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Sorry for the vague title. Also, thought about where else to post this and decided here.
I'm in my early 50s. Male, married, kids, career etc.
In the last 6 months I've experienced something I can't quite process. I kinda wanted to chalk it up to COVID-era BS but that doesn't ring true completely. Some of you may say 'depression' but it doesn't feel or present like that. The changes? In a nutshell:
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
2. I have some unshakable regret and resentment about other ways in which I spent a lot of my leisure time and feel this intense aversion to doing any more of it. Like what we did on holiday vacations, long weekends, etc.
3. I really feel this sort of benign selfishness about what I want to do for the near future and don't feel like being too flexible about it anymore.
OK so I really don't want to sound like the angry old-ish white guy because it's not how I feel. Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3.
Obviously regret and resentment aren't great things to carry around. I'm not a pessimist though..I just have this desire to want to do what I want to do from this point forward hahaha. Is this really what a midlife crisis is, lol?
I don't know if it's a mid-life crisis...but I sure get it.
When I was in my late 50's, I had a 'friend' who was actually closer to my mom, than me...but she was between my age and my mom's age...so she was 'our' friend.
Well, this friend had a tendency to do 'not nice' things to me over the years. Lots of little things to publicly embarass me, and I would let it go. Then one day, she said something rude to me on my Facebook page for everyone to see...and that was it. I unfriended her and cut her out of my life. I had just hit that wall...that point of "When I'm done, I'm done." She's reached out a couple of times, but I avoid her.
I used to tolerate her because she was a friend of the family, and more importantly, my mom...but I asked my mom how awkward would it be for HER, if I cut ties with this person, and my mom was OK with it.
And as I've gotten older, it's gotten easier and easier to say 'no' and not feel bad about it. lol
Sorry for the vague title. Also, thought about where else to post this and decided here.
I'm in my early 50s. Male, married, kids, career etc.
In the last 6 months I've experienced something I can't quite process. I kinda wanted to chalk it up to COVID-era BS but that doesn't ring true completely. Some of you may say 'depression' but it doesn't feel or present like that. The changes? In a nutshell:
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
2. I have some unshakable regret and resentment about other ways in which I spent a lot of my leisure time and feel this intense aversion to doing any more of it. Like what we did on holiday vacations, long weekends, etc.
3. I really feel this sort of benign selfishness about what I want to do for the near future and don't feel like being too flexible about it anymore.
OK so I really don't want to sound like the angry old-ish white guy because it's not how I feel. Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3.
Obviously regret and resentment aren't great things to carry around. I'm not a pessimist though..I just have this desire to want to do what I want to do from this point forward hahaha. Is this really what a midlife crisis is, lol?
It does sound like some of it may be Covid phobia. When you avoid people for a year, year and a half, its hard to get back in the mode. When we had someone over for dinner the first time post Covid, my wife said afterwards, "it really felt strange that woman hugging me." And my wife is a hugger. I have always had a larger than average personal space and I sense invasion of my space more than I have since I was in my early 20s. You got out of the routine of doing things with those people and now you are asking yourself why you did in the first place. The effects of that time of separation will be felt for a long, long time.
But then again, maybe you've got high blood pressure and are just getting old and cranky!
Sorry for the vague title. Also, thought about where else to post this and decided here.
I'm in my early 50s. Male, married, kids, career etc.
In the last 6 months I've experienced something I can't quite process. I kinda wanted to chalk it up to COVID-era BS but that doesn't ring true completely. Some of you may say 'depression' but it doesn't feel or present like that. The changes? In a nutshell:
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
2. I have some unshakable regret and resentment about other ways in which I spent a lot of my leisure time and feel this intense aversion to doing any more of it. Like what we did on holiday vacations, long weekends, etc.
3. I really feel this sort of benign selfishness about what I want to do for the near future and don't feel like being too flexible about it anymore.
OK so I really don't want to sound like the angry old-ish white guy because it's not how I feel. Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3.
Obviously regret and resentment aren't great things to carry around. I'm not a pessimist though..I just have this desire to want to do what I want to do from this point forward hahaha. Is this really what a midlife crisis is, lol?
Well, ya know, OP....the bolded is what you should have been doing all along. Your choices should have been in the realm of 60-80% doing the things you like, hanging w/the people you like, and a minority percent of doing what you had to do to get along with your wife's friends, demands at work, and other things one has to compromise on now and then.
What you're experiencing now is the "life is too short for this" phenom. You've hit the age where you realize, you want to spend what time you have left on this Earth (that could be 2 more days, 2 more years, or 40 years. There's no way to know) doing things that you enjoy. This is not a crime. It's ok to want that. It's ok to actually DO that, make a choice to allocate more time to what you like to do, and politely decline invitations to hang out with dudes who aren't even your friends, they're just the guys who are married to your wife's friends, lol.
There will also be occasions, when you need to attend an event for your kids. You can make that sacrifice for your kids, but it doesn't make sense to sacrifice your "me" time for some dudes you don't even like.
Talk to your wife about it, and suggest she see her gf's on her own, just the "girls", and leave the guys out of it, because you're not going to attend the cozy couple events anymore. Explain to her how you feel about it. Ask for her support and cooperation.
It's ok to do that. It's not an unreasonable request. Life is to be enjoyed.
R4T hit the gist of it. You said "Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3." That's a pretty strong indicator that much of what you were doing/who you were with were really more your wife's friends than yours. When you hang out with those who you connect with, it brings the difference into contrast even more.
Over the last few years all the actual friends I had, not just acquaintances, but those who I had things in common with and could talk to have all retired and moved away. My wife still has all her friends and doesn't understand why I'm ready to move somewhere else like my friends did.
I agree with above, that it is normal, that life changes, and the older you get the more you think about what you want. It tok me longer than you to realize all this.
I also agree to talk to your wife about this, serious talk about what's going on with you.
Sorry for the vague title. Also, thought about where else to post this and decided here.
I'm in my early 50s. Male, married, kids, career etc.
In the last 6 months I've experienced something I can't quite process. I kinda wanted to chalk it up to COVID-era BS but that doesn't ring true completely. Some of you may say 'depression' but it doesn't feel or present like that. The changes? In a nutshell:
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
2. I have some unshakable regret and resentment about other ways in which I spent a lot of my leisure time and feel this intense aversion to doing any more of it. Like what we did on holiday vacations, long weekends, etc.
3. I really feel this sort of benign selfishness about what I want to do for the near future and don't feel like being too flexible about it anymore.
OK so I really don't want to sound like the angry old-ish white guy because it's not how I feel. Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3.
Obviously regret and resentment aren't great things to carry around. I'm not a pessimist though..I just have this desire to want to do what I want to do from this point forward hahaha. Is this really what a midlife crisis is, lol?
Honestly, you are in a great place where personal growth therapy could provide guidance in where you want to be going forward.
What you are describing is a shift from being a "pleaser" to recognizing and honoring self. When someone with a history of trying to please others gets to that stage there is bound to be conflict, and there can be over-reactions on all sides. Personal and couples therapy can ease the shift and create grounding. (By "pleaser" I do not mean milktoast or weak willed. Pleasers can have various strategies that shield them in some ways.)
Regret and resentment only serve to guide. Once you get to a point where you understand the toxic nature of those emotions otherwise, they will recede.
Like it or not, you are soon going to be in the thick of it with power issues. If you have been able to avoid them in the past, there may be a flood of them that seem to be relentless in testing you.
Sorry for the vague title. Also, thought about where else to post this and decided here.
I'm in my early 50s. Male, married, kids, career etc.
In the last 6 months I've experienced something I can't quite process. I kinda wanted to chalk it up to COVID-era BS but that doesn't ring true completely. Some of you may say 'depression' but it doesn't feel or present like that. The changes? In a nutshell:
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
2. I have some unshakable regret and resentment about other ways in which I spent a lot of my leisure time and feel this intense aversion to doing any more of it. Like what we did on holiday vacations, long weekends, etc.
3. I really feel this sort of benign selfishness about what I want to do for the near future and don't feel like being too flexible about it anymore.
OK so I really don't want to sound like the angry old-ish white guy because it's not how I feel. Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3.
Obviously regret and resentment aren't great things to carry around. I'm not a pessimist though..I just have this desire to want to do what I want to do from this point forward hahaha. Is this really what a midlife crisis is, lol?
Give up all hope in changing the past. Look to your children for purpose, you'll find a lifetime of love, affection and having it returned x100. Be man that leaves footprints and legacy - . It in your families best interest for you to be in good physical and mental condition - Support yourself
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies so far, appreciate them. A couple responses (I'm too lazy to multi-quote LOL).
It's funny, I would never have said my life was unenjoyable a few years back, nor did I feel such visceral disinterest in certain friends. We had/have a super active social life and really mix it up with family, friends, kids, etc. I enjoyed most of it. So to have this sudden shift is understandably a bit concerning. Well, not concerning per se, but noteworthy due to its suddenness and depth.
We weren't hyper vigilant about COVID-era social events after several months but I do agree that the general state of disconnection for an extended period probably led to a natural 'reset button.'
If you have alternative choices that is great, some people only have people they aren't wild about in their circles.
Do you regret it because you think of it as a waste of time when you could have been doing something else with someone else? It sounds like this came upon you as quite a strong feeling. Maybe there's more to it?
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