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"Soulmates" and "the one true love" are as mythical as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Hall Mark Greeting Cards, Disney movies and Debeers Diamonds have successfully sold generations on the big hoax of "romantic love".
I am afraid I must agree with the above. The saddest thing is that people keep seeking this fantasy, which leads to an even deeper disappointment when they don't achieve this delusional state of finding the soulmate or one true love.
So many put up with a bunch of crap simply because this is the "love of their life", "one true love" or "soulmate".
Relationships are extremely hard work, the "magic" disappears rather quickly.
Oh...I don't know... Like I do not believe that EVERYONE has some woo woo magical person out there that is ~destined~ to be their One Twue Wuv.
The closest thing in the real world is two people who are highly compatible...mentally, physically, sexually, in terms of values and goals and lifestyles, needs and wants and communication... People can get lucky, really just...hit the jackpot in finding just the right S/O for them, I certainly did with my husband and he feels he did with me.
But here's the other part no one talks about.
You have to be ready for them, and for this.
There were times, because my husband is 20 years older than me (we're 43/63 and we were 36/56 when we met) that I pondered the sad fact that we won't get as many years together before age related things start to slow him, or us, down. I thought of the things I did before I met him that I wished with all my heart I had shared with him instead. I've even thought about how I was better looking when I was 18 and before I had two kids with my first husband and how I wish so badly that any value inherent in my younger self could have been given to this wonderful man instead of the mess I married the first go around. And I said something, at some point, to my husband, about how I wish I'd met him when I was 18 or so...if only I could have given US those years instead.
And he said, he did not wish that. Because realistically, if we had met that many years ago, I would not have liked him as the man he was at the time and he would have been rather distrustful or even scared of me, and it would not have worked. He wasn't ready, he said. And I thought about it....I wasn't ready, either. We met at exactly the time when we should have met, when we both had gone a certain distance along our respective paths apart, that we needed to travel, first. We could not have made this wonderful relationship until we were both ready. There were other lessons we had to learn, first, from other teachers.
But the thing is, I've known some older people who were stubbornly awful in ways I outgrew ages ago, we aren't all on the same paths to the same outcomes in life, even if we're on the same conveyor belt with the same ultimate end in death. But to the question of being ready... If one is dreaming of a soul mate, is that someone who is perfect for the YOU that you are today, or who is perfect for a better you who may exist in ten years? Or will you grow that far at all? I think that in a big, if abstract way, looking for a soul mate is looking outside for something that has to begin inside.
True love and soul mates do exist, but I believe that for the vast majority of people there are multiple other people in this world that could be considered their true love or soul mate, if only they got the chance to meet them and get to know them.
Think about it. How many people does the average person get to know in their lives beyond a superficial meeting? 100, 200, 1,000? There are 8 billion people in this world. The odds that they have actually found the one person in the world that would make them the most happy is pretty low. All I'm saying is that the average person could be very happy with multiple different people. They just happen to grab the first one that made them feel that way.
Soul mates exist but they are extremely rare. Aiming to marry a soulmate is like taking up guitar as a teenager because you want to be a rock star - it's probably not going to happen. And just like rock stars, we put soulmate couples on a pedestal and amplify their stories, making it seem like it's more common than it is.
It's not the romantic thing to say, but marriage has more in common with "good enough, let's keep working on it together" than "everything is easy because we just click".
Oh...I don't know... Like I do not believe that EVERYONE has some woo woo magical person out there that is ~destined~ to be their One Twue Wuv.
The closest thing in the real world is two people who are highly compatible...mentally, physically, sexually, in terms of values and goals and lifestyles, needs and wants and communication... People can get lucky, really just...hit the jackpot in finding just the right S/O for them, I certainly did with my husband and he feels he did with me.
But here's the other part no one talks about.
You have to be ready for them, and for this.
There were times, because my husband is 20 years older than me (we're 43/63 and we were 36/56 when we met) that I pondered the sad fact that we won't get as many years together before age related things start to slow him, or us, down. I thought of the things I did before I met him that I wished with all my heart I had shared with him instead. I've even thought about how I was better looking when I was 18 and before I had two kids with my first husband and how I wish so badly that any value inherent in my younger self could have been given to this wonderful man instead of the mess I married the first go around. And I said something, at some point, to my husband, about how I wish I'd met him when I was 18 or so...if only I could have given US those years instead.
And he said, he did not wish that. Because realistically, if we had met that many years ago, I would not have liked him as the man he was at the time and he would have been rather distrustful or even scared of me, and it would not have worked. He wasn't ready, he said. And I thought about it....I wasn't ready, either. We met at exactly the time when we should have met, when we both had gone a certain distance along our respective paths apart, that we needed to travel, first. We could not have made this wonderful relationship until we were both ready. There were other lessons we had to learn, first, from other teachers.
But the thing is, I've known some older people who were stubbornly awful in ways I outgrew ages ago, we aren't all on the same paths to the same outcomes in life, even if we're on the same conveyor belt with the same ultimate end in death. But to the question of being ready... If one is dreaming of a soul mate, is that someone who is perfect for the YOU that you are today, or who is perfect for a better you who may exist in ten years? Or will you grow that far at all? I think that in a big, if abstract way, looking for a soul mate is looking outside for something that has to begin inside.
My wife and I met in our 30s. We were in the same city for 2-3 years but didn't cross paths. We talk about having met earlier, but we know we weren't right for each other until the time we actually met. The best match is the right person at the right time, not some one person who you could meet at any time in your life. Even if we are basically the same person, we change and grow (and not just around the waist!).
I have a very old school thinking and perhaps a old soul wandering in todays world.
I thought I found true love but I learned love is a biggest lie.
Grew up in 2000’s idealizing the idea of true love.
Things have changed tremendously since then. I don’t know if it’s only me but people have become materialistic. Genuine people and relationships are hard to find.
Basic morals are looked down upon and the worldly desires are given more value.
I would have liked to live in a different time when things were more simple and innocent.
I can see you are young as you idealize the past--people are the same in every time, there's just different technology; there was no innocent time. Maybe a bit more simple--but then you have your disadvantages like no indoor plumbing for just one example.
Yet don't give up. Love that is true and real does happen, I'm proof of that. Not that you'll always have it that's why you can't base your life and hope on it or then your world will fall apart when it does end.
But amidst the materialism and greed and phoniness of people out there, there actually are true, genuine people whom you may be able to find that will genuinely love you not for your money or whatever else they think they can gain, but just to be with you. It's the best thing that can happen to you and it will be the happiest time of your life, if it comes to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar
I think the concept of true love is an honorable goal. But I think it's not what we mistakenly think it is.
It's more difficult to achieve than just that wonderful feeling we have when we fall in love or love somebody. It is accompanied with feelings of disappointment, loss, self-sacrifice and failure but continues to exist in spite of them. It's selfless, doesn't acknowledge indebtedness or hurt. It gives without expecting in return.
Is it possible for anyone to reach that state of unconditional love? For two people who have reached that state to find each other? Would it work if they did? LOL.
It certainly is, I'm proof of that. It may not be very common, but it certainly does exist (and I cannot speak for my husband, but I feel he felt the same).
I've felt this way a few times, but then something would happen to change all that.
The first time was in my early 20s - went to high school with a girl, but didn't know her well then. We got acquainted on social media and starting see each other. We were both heavy drinkers at the time, and a lot of things were said that were hurtful, but we probably didn't mean. We stopped seeing each other, she met her now husband, but we talked for many more years after she got married. We went to dinner a couple years ago after seeing her at a grocery store, still a lot of chemistry there.
I dated a girl back in 2018-2020. Great person, lots of chemistry, but she had a lot of medical issues, and some mental health issues that probably started from her physical issues. She passed away in January, but had I known her before she got sick, I think things would have been different.
I have a very old school thinking and perhaps a old soul wandering in todays world.
I thought I found true love but I learned love is a biggest lie.
Grew up in 2000’s idealizing the idea of true love.
Things have changed tremendously since then. I don’t know if it’s only me but people have become materialistic. Genuine people and relationships are hard to find.
Basic morals are looked down upon and the worldly desires are given more value.
I would have liked to live in a different time when things were more simple and innocent.
I don't normally reply to one post wonders, but there are points being missed.
For many people who don't think it through, "true love" equates to a constant rush of feel good chemicals that never wanes, and absence of conflict. Around 1970 there was a film that epitomized that "true love" and came up with the most insipid and stupid line of the decade. I'm talking, of course, about "Love Story" and the catchline "Love means never having to say you're sorry." It got around all the deeper issues by having the young woman die before anything else came up. When the love object dies in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, the rapture pedestal comes out. Poets have written about that since there was the written word.
People have always had a streak of being materialistic. Marrying above one's "station in life" was always a goal. Trophy wives were a goal then as now. Having children that would live a rich life, even if it meant marrying someone the person disliked was always a thing.
By genuine, I suspect you mean honest, faithful, and understanding. Finding "genuine" people and relationships has always been a challenge. They are out there, but vetting others can be difficult.
When you talk of love, you had best remember that there are types of love: Eros, Storge, Pragma, Agape, Ludus, Mania, and others. "True" love fulfills the needs within all those, a near impossible task and perhaps one that is best avoided as a qualifier in relationships.
When your true love is your own anima or animus projection, no real person will ever fully meet that, and when there is divergence, there will be all sorts of negative things that can occur. Best to recognize that as well.
What continuing love requires is primarily good relationship skills. Foster those, take your time learning those, and the dross will fall away and chances of success are much improved.
Soulmates: Yes there are soulmates. The why and how can be complicated and vary with individuals. That a person has only one soulmate is uncommon. People can grow into being soulmates.
For an exercise, write down as a list all the critical things that you feel a relationship demands. Come back to it every week for six months and revise it into a new list. During that time, read all you can on what makes relationships work and what destroys them. You might find your list changing.
It is a bit sad that people will spend four or six years in college to feel qualified for a job, but expend zero effort on learning how to be successful in relationships.
Soulmates exist but are rare. I agree that people can grow into being soulmates.
Some people think that theirs is a soulmate marriage. My father believed his most recent marriage was a soulmate marriage. Well, it was his marriage but I disagree. He overlooked a lot because there were other things that were very gratifying. Compared to his other marriages I suppose it was more satisfying. Was it a soulmate marriage? I guess if you acknowledge that one person compromised more than the other. Nothing is ever equal, but still...
People who have long term marriages and are reasonably happy can qualify as soulmates. Still married through thick and thin, and happy or at least reasonably happy.
I personally don't think that things were ever simple and innocent.
Every historical period had their own way in which relationship worked. Arranged marriages or marriages of interest were norm in the past too and not only for royalty.
I'm not sure what true love means. Love itself is some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain, that lasts more or less. Successful marriages however are based on different things rather than the fleeting emotions of the beginning of a relationship: mutual understanding, mutual respect, trust, dependability, desire to make it work, etc. Of course there is nothing wrong with being madly in love but this doesn't last and is not guarantee that the initial bliss will translate into a long lasting relationship.
If you have Indian friends ask them how they define a successful relationship. In a culture where arranged marriages is a norm.
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