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Why wouldn’t you show him or express what you like? If one isn’t willing to communicate about sex or invest in mutual satisfaction, is it any wonder some folks are bored?
I feel like sex is a taboo word in my house. It is never discussed, planned, hinted about, or anything at all. It usually happens when one of us just needs the release. I believe I have one of the worst sex lives imaginable, but thats just how we operate. I agree with you about communication, but at this point it almost doesnt even interest me anymore, but I am ok with that. When it does happen though, its not boring per say, but just repetative...no new moves, same smells, tastes, limits, expectations, etc.. and I think if it happened more frequently is what could make it boring. Its kind of like why I like a different car every couple of years, no matter how nice it is, I get bored with it and need something new. For the few cars that I have kept much longer, they need to be rarely driven in order to keep me excited about them. Yes, I know I have a skewed perception of life, lol.
I feel like sex is a taboo word in my house. It is never discussed, planned, hinted about, or anything at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mustangman66
I believe I have one of the worst sex lives imaginable, but thats just how we operate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mustangman66
I agree with you about communication, but at this point it almost doesnt even interest me anymore, but I am ok with that.
That’s on you, just as much as it is on your partner. It’s not rocket science to conclude a lack of effort or interest equates to a boring sex life, if one exists at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mustangman66
It’s kind of like why I like a different car every couple of years, no matter how nice it is, I get bored with it and need something new. For the few cars that I have kept much longer, they need to be rarely driven in order to keep me excited about them. Yes, I know I have a skewed perception of life, lol.
It goes without saying your maturity level/psychological health is in question when you compare a relationship/sex to a car or possession. The benefits to a healthy relationship/sex life far exceed the ‘newness’ of a different partner every few years; wherever you go, there you are.
I feel like sex is a taboo word in my house. It is never discussed, planned, hinted about, or anything at all. It usually happens when one of us just needs the release. I believe I have one of the worst sex lives imaginable, but thats just how we operate. I agree with you about communication, but at this point it almost doesnt even interest me anymore, but I am ok with that. When it does happen though, its not boring per say, but just repetative...no new moves, same smells, tastes, limits, expectations, etc.. and I think if it happened more frequently is what could make it boring. Its kind of like why I like a different car every couple of years, no matter how nice it is, I get bored with it and need something new. For the few cars that I have kept much longer, they need to be rarely driven in order to keep me excited about them. Yes, I know I have a skewed perception of life, lol.
I don't know that I would call this a "skewed perception of life"...but I think that some people's minds crave novelty more than others. I mean, I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I definitely get how it feels to be just vaguely bored and restless and wanting...something. Compare it to a car, I can liken it to food, how many times a day do I realize I'm hungry and I want something, need to eat, but nothing sounds particularly good? Certainly nothing in my kitchen, and I can afford to buy whatever I want, but can't think of anything worth the bother that is presently available...? Yeah.
But cars, food, and whatever other thing you can see as analogous to sex...they don't have thoughts and feelings like a partner does. So not quite a perfect comparison to a whole other human being.
I feel very fortunate that my husband understands that sometimes I need something to tweak my BRAIN in order to get properly enthused and motivated in our bedroom activities. Not just little "spice up our sex life" stuff necessarily. I think that when my social needs are well met, it puts my head in a better place to seek and want sexual pleasure, and I can very well take the energy I get from interacting with people at a party or gathering, and carry that over to a generally positive mood and headspace for our private activities. For me, it doesn't have to be "sex with a new human"...I just get enough mental stimulation from meeting and talking to people I don't already know extremely well. There's just something about it for me. Extrovert thing, I guess. But I think it's worthwhile to note that my husband is by far the best match for me sexually, of many partners I've had in my life, so it isn't any lack of "good sex"...it's not so much a physical thing as a psychological thing, the restlessness and near-boredom with what is known and familiar. But there are other ways to handle it than having sex with a new partner, at least for me. And I'm happy about that, because I don't think that constantly seeking new sex partners is a sustainable solution...I mean, unless you're one of the latex fetish people (the lowest risk sexual activity I've ever seen, unless of course one is allergic to latex...), you are rolling the health dice repeatedly and sooner or later one is likely to see some consequences for that. It's nice to put the dice away and stop taking those chances.
So I guess I could say that feeling good in my head helps me to feel good in my body. How one goes about achieving that probably varies from one person to the next, but I suspect it's more of the picture than a lot of folks realize.
Of course in a lot of marriages, unfortunately, there's a lot of unspoken trouble with the health of the relationship, too. My first husband often behaved in ways that caused me stress and unhappiness, then didn't understand why I wasn't enthusiastic about sex with him. In books I've read...men tend to have "spontaneous desire" (so, they want sex) and women often have "reactive desire" (needing to want their partner, not just sex, and more reactive to whatever context is going on.) I am not likely to want sex with someone who has made me miserable all day, I guess my ex did not understand the connection between those things.
Which is worth mentioning, related to "just talk about it"...there are people in this world who aren't going to understand things from another person's perspective no matter how much you try to explain it to them. Certainly one can say that they are less-healthy partners in less-healthy relationships, but not everyone is fortunate in that regard, always. And if I were contemplating some study about people in long term relationships, I think it would be worthwhile to remember that the data would include a wide range in terms of relationship quality.
That’s on you, just as much as it is on your partner. It’s not rocket science to conclude a lack of effort or interest equates to a boring sex life, if one exists at all.
It goes without saying your maturity level/psychological health is in question when you compare a relationship/sex to a car or possession. The benefits to a healthy relationship/sex life far exceed the ‘newness’ of a different partner every few years; wherever you go, there you are.
Thank you for your opinion, but thats just the way I relate to things. I am probably not as mature as I should be when it comes to this topic though because I view sex and love as two separate things and as mentioned before, I have always found flings to be far more exciting. I dont have flings as a married man but as I grow older I have found I am a different person than I was 20 years ago and my desires and curiosities have certainly changed whereas my wifes have gone in the opposite direction. Again, I am ok with this; not trying to break up my marriage over it, its just the how we are and will probably always be. Others may not be ok with it, but to each their own.
I don't know that I would call this a "skewed perception of life"...but I think that some people's minds crave novelty more than others. I mean, I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I definitely get how it feels to be just vaguely bored and restless and wanting...something. Compare it to a car, I can liken it to food, how many times a day do I realize I'm hungry and I want something, need to eat, but nothing sounds particularly good? Certainly nothing in my kitchen, and I can afford to buy whatever I want, but can't think of anything worth the bother that is presently available...? Yeah.
But cars, food, and whatever other thing you can see as analogous to sex...they don't have thoughts and feelings like a partner does. So not quite a perfect comparison to a whole other human being.
I feel very fortunate that my husband understands that sometimes I need something to tweak my BRAIN in order to get properly enthused and motivated in our bedroom activities. Not just little "spice up our sex life" stuff necessarily. I think that when my social needs are well met, it puts my head in a better place to seek and want sexual pleasure, and I can very well take the energy I get from interacting with people at a party or gathering, and carry that over to a generally positive mood and headspace for our private activities. For me, it doesn't have to be "sex with a new human"...I just get enough mental stimulation from meeting and talking to people I don't already know extremely well. There's just something about it for me. Extrovert thing, I guess. But I think it's worthwhile to note that my husband is by far the best match for me sexually, of many partners I've had in my life, so it isn't any lack of "good sex"...it's not so much a physical thing as a psychological thing, the restlessness and near-boredom with what is known and familiar. But there are other ways to handle it than having sex with a new partner, at least for me. And I'm happy about that, because I don't think that constantly seeking new sex partners is a sustainable solution...I mean, unless you're one of the latex fetish people (the lowest risk sexual activity I've ever seen, unless of course one is allergic to latex...), you are rolling the health dice repeatedly and sooner or later one is likely to see some consequences for that. It's nice to put the dice away and stop taking those chances.
So I guess I could say that feeling good in my head helps me to feel good in my body. How one goes about achieving that probably varies from one person to the next, but I suspect it's more of the picture than a lot of folks realize.
Of course in a lot of marriages, unfortunately, there's a lot of unspoken trouble with the health of the relationship, too. My first husband often behaved in ways that caused me stress and unhappiness, then didn't understand why I wasn't enthusiastic about sex with him. In books I've read...men tend to have "spontaneous desire" (so, they want sex) and women often have "reactive desire" (needing to want their partner, not just sex, and more reactive to whatever context is going on.) I am not likely to want sex with someone who has made me miserable all day, I guess my ex did not understand the connection between those things.
Which is worth mentioning, related to "just talk about it"...there are people in this world who aren't going to understand things from another person's perspective no matter how much you try to explain it to them. Certainly one can say that they are less-healthy partners in less-healthy relationships, but not everyone is fortunate in that regard, always. And if I were contemplating some study about people in long term relationships, I think it would be worthwhile to remember that the data would include a wide range in terms of relationship quality.
In the past it was talked about but then would end in a one sided conversation and then ultimately caused tension and then mention that she didnt want to talk about it anymore. After that, I shut down and have not really mentioned it since then because its not worth it to me. Same reason why we never argue, if we disagree or she isnt happy, I just shut my mouth and walk away or simply agree with her in order to avoid argument. Times I have "argued", resulted in her crying, locking herself in the bedroom and saying that I was yelling at her when that was not the case at all. As far as sex, for a long time she didnt want it at all because she was not happy with her body. I told her when she finally is happy with her body I will be too old to even want it anymore, lol.
I do agree that a new partner all the time is not sustainable and thats not what I am looking for but the "youre getting married? Are you crazy, you will only be with one person the rest of your life" has become reality. When you are young and in love, you arent thinking that way and perhaps if I had married someone different this conversation would not be happening right now.
In the past it was talked about but then would end in a one sided conversation and then ultimately caused tension and then mention that she didnt want to talk about it anymore. After that, I shut down and have not really mentioned it since then because its not worth it to me. Same reason why we never argue, if we disagree or she isnt happy, I just shut my mouth and walk away or simply agree with her in order to avoid argument. Times I have "argued", resulted in her crying, locking herself in the bedroom and saying that I was yelling at her when that was not the case at all. As far as sex, for a long time she didnt want it at all because she was not happy with her body. I told her when she finally is happy with her body I will be too old to even want it anymore, lol.
I do agree that a new partner all the time is not sustainable and thats not what I am looking for but the "youre getting married? Are you crazy, you will only be with one person the rest of your life" has become reality. When you are young and in love, you arent thinking that way and perhaps if I had married someone different this conversation would not be happening right now.
Well, yeah. I think that you realize you've got some areas of less than great functionality in your marriage, but I also think that in life we weigh things and decide them in the balance, in context of all factors. So it's very easy for some stranger to say in a cold and detached manner that "well if you are not getting your needs met, then perhaps you and your wife are not compatible to be together" but I think you and I both know that it's not so simple.
Sometimes while knowing you've got some stuff you aren't happy about, you can still consider it in the bigger picture and decide that today, it's still better to stay. Maybe one day that changes, maybe it doesn't.
I'm sorry that she has not been willing or able to engage with you in a constructive way about all of this. It IS a challenging conversation. Especially with those we share emotional investment with. I've actually found it easier to discuss sexual subjects with strangers, than with someone I deeply care about. You make yourself very vulnerable in such conversations and that can feel threatening. I think that some people feel that unease and just...flee it.
As a woman, that may also be part of the difference between flings vs established relationships. I find it much easier to be...exposed?...sexually adventurous, with someone I don't care about. Because I never have to wonder, will they one day remember that time I said or did something and feel disgusted towards me? Who cares, we have no future! If my legs weren't shaved or I accidentally said something awkward or cringey, or any embarrassing thing you can imagine happens...who cares? Not me! At some point, I'll never have to talk to them again. Easy!
Whereas with my husband...I might have some point in time I feel like doing or trying something, but then I have to worry, if he isn't into it but he pretends he is, then that'll be in his head forever, and I have to see him tomorrow and the next day and every day perhaps until I die and... Thing is, he probably isn't judging me. The call is coming from inside the house. Every woman for instance, that I've ever known, is much more critical of her body than anyone else is. We are massively aware of every single imperfection. We assume that everyone who sees our flaws, focuses on them as much as we do, but it's projection.
They don't. But somehow, believing that can be the most impossible thing in the world.
And it sucks, you know, because it creates distance between us and the partners we care about the most.
Thank you for your opinion, but thats just the way I relate to things. I am probably not as mature as I should be when it comes to this topic though because I view sex and love as two separate things and as mentioned before, I have always found flings to be far more exciting.
I agree love and sex are two separate things. I’m simply stating as a man in my forties, there’s no advantage to keeping it separate i.e. we benefit the most when we combine them relative to a healthy, committed relationship.
There is an exponential health risk re: ‘flings’ as well as the fact, for the most part, neither is invested in the satisfaction of the other. A woman may be gorgeous on the outside but be a boring sexual partner, and most realize (with maturity) the grass isn’t any greener on the other side. In fact, more often than not, it’s often dying and in need of much water/maintenance, so-to-speak. No, thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mustangman66
I dont have flings as a married man but as I grow older I have found I am a different person than I was 20 years ago and my desires and curiosities have certainly changed whereas my wifes have gone in the opposite direction. Again, I am ok with this; not trying to break up my marriage over it, it’s just the how we are and will probably always be. Others may not be ok with it, but to each their own.
Since you are apparently resolved to stay in your marriage, why not work toward something better i.e. find ways to connect and improve your sex life. Regular, good sex is indicative of a healthy relationship and one’s overall health as well.
Well, yeah. I think that you realize you've got some areas of less than great functionality in your marriage, but I also think that in life we weigh things and decide them in the balance, in context of all factors. So it's very easy for some stranger to say in a cold and detached manner that "well if you are not getting your needs met, then perhaps you and your wife are not compatible to be together" but I think you and I both know that it's not so simple.
Sometimes while knowing you've got some stuff you aren't happy about, you can still consider it in the bigger picture and decide that today, it's still better to stay. Maybe one day that changes, maybe it doesn't.
I'm sorry that she has not been willing or able to engage with you in a constructive way about all of this. It IS a challenging conversation. Especially with those we share emotional investment with. I've actually found it easier to discuss sexual subjects with strangers, than with someone I deeply care about. You make yourself very vulnerable in such conversations and that can feel threatening. I think that some people feel that unease and just...flee it.
As a woman, that may also be part of the difference between flings vs established relationships. I find it much easier to be...exposed?...sexually adventurous, with someone I don't care about. Because I never have to wonder, will they one day remember that time I said or did something and feel disgusted towards me? Who cares, we have no future! If my legs weren't shaved or I accidentally said something awkward or cringey, or any embarrassing thing you can imagine happens...who cares? Not me! At some point, I'll never have to talk to them again. Easy!
Whereas with my husband...I might have some point in time I feel like doing or trying something, but then I have to worry, if he isn't into it but he pretends he is, then that'll be in his head forever, and I have to see him tomorrow and the next day and every day perhaps until I die and... Thing is, he probably isn't judging me. The call is coming from inside the house. Every woman for instance, that I've ever known, is much more critical of her body than anyone else is. We are massively aware of every single imperfection. We assume that everyone who sees our flaws, focuses on them as much as we do, but it's projection.
They don't. But somehow, believing that can be the most impossible thing in the world.
And it sucks, you know, because it creates distance between us and the partners we care about the most.
What I highlighted above is 100% how I feel.
To be fair, I believe that there are others out there that would be far more compatible with each of us but I think we just have too much history to call it quits even though it is less than great as you mentioned. I think I tend to give pretty good advice at times, but I tend to ignore my own advice a the same time because I often prefer to take the easier route.
LIke you, I find it much easier to talk to a stranger about these subjects. About a year ago a friend was visiting and we went out to the bar for a few drinks. I started talking to this one 30 something year old women and I think we had a more of a risque conversation in 1 hour than I have had with my wife in almost 20 years. It would have felt awkward to have with my wife, but it was very enjoyable with this stranger. I think part of that may stem from when I was in the military because once the guys knew you hooked up the prior night it was always storytime the next day for all.
I agree love and sex are two separate things. I’m simply stating as a man in my forties, there’s no advantage to keeping it separate i.e. we benefit the most when we combine them relative to a healthy, committed relationship.
There is an exponential health risk re: ‘flings’ as well as the fact, for the most part, neither is invested in the satisfaction of the other. A woman may be gorgeous on the outside but be a boring sexual partner, and most realize (with maturity) the grass isn’t any greener on the other side. In fact, more often than not, it’s often dying and in need of much water/maintenance, so-to-speak. No, thanks.
Since you are apparently resolved to stay in your marriage, why not work toward something better i.e. find ways to connect and improve your sex life. Regular, good sex is indicative of a healthy relationship and one’s overall health as well.
I am also a man in my 40's and for me sex used to be like a song that you cant get out of your head. But for close to a year now, that song has disappeared and I am content with what I have. Maybe once the kids move onto college things will change but as an example, since November I think its happened 2 time at the absolute most. We are both to blame.
I have to disagree, when it comes to sex, my main goal is to make sure I please my partner first because for me thats, the exciting part! Though I think a dirty mind is extremely attractive, long term Id be perfectly fine with a pretty face and a boring in bed.
Women generally have a lower sexual desire or libido because of age-related physiological, psychological, and social transition.
Although libido reduces gradually with age in both men and women, women are approximately three times more susceptible to such decline.
Contributing factors include ovariectomy or chemotherapy, which can bring on sudden reduction in libido. It's also true Women who stay positive about the aging process and maintain self-confidence can even experience an increased libido. In contrast, women who perceive aging signs as unattractive, poor body image, and loss of feminitiy often suffer from reduced sexual desire or drive.
Emotional intimacy and the lack there of, is what creates a wandering eye in many women. In addition women often keep a plan B or C or D on/in the periphery. It's quite common that women have multiple suitors or those interested in her, but it's not cheating because she clearly states she's in a relationship, there's no physical contact and no contact outside the social setting they both share. Maybe at the gym , yoga, work or even in church. These are men who would be willing partners if the primary relationship was to... fail.
As a side note... Funny how comedy reflects life.
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