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How do you know if you love yourself? I don't know if I do or not. Is there a test I can take?
When you love someone you consider how your decisions and actions will affect them, I am still trying to break out of the codependent mold I was poured into so I can give you an example. It was the moment I first understood something had gone really, really wrong in my upbringing. I was at the grocery store, and they sold single-serve meals. There was a sale if you bought ten. Three people in the house, ten meals. I found myself deliberately not buying the meals I liked and only buying the ones my family liked. They were single-serve meals! I was going to eat at least two of them. Why didn't I take that into account? Because I was trained somewhere along the way I didn't matter. My husband and daughter didn't tell me what to buy and they could not have cared less if I bought what I liked. They would just not eat it. I stood in the frozen food aisle, saying, "WTF did they do to me?"
Where did this knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response to someone complaining about being lonely come from?
Did they do some study and discover the sole source of loneliness in human beings results from not "loving yourself" ?
I think its just an easy cop out way for mental health people, counselors and therapists to shut down or divert the topic instead of addressing it. Especially in group therapy even other people in the group will parrot the self defeating accusatory "you have to love yourself first" before the counselor says anything.
Excuse me but what have I said or done that gives YOU the impression I DON'T love myself, Why do you think I need THAT advice?
I was nasty last time someone said that. Put them on the spot.
BULL****. When someone tells you that, it's from experience, hard lived and hard learned. I speak for myself, and I've been through a lot. I GENUINELY WISH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART THAT I HAD TAKEN THAT ADVICE MANY, MANY YEARS AGO. You have no clue what it even means. Learning to be HAPPY BEING SINGLE is not easy and it takes a lot of soul searching and work. We may give you advice you don't want to hear, but it's really good stuff. Look at me now, and look at you. Maybe you should take this advice, put it to work in your life and before you know it, someone will come along and you will be inviting someone in to compliment your life, not join your CHAOS.
Why be nasty? Or so reactionary to a stupid statement. Last time someone said that to me , years ago, I just laughed so hard and asked if they wanted to recheck their crystal ball for cracks.
It's NOT a stupid statement. Not at all, and certainly not worthy of inappreciative remarks. Oh, and you're not funny either.
I am going to have fun with this one at an AA meeting.
Those familiar with the format know you get to share without interruption so I am going to say how staying sober during the day is easy but at night 9pm till bed its very lonely, thats when the bars tempt me... cause they do its sit home alone playing computer wile watching TV or go to the bar drink maybe find a lady.
With 40 people in the room I will say lonely and finding someone a few times and the odds overwhelmingly predict if I share first several people in the room will be contemplating what they are going to say including "You have to love yourself first".
But before I am done speaking I am going to say how stupid I think the knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response "you have to love yourself first" is including what I said in first post that the phrase what inventd by the mental health industry to shut down the topic of loneliness !!
Its really accusatory telling me I don't love myself. Bull! I am a cool dude! I like being a cool funny smart dude.
I am going to get a laugh out of the group. I am not unique in hating the 'you have to love yourself first' shut down the discussion of loneliness scam.
This is going to be fun! I love me for being so cool and fun.
Wow. And every night after nine PM you are miserable. Totally and completely miserable. You will figure all this out in your own time, but you are very, very wrong. You have to depend on "a lady" or a partner for your happiness. You aren't supposed to have to do that. You shouldn't 'have' to have that to be happy. You are ignorant, and a jerk.
Sounds like an excellent way to make other vulnerable attendees uncomfortable and put well meaning people on the defensive. Such a great way to set the room's tone. Whatever else you do, rehearse your nasty little self-serving diatribe beforehand. Your "explanation/justification" was a mess .
It's sad. He has no clue what he's talking about. No clue. But, he will figure it out one fine day.
Wow. And every night after nine PM you are miserable. Totally and completely miserable. You will figure all this out in your own time, but you are very, very wrong. You have to depend on "a lady" or a partner for your happiness. You aren't supposed to have to do that. You shouldn't 'have' to have that to be happy. You are ignorant, and a jerk.
We are supposed to do that. We are 'programmed' from the beginning to seek a partner.
There would not be 9 billion people on the planet if it was natural to be single. The unpleasant feeling of lonely serves a purpose, to motivate us to change the situation so the human race doesn't die out. Just like pain is there so we take our hand off a hot stove.
I have a sense that a big reason why platitudes such as the one you set before us are so infuriating, is that they feel invalidating. Like there you are, living your life, feeling your feels, IN your experience...and someone is essentially telling you not to feel what you feel, or that it could be a simple thing, to just not have your problem. As though you would not have simply stopped having the problem, had it been so easy as speaking a trite phrase.
Get that. Unfortunately I think some of us, when we're hearing someone's suffering...we wish we could bring ease or comfort. We wish that we could find the right words. But there are no right words. Other than, I dunno, possibly, "I hear you. And I care." That doesn't help, but maybe it could be a little more honest.
The thing about platitudes that is not quite so horrible, is that as we reach further places of growth, sometimes we can find meaning in them. I mean, "love yourself first"...it could mean different things to different people. It could be about doing the work to break free of self destructive behavior. It could be about understanding that other people cannot fix your problems for you, nor is any other person obligated to be a living, breathing solution to your loneliness or struggle. It could mean putting your wellbeing and safety ahead of a basic need to not be alone, and not enduring abuse from other people. It could mean anything. And I suspect that's why people say it even when they know it's trite and annoying.
But it does remind me a bit of a piece of dating advice (and social advice) that I often give to people, which is to try to pursue repeating, recurring events that are related to activities that they enjoy. Because if you go out with the intention of having an enjoyable time, interacting with others and doing a thing you love...then even if you don't meet a new friend or date, you will not have failed or lost or wasted your time. You're not pinning success on something that isn't really in your control, since we can't control other people. And treat the possibility of a promising connection as a nice side effect if it happens. Yet incidentally if you are doing something you love and you keep going to the same thing repeatedly, you may find yourself relaxed and comfortable, having a feeling of belonging where you are. A sense of relaxed and confident comfort with yourself and your surrounds does tend to open a person up to more social opportunities. And a mind that is full of criticism of the self CAN be closed to positive engagements with others. Self sabotage exists.
A thing can be kinda true, and also infuriating, all at once.
We are supposed to do that. We are 'programmed' from the beginning to seek a partner.
There would not be 9 billion people on the planet if it was natural to be single. The unpleasant feeling of lonely serves a purpose, to motivate us to change the situation so the human race doesn't die out. Just like pain is there so we take our hand off a hot stove.
No question about that, that is not the issue. The issue is 'when' are you ready to find a partner? So a guy is married 30 years, his wife ups and leaves him. He's lonely no doubt. But he is emotionally unavailable to anyone, he is miserable in his life. He needs to heal and learn to be content living alone, and happy in his skin. When the time is right, he will be a chick magnet and won't have to do anything. A genuinely content and happy person is the attractive one, the one everyone wants. A lonely person that is miserable has to do exactly what OP is doing and that is get up and go to a bar to find someone and feels a strong need to have to have someone, anyone to feel complete. Very sad and he will one day understand all of this (I hope) and he will be embarrassed that he acted this way.
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Sounds like an excellent way to make other vulnerable attendees uncomfortable and put well meaning people on the defensive. Such a great way to set the room's tone. Whatever else you do, rehearse your nasty little self-serving diatribe beforehand. Your "explanation/justification" was a mess 
.
