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In the later case, they simply focus on what they want in life instead of fixate on the notion that romantic love is a must.
I think calling one’s self an aromantic is fixating on the point it’s not a must. One can (and should) focus on what they want in life independent of any romantic relationship anyway.
I think calling one’s self an aromantic is fixating on the point it’s not a must. One can (and should) focus on what they want in life independent of any romantic relationship anyway.
Like I said before, I'm too focused on death and dying, and finding out life's meaning, to be worried about romance. Last thing on my mind.
However, to answer your (bizarre) point, no; SF doesn’t have anything to do with my question, lol.
San Francisco has long been famed for supposedly always being the most liberal city in the US, and also the summer of love in 1967, so I had to wonder if that’s the reason you’d dismiss the existence of a aromanticism.
Honestly, I don't pretend to actually understand what it means to be aromantic and for all I know it might be complete nonsense. That said lot's of people sincerely believe in things I think are complete nonsense, ie most religious beliefs, psychic stuff etc. But if someone wants to believe in something and it really doesn't hurt me, even if it is nonsense really what do I care? People are allowed to have screwed up ideas about the world. It's not my job to fix them nor change their minds.
If someone doesn't want to date me, the specific reason really doesn't matter, I just know I need to date someone else. There are plenty of other people to date. To spare feelings I have told white lies to guys I wasn't interested in. Even if this is a white lie, that's fine.
Honestly, I don't pretend to actually understand what it means to be aromantic and for all I know it might be complete nonsense. That said lot's of people sincerely believe in things I think are complete nonsense, ie most religious beliefs, psychic stuff etc. But if someone wants to believe in something and it really doesn't hurt me, even if it is nonsense really what do I care? People are allowed to have screwed up ideas about the world. It's not my job to fix them nor change their minds.
If someone doesn't want to date me, the specific reason really doesn't matter, I just know I need to date someone else. There are plenty of other people to date. To spare feelings I have told white lies to guys I wasn't interested in. Even if this is a white lie, that's fine.
It's part of "split theory." Which is an attempt to unpack a lot of ideas that have caused people some tension or confusion when they were previously bundled together. It just splits out various factors that make up a person's identity (usually as it pertains to sex, gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, and relationship style)... So like, a drag queen isn't a trans person. They have a character they play that has a different gender expression, but have no desire to change the gender they were assigned at birth necessarily. And they may be gay or straight or bi or whatever. On top of that, they may be monogamous or non-monogamous of some sort.
This breaks down sexual orientation somewhat. The sexual side and the romantic side of it. And there's more to it, as well, than "romantic" and "aromantic."
I know a young man who only likes to have sex with women and only likes to have romantic relationships (which are non-sexual) with other men. He lives with a man, they have a non-sexual but romantic loving relationship that involves some power dynamics and things they've negotiated. It makes them both happy. But he enjoys the occasional strictly sexual hookup with a woman. But he is part of a lifestyle community that gives him opportunities to do that without having to "play" random women from dating apps. The women he has sex with know that it isn't going to become a relationship.
He is homoromantic and heterosexual. By his own definition.
Does he expect other people around him to know that? They don't need to. Not unless they are trying to become one of his partners, anyways.
The thing about all this split theory that I think "normal people" need to relax about...is that people don't really need you to memorize all of this and know it about everybody. There was this model where long ago we needed to know without asking and immediately, is this human stranger a man or woman, and are they single or taken, and that informs if I try to have sex with them or not. Full stop. Then we started recognizing that gay people were not some rare anomaly as more "came out of the closet" then THAT was a thing that people would just know about others sometimes. Either because they were overt in expression of it, or because they told you. Still pertains to the question of, "is this a human I should attempt to have sex with?"
Now, I think, all that's being asked is to let go the need to make a snap assumption and try to jump somebody's bones without even talking to them first. Which I don't think is completely bonkers? Expecting people to at least have a bit of conversation before feeling entitlement to sexual pursuit and sexual results? So then if you're chatting somebody up, I guarantee if they use one of these newfangled words to describe their identity, anyone can feel free to respond with something like, "Cool, would you mind explaining a little what that word means in the context of your identity? I want to make sure I understand." Like I even hesitate to call myself a feminist despite agreeing with many of them about many things, because the word means a lot of different things to different people. I ASSUME I will need to explain anyways, so I just do that instead of using the label word.
And personally I think that this is the problem with the labels. One would hope they help us say, "this is the way I am, it works for me, you don't get to tell me not to be this way." To assist in understanding. But what ends up happening is that we've got to explain things anyhow, and then once one puts the label on, a lot of "normal folks" figure that means they get to hold you to it for life, to put you in a box you aren't allowed out of. Which was never the point, either. So I dunno, I think personally I prefer to leave the labels out of it and if I feel like I need/want someone to understand my deal, I'll just explain it.
Of course...never let it be said that I would use one word when several paragraphs will suffice. There's a label I will accept lol..."verbose."
It's part of "split theory." Which is an attempt to unpack a lot of ideas that have caused people some tension or confusion when they were previously bundled together. It just splits out various factors that make up a person's identity (usually as it pertains to sex, gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, and relationship style)... So like, a drag queen isn't a trans person. They have a character they play that has a different gender expression, but have no desire to change the gender they were assigned at birth necessarily. And they may be gay or straight or bi or whatever. On top of that, they may be monogamous or non-monogamous of some sort.
This breaks down sexual orientation somewhat. The sexual side and the romantic side of it. And there's more to it, as well, than "romantic" and "aromantic."
I know a young man who only likes to have sex with women and only likes to have romantic relationships (which are non-sexual) with other men. He lives with a man, they have a non-sexual but romantic loving relationship that involves some power dynamics and things they've negotiated. It makes them both happy. But he enjoys the occasional strictly sexual hookup with a woman. But he is part of a lifestyle community that gives him opportunities to do that without having to "play" random women from dating apps. The women he has sex with know that it isn't going to become a relationship.
He is homoromantic and heterosexual. By his own definition.
Does he expect other people around him to know that? They don't need to. Not unless they are trying to become one of his partners, anyways.
The thing about all this split theory that I think "normal people" need to relax about...is that people don't really need you to memorize all of this and know it about everybody. There was this model where long ago we needed to know without asking and immediately, is this human stranger a man or woman, and are they single or taken, and that informs if I try to have sex with them or not. Full stop. Then we started recognizing that gay people were not some rare anomaly as more "came out of the closet" then THAT was a thing that people would just know about others sometimes. Either because they were overt in expression of it, or because they told you. Still pertains to the question of, "is this a human I should attempt to have sex with?"
Now, I think, all that's being asked is to let go the need to make a snap assumption and try to jump somebody's bones without even talking to them first. Which I don't think is completely bonkers? Expecting people to at least have a bit of conversation before feeling entitlement to sexual pursuit and sexual results? So then if you're chatting somebody up, I guarantee if they use one of these newfangled words to describe their identity, anyone can feel free to respond with something like, "Cool, would you mind explaining a little what that word means in the context of your identity? I want to make sure I understand." Like I even hesitate to call myself a feminist despite agreeing with many of them about many things, because the word means a lot of different things to different people. I ASSUME I will need to explain anyways, so I just do that instead of using the label word.
And personally I think that this is the problem with the labels. One would hope they help us say, "this is the way I am, it works for me, you don't get to tell me not to be this way." To assist in understanding. But what ends up happening is that we've got to explain things anyhow, and then once one puts the label on, a lot of "normal folks" figure that means they get to hold you to it for life, to put you in a box you aren't allowed out of. Which was never the point, either. So I dunno, I think personally I prefer to leave the labels out of it and if I feel like I need/want someone to understand my deal, I'll just explain it.
Of course...never let it be said that I would use one word when several paragraphs will suffice. There's a label I will accept lol..."verbose."
That said lot's of people sincerely believe in things I think are complete nonsense, ie most religious beliefs, psychic stuff etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Damnitjanet
People are allowed to have screwed up ideas about the world. It's not my job to fix them nor change their minds.
I agree, but folks are also allowed to think the concept as being ‘screwed-up’ without others feeling it’s their job to change our minds as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Damnitjanet
Honestly, I don't pretend to actually understand what it means to be aromantic and for all I know it might be complete nonsense.
That said, isn’t a thread the place to ask questions if we don’t understand it and/or give our opinion? Folks are going to disagree; it is what it is, but the entire point is opinion/discussion - no?
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
I am not suffering because I am not in a romantic relationship. I have no desire for it. Never did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
Like I said before, I'm too focused on death and dying, and finding out life's meaning, to be worried about romance. Last thing on my mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
Life is really about preparing for death. There is not much time.
It isn’t clear; are you an ‘aromantic’ (and you’re expressing reasons why)? I assumed, by definition, an aromantic doesn’t choose to be so, per a psychology forum; they simply can’t/don’t experience romantic attraction/feelings (as opposed to not having time for it or whatnot).
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, but thanks for taking the time to make it .
