationship issues and family of origin issues. You can see how those two arenas come together for you, right? You can have a session or two with 2 or 3 of the names that come up, and see if you find a good fit. If need be, your health insurance could probably pay for it, though they may have a preference for the type of professional they'll cover.

Best wishes! You're onto something, and with a little help, you can make the most of it, and turn your dating situation around.