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Where did this knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response to someone complaining about being lonely come from?
Did they do some study and discover the sole source of loneliness in human beings results from not "loving yourself" ?
I think its just an easy cop out way for mental health people, counselors and therapists to shut down or divert the topic instead of addressing it. Especially in group therapy even other people in the group will parrot the self defeating accusatory "you have to love yourself first" before the counselor says anything.
Excuse me but what have I said or done that gives YOU the impression I DON'T love myself, Why do you think I need THAT advice?
I was nasty last time someone said that. Put them on the spot.
Where did this knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response to someone complaining about being lonely come from?
Did they do some study and discover the sole source of loneliness in human beings results from not "loving yourself" ?
I think its just an easy cop out way for mental health people, counselors and therapists to shut down or divert the topic instead of addressing it. Especially in group therapy even other people in the group will parrot the self defeating accusatory "you have to love yourself first" before the counselor says anything.
Excuse me but what have I said or done that gives YOU the impression I DON'T love myself, Why do you think I need THAT advice?
I was nasty last time someone said that. Put them on the spot.
Why be nasty? Or so reactionary to a stupid statement. Last time someone said that to me , years ago, I just laughed so hard and asked if they wanted to recheck their crystal ball for cracks.
I am going to have fun with this one at an AA meeting.
Those familiar with the format know you get to share without interruption so I am going to say how staying sober during the day is easy but at night 9pm till bed its very lonely, thats when the bars tempt me... cause they do its sit home alone playing computer wile watching TV or go to the bar drink maybe find a lady.
With 40 people in the room I will say lonely and finding someone a few times and the odds overwhelmingly predict if I share first several people in the room will be contemplating what they are going to say including "You have to love yourself first".
But before I am done speaking I am going to say how stupid I think the knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response "you have to love yourself first" is including what I said in first post that the phrase what inventd by the mental health industry to shut down the topic of loneliness !!
Its really accusatory telling me I don't love myself. Bull! I am a cool dude! I like being a cool funny smart dude.
I am going to get a laugh out of the group. I am not unique in hating the 'you have to love yourself first' shut down the discussion of loneliness scam.
This is going to be fun! I love me for being so cool and fun.
Sounds like an excellent way to make other vulnerable attendees uncomfortable and put well meaning people on the defensive. Such a great way to set the room's tone. Whatever else you do, rehearse your nasty little self-serving diatribe beforehand. Your "explanation/justification" was a mess .
I can see why that comment might irritate someone, as a kid, I used to always get "You need to smile more." And, yeah, pointing that out seemed like nonsense, but they were adults and I was a child. It stopped once I was an adult, or I would have stopped it, because as a child, I was shy, but I saw the light, and that ended.
I actually think that "you have to love yourself first" sounds like a stupid comment, and frankly, I don't really get it. Actually, I have always thought of "self love" being an issue when it comes to trying to have friends or relationships.
What about rather than having "fun" with it, you simply say in a calm and controlled voice, what you have an issue with, and just see what the response is? I would state it that way, and then go silent, and see where they take it.''
I have never been in your situation, but I have been at meetings of many kinds, and fed up. By remaining calm as I spoke, it just worked a lot better. If I spoke in anger, they would simply have written it off as my being angry, they would have been right, and that is why I disguised it the way I did.
Know that I have no idea what you face, but I can say if you can have a job, look for something with hours that cover those that you have the hardest time with. When I was single with a young child, it was easy to stay busy during the day, but the nights were long. I got a job 2nd shift, and that worked out great with my son in a nearby daycare until 11:00 PM. The shift was filled with people, mostly those that had no one at home waiting for them in the evening.
A lot of people are idiots, and sometimes they have a programmed response, when they have nothing else to say, or like me, I just try to figure out something that might help, even when no one has asked for help. It is what they and I do.
I hope you work this out. Be careful of anger though, as people do not take angry people seriously.
I am going to have fun with this one at an AA meeting.
Those familiar with the format know you get to share without interruption so I am going to say how staying sober during the day is easy but at night 9pm till bed its very lonely, thats when the bars tempt me... cause they do its sit home alone playing computer wile watching TV or go to the bar drink maybe find a lady.
With 40 people in the room I will say lonely and finding someone a few times and the odds overwhelmingly predict if I share first several people in the room will be contemplating what they are going to say including "You have to love yourself first".
But before I am done speaking I am going to say how stupid I think the knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response "you have to love yourself first" is including what I said in first post that the phrase what inventd by the mental health industry to shut down the topic of loneliness !!
Its really accusatory telling me I don't love myself. Bull! I am a cool dude! I like being a cool funny smart dude.
I am going to get a laugh out of the group. I am not unique in hating the 'you have to love yourself first' shut down the discussion of loneliness scam.
This is going to be fun! I love me for being so cool and fun.
Learning to love yourself is the whole point of recovery. It means being comfortable in your own skin, it means having a clear conscience where your actions match your values. It means being at peace with yourself. It means respecting your boundaries. It means being compassionate and forgiving with yourself when you make mistakes, especially the ones you made when you were drinking. It means forgiving yourself for the maladaptive ways of coping you picked up just to survive. It means letting your freak flag fly and knowing it doesn't need to be defended because you like it and that's good enough. It means saying "I am really glad I get to be me, how lucky".
If you have you, how could you ever be lonely? That's not to say you don't need outside companionship but if you don't have it it doesn't make you lonely.
"Cool dudes" don't go out of their way to antagonize others simply because they are frustrated. That's your cover for what you really think about yourself.
Learning to love yourself is the whole point of recovery. It means being comfortable in your own skin, it means having a clear conscience where your actions match your values. It means being at peace with yourself. It means respecting your boundaries. It means being compassionate and forgiving with yourself when you make mistakes, especially the ones you made when you were drinking. It means forgiving yourself for the maladaptive ways of coping you picked up just to survive. It means letting your freak flag fly and knowing it doesn't need to be defended because you like it and that's good enough. It means saying "I am really glad I get to be me, how lucky".
If you have you, how could you ever be lonely? That's not to say you don't need outside companionship but if you don't have it it doesn't make you lonely.
"Cool dudes" don't go out of their way to antagonize others simply because they are frustrated. That's your cover for what you really think about yourself.
You were doing just fine until you totally blew it with the 2nd paragraph. We are social creatures, so if we are alone, the vast majority of us will feel lonely.
And maybe the OP is just expressing his feelings instead of holding it in when someone else tells him how he should feel.
Actually, no one has ever said that to me, but of course I've heard that advice.
I think I have a clear picture of what self love is. It's about fully accepting yourself...at least that's how I define it.
For example, I forgive myself when I mess up...I say "Oh allthatglitters, what am I gonna do with you?" Of course, I express it in a tone of voice that encapsulates respect and kindness.
A favorite self love quote : "You have to choose yourself, even when others refuse to." ~ R. H. Sin
I am going to have fun with this one at an AA meeting.
Those familiar with the format know you get to share without interruption so I am going to say how staying sober during the day is easy but at night 9pm till bed its very lonely, thats when the bars tempt me... cause they do its sit home alone playing computer wile watching TV or go to the bar drink maybe find a lady.
With 40 people in the room I will say lonely and finding someone a few times and the odds overwhelmingly predict if I share first several people in the room will be contemplating what they are going to say including "You have to love yourself first".
But before I am done speaking I am going to say how stupid I think the knee jerk reaction generic one size fits all parrot response "you have to love yourself first" is including what I said in first post that the phrase what inventd by the mental health industry to shut down the topic of loneliness !!
Its really accusatory telling me I don't love myself. Bull! I am a cool dude! I like being a cool funny smart dude.
I am going to get a laugh out of the group. I am not unique in hating the 'you have to love yourself first' shut down the discussion of loneliness scam.
This is going to be fun! I love me for being so cool and fun.
You are in a group with people from many different backgrounds. They are just repeating what has been told to them, not necessarily giving you valuable advice. They are trying to make you feel better and are likely uncomfortable in their own lives so repeating stuff that has been said to them makes them feel better like they are helping.
You seem to have an axe to grind, and by "seems" I mean absolutely 100% affirmed. That said, you're right that some people use "you have to love yourself first" in a dismissive way if it's proposed as a status you have to attain before you can be in a relationship. It's neither necessary nor sufficient toward that end.
I think it's a type of just world fallacious reasoning.
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Sounds like an excellent way to make other vulnerable attendees uncomfortable and put well meaning people on the defensive. Such a great way to set the room's tone. Whatever else you do, rehearse your nasty little self-serving diatribe beforehand. Your "explanation/justification" was a mess 
.
