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Old 03-08-2023, 10:15 PM
 
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well, some of why you are what you are is due to parents raising you. Sometimes they have habits that go from generation to generation and they just pass this on to their kids, and so forth because they think this is the norm.

So then you grow up, now you are an adult and you have control over yourself especially if you move out. So even though they might have instilled something bad in you, like a bad habit, you can realize it and then you as an adult can change it.

Even when we are damaged when we are kids from bad upbringing, we might be broken, but yet, we can overcome. though some wallow in it for whatever they want out of it.

depends on what kind of coping skills we have or can learn, what kind of support/freinds we have as an adult, some need therapy, everyone needs God and Jesus, but even an atheist can overcome things . perhaps by learning that things can be different, and they CAN say no to people, and they CAN get out of being a victim or self pity.

some of this takes a whole lifetime, especially when one does not realize something is hindering them.. coz they dont know what they dont know. sometimes others can point things out and we can get better. sometimes we never do. I have a couple of habits that I dont think I will ever change but it's ok for me. like the way I do housework. my family does it different than me, but im ok with it.
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Old 03-09-2023, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Washington state
7,049 posts, read 4,932,246 times
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I know I and many, many others chose to break this cycle of abuse by simply not having kids. If I had had kids, likely they would have been 15 or so before I realized how much like my dad I was and how I had his terrible temper. By that time, even though I have changed as much as I have now, the damage would have been done.
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Old 03-11-2023, 04:26 AM
 
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You can use it until you get tired of it because it's not working anymore.
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Old 03-12-2023, 09:16 AM
 
991 posts, read 615,748 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sam812 View Post
The second you move out on your own. I had a beyond horrible child hood and it really makes me mad to hear people blame THEIR problems on their upbringing.

My dad was and still is a completely worthless drunk. I got taken to and many many time left at bars as a young kid. Beat for no other reason than he was hung over and mad. Was super poor and many times did not have anything to eat. The list goes on and on.

In my life I not only went to work everyday I worked so hard I retired in my 40s. So life is what YOU make it.
I am so terribly sorry you had such an awful upbringing! I sincerely hope you have found happiness and peace now.
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Old 03-17-2023, 10:43 AM
 
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,613,149 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TonyB83 View Post
How long can you use your parents flaws and your upbringing as an excuse for some of your flaws?


IMO, blaming your parents for your adult life is a way to avoid responsibility now. Ofc we all complained about our parents as teens to our friends. Everything was their fault….it couldn’t possibly be because they were trying to protect us or do what’s best & we were too immature to see it. And, it’s a normal stage of development to be rebellious against your parents in early adolescence. But taking it to adulthood is dysfunctional.

I know that some ppl were abused in a serious way…but, even then it doesn’t do any good to blame them over something they probably didn’t have control over, like alcohol or mental illness. Treatment will involve working through that pain & building the self up. They need to feel empowered, hopeful & positive to have a better life as adults. You still have to take responsibility for your own life & happiness. They don’t control your life. If you still think they do, something is wrong.

Blaming ppl or never taking responsibility for your own life is a sign of narcissism. Lots of psychopaths will show this behavior. They not only lie but they will blame & try to manipulate their victims….like it’s justified because they were “done wrong”.
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Old 03-17-2023, 07:34 PM
gg
 
Location: Pittsburgh
26,137 posts, read 26,055,314 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TonyB83 View Post
Let me just say I’m not talking about physical or sexual abuse here obviously those are things that can cause trauma throughout a persons life that without therapy are hard to overcome.

I’m talking about just kinda crummy parents with flaws wheter narcissism selfishness etc how long can you use bad parenting at times as an excuse for your issues?

I had an alcoholic father who had some other issues as well and I remember even as a kid thinking I don’t want to go in his direction.

I’m not saying every young kid has that self awareness and I can see how something like that can affect you negatively into your adult years but once you reach a certain age I think self awareness has to come in to play and you have to try to stop emulating negative traits you might have gotten from your parents.

If by a certain age you haven’t changed then imo it’s no longer on your parents or upbringing it’s on you.. You clearly have no interest in change and this is just who you are as a person
If you are aware of the flaws, then you can no longer use those flaws. Awareness it he answer, IMHO. You know what to do if you know your parents flaws. FIX THEM yourself and grow.
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Old 03-17-2023, 10:13 PM
 
Location: Durham, NC
2,628 posts, read 3,163,627 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sam812 View Post
The second you move out on your own. I had a beyond horrible child hood and it really makes me mad to hear people blame THEIR problems on their upbringing.

My dad was and still is a completely worthless drunk. I got taken to and many many time left at bars as a young kid. Beat for no other reason than he was hung over and mad. Was super poor and many times did not have anything to eat. The list goes on and on.

In my life I not only went to work everyday I worked so hard I retired in my 40s. So life is what YOU make it.
My dad had roughly similar, maybe not as much of the beating but seeing the family lose a lot. His father was an alcoholic and philanderer/playboy. Dad watched him and learned what not to do. A couple of his siblings watched him and learned what to do. Dad was by far the pick of his litter, according to those who knew the family.
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Old 03-18-2023, 06:55 AM
 
1,706 posts, read 1,177,207 times
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These days I jokingly tell people, We all turn into one of our parents- try to turn out like the more successful one.

BTW this is also why end of life care for older relatives can be stressful to arrange- some younger relatives view matriarchs and patriarchs of the family as "tough leaders" or "saints" and others view them as abusers or burdens to others.

A friend of mine fell into a deep depression after his mother died of natural causes- because of her illness she told him the truth about how troubled her long marriage was.....Before that my friend was blissfully unaware of the drama and fighting between his parents.

Don't repeat your parents mistakes. Every day is a chance to be a better human being.
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Old 03-18-2023, 09:16 AM
 
Location: az
13,967 posts, read 8,136,531 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TonyB83 View Post
Let me just say I’m not talking about physical or sexual abuse here obviously those are things that can cause trauma throughout a persons life that without therapy are hard to overcome.

I’m talking about just kinda crummy parents with flaws wheter narcissism selfishness etc how long can you use bad parenting at times as an excuse for your issues?

I had an alcoholic father who had some other issues as well and I remember even as a kid thinking I don’t want to go in his direction.

I’m not saying every young kid has that self awareness and I can see how something like that can affect you negatively into your adult years but once you reach a certain age I think self awareness has to come in to play and you have to try to stop emulating negative traits you might have gotten from your parents.

If by a certain age you haven’t changed then imo it’s no longer on your parents or upbringing it’s on you.. You clearly have no interest in change and this is just who you are as a person
My father was a rageaholic. The slightest thing set him off. I hated him growing up but never used him as an excuse for failures in life. (Father died 30 years ago.)

However, it does makereminiscing about growing up with my brother and sister very uncomfortable.

Even today when I'm taking a nap and there's a sudden noise my body tenses up.
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