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I've been friends with "Stan" for close to 20 years, and in recent years I've come to the conclusion that he's never really learned to enjoy life, at least not the way most people do. This is not something I'm looking to "fix," I'm just trying to understand what might cause a person to be this way.
For starters, I've never known him to have any "fun" hobbies that are common to most people. He doesn't travel, read for enjoyment, listen to music, watch TV/movies, watch sports, play games, etc. If he's not working, then he's exercising, reading for education, or working on complex computer programs. I get the impression that he engages in most of his free-time activities more because he feels obligated to be constantly improving, rather than because they make him happy. And while there's nothing wrong with any of this, it's rare that he seems to get much enjoyment out of it.
Stan also has a fanatical devotion to working, despite not liking his job very much. He only takes time off when necessary and sometimes feels guilty about taking any more. Or he'll take a day off to attend an all-day conference that he'll later describe as incredibly boring. It took us years to convince him that when he retires, he will not be obligated to find another job.
We've explained to him repeatedly that retirement should be devoted to doing the things you enjoy that you never had time for, and to start thinking now of what those things might be. His plan for retirement now? He wants to get a Master's Degree in computers. I don't get it. "I'm finally free of the daily grind of going work every day, now I want to take some intensely hard all-consuming classes for the next five years." While I applaud any retiree who wishes to keep learning, there are far less-stressful ways to do so, but Stan always gravitates toward the hardest approach.
Again, I'm not looking to change this guy, because it can't be done. I just wonder a lot about how somebody can have so little desire to have any fun. His lifestyle is certainly his own choice and he's welcome to it, but it makes him incredibly unique among the many people I've known over the years.
Maybe Stan has never picked up any hobbies that he truly enjoys. Is Stan married? Has he ever loved? It seems there are people who immerse themselves in work, studies, etc., as a method of avoidance. What they are avoiding is a general emptiness in areas of their life that are usually filled with joy and fulfillment. I don't know Stan, and maybe that has nothing to do with him. But I know people who are like this.
For starters, I've never known him to have any "fun" hobbies that are common to most people. He doesn't travel, read for enjoyment, listen to music, watch TV/movies, watch sports, play games, etc. If he's not working, then he's exercising, reading for education, or working on complex computer programs. I get the impression that he engages in most of his free-time activities more because he feels obligated to be constantly improving, rather than because they make him happy. And while there's nothing wrong with any of this, it's rare that he seems to get much enjoyment out of it.
How do you know he isn't enjoying activities that are productive and that lead to self-improvement?
Some people simply don't like watching TV or sports or playing video games. It's not their thing.
While I completely respect and admire Stan's commitment to life-long learning and improvement I do understand and think it needs to have a healthy balance with other less 'weighty' pastimes.
I'll give an out-of-the-box guess...maybe he's embarrassed a bit by his enjoyment of these heady things so the whole "not enjoying it" thing might be an act? There are things I enjoy that i keep to myself because I've had the experience of people soft judging me because the things didn't fit a traditional definition of fun.
I'd say it started in Stan's childhood. He probably came from a family or had parents who had the, "all work & no play" type mentality & raised him to always be doing something constructive or to continuously learn something even AFTER he's done w/ his school work, etc. They probably said, "it's not about the enjoyment of it...it's the fact that you'll be more wise".
His parents probably never took him anywhere fun (amusement parks, beach, birthday parties, etc.). It was just a boring family life altogether where everyone just read for knowledge & if they watched any TV, it was educational/documentary type stuff.
You do realize people have different personalities, sensibilities, interests, and values, right?
There are interesting personality systems that explain different types of personalities.
It sounds like you might be more extraverted, sensation seeking, groupie type of person and maybe he's more introverted, thoughtful, serious by nature.
Yikes I hope I don’t have friends who come to sites like this and have everyone try to psychoanalyze or presume things about my childhood and that my version of fun isn’t healthy etc
Stan has hobbies that he enjoys just fine. Exercising, reading, coding. He probably wonders why you find X,Y,Z fun.
That is what I'm thinking too. The friend is perfectly happy immersing himself in what he does and for him, he enjoys it.
The OP reminds me of an ex best friend who criticized me for not doing more than i enjoy doing. And judging me and expecting me to do what "he" thinks is fun and enjoyable. Thats so annoying.
The OP's friend is immersed in more things than me, my fave thing is embroidery. I can spend hours doing it. I love it. I should be going outside more as the weather is warmer, and i will, but some days i ignore going outside and spend indoors doing stitching.
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