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I have a sister that wants to continually rewrite history. Always having some deadly comment on every phone call meant to completely degrade me. I stopped calling on the advice of my therapist (and psychic). She now updates me via cards. I got a very political "Halloween" card from her. I told her son about it and a couple weeks later I got a more explanatory card. I am able to keep in the grapevine with my nephew and my sister sends cards (she knows we have little in common and so this seems to be working for us now). We are separated by 17 years, a few thousand miles, political affiliation and lifestyle (and much more). But, we're still sisters.
I believe some of this plowing over your thoughts and feelings has to do with people with a superiority complex (which is really at it's core an inferiority complex). It's not that I don't understand why; it's that the experience is still so totally demeaning and unpleasant (unless there are some other social offsets to that behavior I'd say skip it).
We are lucky to call a handful of people true friends and sometimes we have to replenish our supply so it's a work in progress that can take years.
I have a sister that wants to continually rewrite history. Always having some deadly comment on every phone call meant to completely degrade me. I stopped calling on the advice of my therapist (and psychic). She now updates me via cards. I got a very political "Halloween" card from her. I told her son about it and a couple weeks later I got a more explanatory card. I am able to keep in the grapevine with my nephew and my sister sends cards (she knows we have little in common and so this seems to be working for us now). We are separated by 17 years, a few thousand miles, political affiliation and lifestyle (and much more). But, we're still sisters.
I believe some of this plowing over your thoughts and feelings has to do with people with a superiority complex (which is really at it's core an inferiority complex). It's not that I don't understand why; it's that the experience is still so totally demeaning and unpleasant (unless there are some other social offsets to that behavior I'd say skip it).
We are lucky to call a handful of people true friends and sometimes we have to replenish our supply so it's a work in progress that can take years.
Yep. It's very annoying, tiring.. and unnecessary. I don't think this way, so it is easier to have the conversation flow, being more on equal terms with others. Why one desires conflict and being heavy-handed or oppositional in their approach, is so negative. Sadly, I don't think they will stop and consider their behavior, so we have no choice but to have less contact (or none, if possible).
i cant stand the ones who say "GET OVER IT" . they are usually solution-finders and sometimes you just want to vent. or perhaps if you COULD do what they suggest, you would, but you dont have the strength to or the problem is overwhelming.
i cant stand the ones who say "GET OVER IT" . they are usually solution-finders and sometimes you just want to vent. or perhaps if you COULD do what they suggest, you would, but you dont have the strength to or the problem is overwhelming.
I had more of this from my relative earlier today.. just anything and everything casually said, has to have a negative response to, an oppositional remark...over nothing! It's so difficult, and would prefer to avoid it, but we are older, have a history...and can be reliant upon each other at times for certain things.
At one point while in the car, while having done chatting on our way somewhere...I asked "Why does there always need to be so much opposition to everything? Of course, I did not get a real response.. only justification for her decision prior to my asking that. While shopping, it was a chore, something I do usually by myself, but was there to help her choose what she was seeking.. just being patient while trying to help. Anyway, it was not easy..and good thing I can remain calm. I envy those having siblings or others in their lives whom are easy to communicate with.
No longer having some old friends, relationships I once had, I am in need of developing something new with others, yet is not simple for older folks to create this easily. I would hope to get to know others again whom do not function in this way, whenever having the opportunity to do so. I miss having times with those whom never left me feeling so drained. I feel what is so depleting is one never agreeing or saying such - "That's true...", "Oh, I know", "You might be right", "Oh, I never thought of that".. (anything that is a plus, not a minus). You can feel like a wooden chair that the other person just keeps kicking and breaking down, instead of supplying furniture polish to with care..(just a quick analogy).
I think that many must appreciate there being an ease of discussion, an equal give and take, being validated, and if imparting some information with one another, gently having it considered, instead of there being miscommunication, lack of understanding, denial, opposition. Apparently, those having long term involvements must have positive reasons to continue doing so, and good for them. I feel it takes being understanding, easygoing, compassionate, a good listener, self-aware and apologetic, to maintain relationships.
It appears I am not alone in this from those expressing themselves. There being different personalities and psychological issues going unchecked, it doesn't work and if another habitually takes upon a superior stance for instance, it is too draining. (Just wanting to unload a bit).
Last edited by In2itive_1; 01-14-2023 at 12:44 AM..
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I know everyone is not so thoughtless or judgemental, having had compatibly understanding friends over the years, but experience this always from a relative, which is difficult, and suppose I shouldn't share things with her.
OP, my first guess when I read the first part of your post was, that it sounded like a family behavior, where perhaps an older relative was relating to you as if you were still a child. Some people aren't able to transition from the parental-figure (or aunt, uncle, older sibling) to child relationship into a relationship of more or less peers, when the younger generation reaches adulthood, even well into adulthood.
Is it possible, that this is what's going on? I don't know the age of the person treating you this way. It sounds like gaslighting.
...I have read articles describing how it is definitely inappropriate for one to do this to another. I doubt most people are like that and I don't know if we could get them to stop, it being a personality problem, also wondering how commonplace this issue may be for others.
It hasn't always been considered a personality problem. There was a time when we tried to help others see situations from a different perspective, in order to help them cope with situations they face. We were told to learn to live in the lives we were born to, and do the best with what we have. Our elders would help us do that.
I think we as a people have in general read too many self-help books, and spend too much time on how others should approach us. It seems to me that this has given us a means to blame our personal problems on others, rather than our own lack of coping methods.
OP, my first guess when I read the first part of your post was, that it sounded like a family behavior, where perhaps an older relative was relating to you as if you were still a child. Some people aren't able to transition from the parental-figure (or aunt, uncle, older sibling) to child relationship into a relationship of more or less peers, when the younger generation reaches adulthood, even well into adulthood.
Is it possible, that this is what's going on? I don't know the age of the person treating you this way. It sounds like gaslighting.
Yes, thanks...my older sister. We are both Seniors, and feel I am spoken to like a child.. (that's just one instance). As an example, she recently sent me an email with a link about something, to "inform me", assuming I must not know of what she just read about - "how a Neti-pot requires sterile water", knowing that I have mentioned doing nasal-rinsing.
I wrote back and said, "Yes, I am way ahead of you, been using one for years". She writes back, "But did you read this? It's not about using one, it's about not using tap water in it". I wrote back, "I always read and follow instructions. When I said I have been using one, that means I have known how to". (I realize, I might have just stated "Yes, I use sterile water", but she forces a defensive reaction from me).
See, the assumption or projection is that I must not be aware. This is minor, but will often send me News from an online source (thinking it must be the best), about something I am already aware of, keeping up with TV news, other sources (and CD..haha). She will otherwise resist that I could have knowledge of something she does not.
I can not be right about anything either, even if so. In fact, if I am, she will not acknowledge that, and there are no apologies if she says or does something wrong. As said, we cannot even have a simple conversation. She has to justify anything she says, being the opposite, remaining superior. (I don't even know where she got this from, my parents not having been so difficult).
Surely, others must experience this, having seen some say they cut off completely from siblings, which I am unable to do. (A good friend who moved elsewhere near relatives is experiencing a similar dynamic from his brother...sounding painful). I think I have read that one should just avoid interacting, change the subject, not give into their uppity behavior, yet she is my only sibling.
The sad thing is, not having had others around me in recent years who function more normally, the balance is off for me. Certainly, if currently having had a positive support system, I might not feel so negated, disregarded, opposed. I think if being validated and having positive interactions regularly, one would not be so depleted.
Thank you for your observation Ruth, and reading this. (It hit me later that I should have extended my topic to include more aspects of, besides what I stated initially).
Last edited by In2itive_1; 01-15-2023 at 02:04 AM..
It hasn't always been considered a personality problem. There was a time when we tried to help others see situations from a different perspective, in order to help them cope with situations they face. We were told to learn to live in the lives we were born to, and do the best with what we have. Our elders would help us do that.
I think we as a people have in general read too many self-help books, and spend too much time on how others should approach us. It seems to me that this has given us a means to blame our personal problems on others, rather than our own lack of coping methods.
But that's just me.
Well, what I am trying to express partly is about an "Oppositional Conversational Style", or OCS - when one is not agreeable, their need being to not agree, which would make one feel weak, apparently. If you say blue, they will say pink, if you say pink, they will say blue. They need to constantly say the opposite rather than agree with anything, supposing this makes them feel empowered. It's unusual, only having experienced with two people.
Early on here, I mentioned a long-time neighbor whom has to always be right about anything and everything, no matter how absurdly off base or judgmental he is being. After his stating some odd view or remark, will emphatically say "Yes".."Yes" and not allow another to get a word in. Once though, he actually said "I could be wrong, but..." I said "Wait, did you just say you could be wrong??" So we had a laugh..but I know what to expect if interacting with him.
Nobody is perfect, but I really appreciate when a person is level-headed and easygoing, not liking conflict. I have experienced many others throughout life whom would easily communicate - sharing thoughts, feelings, listening, agreeing, giving and taking advice, being open, receptive - not heavy-handed or oppositional. They are also mature and if necessary, are able to apologize.
I think it is why I enjoy interacting with others in public, since I am friendly and others appear to be also. It is uplifting -- smiling, chatting, joking, sharing, being considerate - though I realize I do not know these individuals intimately, it gives me a boost.
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(I realize, I might have just stated "Yes, I use sterile water", but she forces a defensive reaction from me). 
