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I am here more to vent than anything else. I would like some thoughts if the behaviors I am describing have any classification or name put to them.
We are both in our 60s and retired. Married 30+ years.
The past couple of years I have noticed a steady uptick in behavior changes:
-Wife (W) absolutely has to be right, partially right, or at the very least not wrong on just about everything even the most mundane things in life. She is compelled to contribute some input.
Examples:
W makes an insensitive comment to a mother of a 20 something special needs daughter who was standing right there. The mom clearly heard this before and had a polite but firm response that contradicted W’s statement. W broadens her position. Mom again has heard this before and again contradicts W. W continues to dilute her statement until it is so broad the mom finally agrees and the conversation ends.
I speak some Spanish in limited situations and it drives her bonkers. One time on a tour bus I was helping the driver with directions from google. W kept interrupting wanting me to ask him things that had nothing to do with getting us to our destination. Another time a pizza delivery driver stopped asking for directions to an address in Spanish. I was a short distance away but could hear them. I told my wife I was coming to see if I could help but buy the time I got there she had waved the driver off-without helping.
-W will answer questions not directed to her, sometimes in inappropriate scenarios. If someone asks me a question or vice versa and W knows the answer (or thinks she knows) she will answer. She does this to others. If she absolutely doesn’t know she will repeat the answer given.
Examples:
We are at long time friends for dinner. Their son is in the police academy and a mutual friend is a cop and is helping him study. Cop asks son a question he doesn’t know. W starts giving hints. His dad loudly calls W in a tone indicating her comment was out of place. The W AGAIN gives a hint and AGAIN dad even louder calls her out. The get into a brief argument over this.
Touring a friend’s house that we had never been to before:
Me: What year was the house built?
Friend: 1985
W: 1985
At the shop with a check engine light on:
Tech: All fixed,
Me: The light is still on.
Tech: It will go out.
W: It will go out.
-She has to contradict me on just about everything. It is like a reflex. No matter how benign it is she must put her “touch” on the outcome.
Examples:
I can never pick a suitable parking spot-ever. She always points out a better spot.
I also can’t choose the shopping cart. I’ll pick one and she will swap it because of some imaginary defect.
If going to a location with two routes roughly equal I may ask should I take road A or B. She replies I don’t care. The second I turn on road A she will state she would have taken road B.
My favorite: She admits she doesn’t like GPS because she doesn’t like being told what to do. We will be in an unfamiliar place. She will input the address. As soon as the route pops up she will question it even though she has never been in this area in her life-she wants to modify it. She won’t press start. She will zoom the screen and manually give me directions following the blue line. She will get distracted and look away missing a turn. Then I will have to make a U turn or sometimes pull over and get reoriented depending how far off course we are. She still won’t press start.
Couples therapy seems like a possibility for the two of you. There are any number of possibilities as to the why, but if it is affecting the two of you negatively, finding out the dynamics and ways forward makes sense.
I’d say if the behaviour is fairly new and its getting worse it’s time to discuss this with her and push for a visit to a doctor or neurologist. Have you told her you’ve noticed a personality change and you’re concerned for her and how it’s affecting relationships.Until then you may need to set some boundaries, for example if you need a gps set up you do it and stop asking her to do it or which way to go. Or you print out directions so you don’t rely on gps. Stop arguing back or expect her not to behave this way .
How long have you been retired? Is it possible that you are spending alot more time with her and this really isn’t new behavior but you are much more exposed to her so noticing it more?
Or, if its new behavior it be cognitive decline. And you both need to see a physician together.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this behavior in her. It sounds very difficult for you.
How long have you been retired? Is it possible that you are spending alot more time with her and this really isn’t new behavior but you are much more exposed to her so noticing it more?
Or, if its new behavior it be cognitive decline. And you both need to see a physician together.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this behavior in her. It sounds very difficult for you.
I have to agree with this. My husband has been retired for 8 years and I just recently retired. It's been a struggle because every single thing I do, there seems to be an issue. The wash, the dishes, opening a window, digging a hole for a plant....there are questions as to why I do it a certain way, his way makes more sense, it's been hard dealing with it. He's always been a bit OCD, but now that I'm home during the day, I notice it more, and it does drive me nuts. I find activities to do on my own during the day. We have conversations when it gets really annoying, and he has gotten better about it. I know talking about it really helped us. Good luck, I really hope this gets better for you.
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