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Why can someone be so willing to isolate themselves from family and friends? It is a subtle yet steady form of manipulation and control. I have seen strong, confident, successful women succumb to this from their husbands. And some will remain in a marriage with this person.
The stereotype is always that’s it’s a woman who’s been abused who falls into these relationships not people who had healthy childhoods/father figures.
Though I do think if you had the latter you’re probably a little less susceptible to it then someone who’s had a history of abuse.
As far as getting angry around her about him I don’t do that like I’m doing here
I’ve mentioned a few times she should leave him one of them being the time I found out he hit her but I was doing it in a calm rational way I wasn’t ranting and raving about or anything
As far as why she didn’t call me she says a lot she doesn’t want to be a burden with emptying her problems to people. She also said she doesn’t want to seem like a victim
Lastly bringing up the fact that maybe he only hit her that one time which would mean it’s not a big deal( I would disagree)
But let’s hypothetically say he only hit her and my niece that one time a year or two ago.. Here’s what else he’s done:
Put a GPS tracker on her car to track her
Break multiple phones of hers
Probably trying to isolate her
So let’s say he hasn’t hit her since.. I think you’d agree even if that’s the case when you add it in with the things I mentioned it’s still a pretty abusive/dangerous relationship for her
Yeah even if he only hit her once combined with those other things you mentioned that sounds like an extremely dangerous situation.. Even the idea that if he only hit her once so maybe she’s happy is a weird thing to say. Some people have really low bars for a relationship.
Wow, I was going to reply but didn't really have to. You explained it all just perfectly right here.
I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. You hit everything right on target, but especially: The abuse is a gradual process, they don't show their true colors in the beginning, and they know how to act around those on the outside who usually have no idea how they behave in private.
I'm years divorced now, but what I remember about the "isolation" process, is that my husband found fault with absolutely everyone I was friends with, and every member of my family. It was such an ordeal just to invite my family over for a get together or holiday, because I would hear a big run down afterwards of absolutely everything each one did or said that he didn't like while they were there. "Why does you mother talk about herself all the time?" "Your brother kept looking in the refrigerator, what's his problem?", "Your sister's still dating that moron?" on and on. In an abusive relationship, you become very fixated on just "keeping the peace", especially if you have children in the home. And so, you will limit your contact with your family, and friends, because it's one of the abuser's "triggers".
This is accurate. My best friend just escaped an abusive relationship and she described her STBX like this; all he did was fault-find and nitpick when it came to her family and friends. I lost touch with her for months on end throughout their marriage because I was "flaky" and "a lesbian." (I'm straight by the way.)
Because they are manipulated. Also, they are threatened into silence. Sometimes the abuser threatens their children, and their parents if they say anything. They know from experience they will be beaten half to death. FEAR.
I would assume you could figure this out.
A former friend of mine was nearly murdered at least once by her abuser....She refused to leave because he was well-connected and wealthy, and terrified of all of his threats. He could afford to carry all of them out. The last time I saw her she was shuttling between his house and an apartment he kept for her, just to keep track of her.
Many women won't discuss this but they often escape with only their lives. The abuser always moves on to find another victim.
Last edited by SkyLark2019; 04-25-2023 at 08:48 AM..
This is accurate. My best friend just escaped an abusive relationship and she described her STBX like this; all he did was fault-find and nitpick when it came to her family and friends. I lost touch with her for months on end throughout their marriage because I was "flaky" and "a lesbian." (I'm straight by the way.)
Did she cut off contact with you because she started believing his lies about you or did she cut off contact with you out of fear of what he might do if she contacted you?
This is accurate. My best friend just escaped an abusive relationship and she described her STBX like this; all he did was fault-find and nitpick when it came to her family and friends. I lost touch with her for months on end throughout their marriage because I was "flaky" and "a lesbian." (I'm straight by the way.)
She might have distanced herself from you to save your life- domestic abusers will threaten to kill anyone trying to help a victim. I don't want to go into great detail on how I know this to be the truth.
At a point the victim rationalizes that she had already "caused enough trouble" by existing (that is how bad it gets, where the victim feels like an object) so she lives as if already to dead to minimize the harm happening because of her situation.
She might have distanced herself from you to save your life- domestic abusers will threaten to kill anyone trying to help a victim. I don't want to go into great detail on how I know this to be the truth.
At a point the victim rationalizes that she had already "caused enough trouble" by existing (that is how bad it gets, where the victim feels like an object) so she lives as if already to dead to minimize the harm happening because of her situation.
Damn that’s crazy
Maybe I should lay low then myself in trying to reach my sister
You see and hear alot that in abusive relationships the abuser will isolate the person hes abusing from friends and sometimes family.
I always wonder how in the world the abuser convinces the person they’re abusing to agree to this?
Even in a non abusive relationship it’s a crazy thing to bring up to someone and have them agree to it but how does someone who’s being abused/mistreated agree to isolating themselves from people they love while deciding to only be around the person who’s abusing them?
Abusers gain control incrementally through manipulation and intimidation.
Control is their chief motivating drive. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. Attachment and bonding set in, which are then leveraged to exert control through gaslighting, denigration, demeaning, contempt, and threats ( if not outright physical force and assault) - all interwoven with flattery, lovebombing, crocodile tears, promises to change, tugging at pity heart strings, and grand gestures of generosity.
Abusers gain control incrementally through manipulation and intimidation.
Control is their chief motivating drive. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. Attachment and bonding set in, which are then leveraged to exert control through gaslighting, denigration, demeaning, contempt, and threats ( if not outright physical force and assault) - all interwoven with flattery, lovebombing, crocodile tears, promises to change, tugging at pity heart strings, and grand gestures of generosity.
It’s as old a playbook as humanity itself.
Yup! And it begins slowly. Just picture at dinner on a second date:
You: I think I'll have the Chicken Fettucini.
Him: Chicken? Oh, no, no, no. The Steak au Poivre is a much better selection. Uh, waiter...we'll have two Steak au Poivre.
Or, if you resist, he'll find a way to subtly, or even directly put down your choice. ("I think chicken is a disgusting animal, and I wouldn't even want to kiss anyone after they've eaten chicken!")
On the other hand, if he says:
Him: I'll have the Steak au Poivre.
You: That sounds good. I'll have the same.
He's thinking that he wanted you to have the Steak; not necessarily that you wanted it.
I read a saying a long time ago that aptly applies to abusers: "Man tends to destroy that which he cannot control."
An abuser sets out to destroy his victim's confidence in themselves and love toward others.
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