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Old 02-17-2023, 05:53 PM
 
Location: New York Area
35,512 posts, read 17,429,136 times
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Back-burner relationships: the psychology behind “what if” and why we can’t let go of past relationships (link)

I saw this article and got to thinking about whether I have any. I have been happily married almsot 32 years. I have an ex from when I was 15, during the summer of 1972, on Facebook. Two of my exes moved into our rather small village of about 4000 people.

My wife became friendly with both of them. I have maintained any relationship with them through my wife, even though we went out to a play once with one of them and her husband.

On the other hand my close friend's brother, for his third marriage, married his ex from high school. He seems happy for the first time that I've seen him. So this article "makes me wonder", to paraphrase Led Zeppelin.
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Old 02-17-2023, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
62,321 posts, read 88,248,980 times
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Back burners are often relationships based on: l don't really see this relationship going anywhere, but it will do till something better crosses my path. That person is usually someone not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement.

Your exes aren't on back burner, unless you are planning to have some sort of relationship with them (more than friendship).

"Just friends" on back burner are those who are considered to fill in when you haven't anyone else to entertain you or to ask for favor when you don't want to ask for such favor your real friends.
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Old 02-17-2023, 07:26 PM
 
Location: New York Area
35,512 posts, read 17,429,136 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
Back burners are often relationships based on: l don't really see this relationship going anywhere, but it will do till something better crosses my path. That person is usually someone not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement.

Your exes aren't on back burner, unless you are planning to have some sort of relationship with them (more than friendship).

"Just friends" on back burner are those who are considered to fill in when you haven't anyone else to entertain you or to ask for favor when you don't want to ask for such favor your real friends.
You nailed it for me. But for my close friend's brother? I never asked if she was a boomerang or a back-burner.
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Old 02-18-2023, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
62,321 posts, read 88,248,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa View Post
You nailed it for me. But for my close friend's brother? I never asked if she was a boomerang or a back-burner.
Your close friends brother high school ex was the whole time on back burner. Or re- discovered later in life?
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Old 02-18-2023, 08:19 PM
 
Location: New York Area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
Your close friends brother high school ex was the whole time on back burner. Or re- discovered later in life?
I never asked. My friend's family is not the "affair" type but his brother did have two divorces. My friend, his parents and his sister have had rock-solid, lengthy marriages.The parents were married more than 55 years, my friend has been married 35 years and I'm not sure about the sister, but likely about 30 years. Interestingly the sister also married a high-school sweetheart.
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Old 02-18-2023, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
62,321 posts, read 88,248,980 times
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Being twice divorced doesn't mean that they are "affair" type. It could be just a lack of compatibility.
I think life is way too short to stick with someone for wrong reasons. Why suffer, if there is a possibility of meeting someone more suitable, and be happy??
Many marriages are bitter or estranged but people stay together just because of vows in a church or keeping appearances.
Just why???
Mistakes happen, but they should be corrected.

The high school sweethearts are often sweet memories and an attempt to see if there could be something beyond the teenage infatuation. Why look for new people to meet if some friends from the past are still available? Many times those people are best choices.
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Old 02-19-2023, 06:01 AM
 
Location: New York Area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
Being twice divorced doesn't mean that they are "affair" type. It could be just a lack of compatibility....Mistakes happen, but they should be corrected.
I think in this case you may be right. I had lunch with my friend in January and he told me that while his brother's first wife was very sincere and quite sweet she wasn't nearly as bright. On the other hand, very few people are that bright. As for the second wife, I met her. She wasn't unattractive but that's the best I can say about her. She was condescending and rude. Also, my friend's father had to rather forcefully break up my friend's brother from someone who would have been a bad choice. Good choices weren't his thing.
[quote=elnina;64895347] I think life is way too short to stick with someone for wrong reasons. Why suffer, if there is a possibility of meeting someone more suitable, and be happy??
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
Many marriages are bitter or estranged but people stay together just because of vows in a church or keeping appearances.
Just why???
In general I agree. However, many times marriages hit rough patches. I am married 32 years as of this May and in general it's been great. I'd be lying if I said that there weren't rough patches. There are and will be.

My mother lived her life with one foot out the door, one foot in with my Dad (marriage ended by his 1973 death) and my stepfather. I think it's not good to live that way. Also, my mother's college sweetheart kept reappearing throughout her life. Every time there was an attempted reunion, she was scared away by the very things that made them not see each other after college.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
The high school sweethearts are often sweet memories and an attempt to see if there could be something beyond the teenage infatuation. Why look for new people to meet if some friends from the past are still available? Many times those people are best choices.
In the case of our community, especially my demographic, college attendance is virtually universal. In 1969 my friend's brother went off to Princeton and then medical school. I don't know where his sweetheart went but guaranteed it was somewhere similarly tony. Where I'm from many develop other relationships. Some work out. Some don't. Some are ended by death, which affords reunion opportunities.
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Old 02-19-2023, 05:08 PM
 
1,062 posts, read 935,171 times
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"...because of vows in a church..."
essentially, is your word to be trusted?
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Old 02-20-2023, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Ruston, Louisiana
2,219 posts, read 1,129,511 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa View Post
Back-burner relationships: the psychology behind “what if” and why we can’t let go of past relationships (link)

I saw this article and got to thinking about whether I have any. I have been happily married almsot 32 years. I have an ex from when I was 15, during the summer of 1972, on Facebook. Two of my exes moved into our rather small village of about 4000 people.

My wife became friendly with both of them. I have maintained any relationship with them through my wife, even though we went out to a play once with one of them and her husband.

On the other hand my close friend's brother, for his third marriage, married his ex from high school. He seems happy for the first time that I've seen him. So this article "makes me wonder", to paraphrase Led Zeppelin.
I think that not everyone that holds on to a past relationship is not 'capable' of moving past one, I think they choose to hang on to certain ones for various reasons. I have several relationships that didn't work out and I never have even run into them again in decades. I also have a couple that are good friends and nothing else. We remained friends. I am still friends with my EX husband of 28 years, we've been divorced 19 years.
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