Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-24-2024, 08:34 PM
Status: "I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out." (set 7 days ago)
 
35,630 posts, read 17,968,125 times
Reputation: 50652

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
That is a thing, yes, but the opposite of what the OP said.
No, actually, it's a direct response to the OP question. The OP asked is it really true that "misery loves company".

Some people thrive on being miserable and seeing others who are also miserable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-25-2024, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,584 posts, read 84,795,337 times
Reputation: 115110
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
No, actually, it's a direct response to the OP question. The OP asked is it really true that "misery loves company".

Some people thrive on being miserable and seeing others who are also miserable.
Ah, OK. That is true.

I was looking at the basic question.
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: https://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,391 posts, read 14,661,936 times
Reputation: 39472
I think that anyone can have moments of shaky self esteem, and if life has dealt you what seems like inordinate challenges in certain areas, seeing others appear to have it easy feels hurtful. The negative self talk that can follow like, "why do other people deserve this, but I do not?"

I don't hold it against anyone if they have moments of feeling like life or fate or humanity or people close to them are denying them something reasonable and for some reason others get that and seem entitled to it...and it hurts. An abused child deserved love and care, but didn't get it - they can't be expected to be happy about that.

The problem is when it turns (as a defensive reflex in the mind) into anger at those who do have it better. And it's common enough, as in the abused child example...often that individual may become a bully at school or grow up to abuse others.

Though fortunately a lot of people instead are able to heal and mature, outgrow their pain and set aside their anger, or at least see that it serves no one to take out your own problems on someone else. I think that a lot of it is connected to how able a person is to be emotionally honest with themselves.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 09:24 AM
 
5,655 posts, read 3,153,533 times
Reputation: 14383
There was a period in my life when I was a very unhappy person. I was going through a divorce, feeling like a failure, and oh so sad. I can't say I was resentful of other people's happiness...but it was painful at times.

I remember one time, sitting in church by myself, (my ex had the kids for the weekend), and I was observing the family sitting in front of me. The wife put her arm around the back of the pew and around the shoulders of her husband. She picked a bit of lint off of his suit. It was just one of those small, familiar things that loving people do in relationships...and I just couldn't deal. I had to get up and leave.

There were times where I snapped at my sister or tried to embarrass her in this same time frame...I was striking out, and my sweet sister was trying to be loving and supportive. I don't remember this, but she says there was one time I said something smart aleck and hateful about her kitchen. I don't remember this. I actually liked that kitchen...it was a country kitchen and had retained some of it's 1930's charm. So whatever it was I said, it was purely out of meanness I guess. I guess that's about as close to resentment as it gets...but it seems a little different.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 09:47 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,584 posts, read 84,795,337 times
Reputation: 115110
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB View Post
There was a period in my life when I was a very unhappy person. I was going through a divorce, feeling like a failure, and oh so sad. I can't say I was resentful of other people's happiness...but it was painful at times.

I remember one time, sitting in church by myself, (my ex had the kids for the weekend), and I was observing the family sitting in front of me. The wife put her arm around the back of the pew and around the shoulders of her husband. She picked a bit of lint off of his suit. It was just one of those small, familiar things that loving people do in relationships...and I just couldn't deal. I had to get up and leave.

There were times where I snapped at my sister or tried to embarrass her in this same time frame...I was striking out, and my sweet sister was trying to be loving and supportive. I don't remember this, but she says there was one time I said something smart aleck and hateful about her kitchen. I don't remember this. I actually liked that kitchen...it was a country kitchen and had retained some of it's 1930's charm. So whatever it was I said, it was purely out of meanness I guess. I guess that's about as close to resentment as it gets...but it seems a little different.
Thanks for being honest. I have had a few moments like that in my life, before I got a better handle on learning to make the changes I could and to stop comparing my life to others'.

My daughter's high school did as a fundraiser every year a St. Valentine's Day dance for the parents. Food, music, whatever.

I was at the school one day and was approached by a bright, smiley mother who was selling tickets for the event. I was a divorced Mom, no chances for dating, receiving no child support, working in the city, living paycheck to paycheck and surrounded by endless cheerful smiley moms who got to sit home, worry about nothing more than finding the right color drapes and get handed a fat wad of cash by their husbands on paydays, or so it seemed to me

I snapped in response, "What the F makes you think I'd want to attend a Valentine's Day party?", rolled my eyes, and walked away. At that time, it seemed like her innocent question was mocking me in my single state and my failure to attain the life that seemed to have come to everyone else with no effort. The poor woman barely knew me. All these years later I cringe at the memory of that response.
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: https://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 09:54 AM
 
Location: SF/Mill Valley
8,667 posts, read 3,868,982 times
Reputation: 6003
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelWing View Post
Why do people feel resentful when they see others happy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelWing View Post
However, believe it or not, there are envious people who seem unable to admire someone else's happiness.
Anyone who feels resentful or envious of others’ happiness isn’t happy themselves, particularly when they try to minimize, question or make it their business; else, it simply wouldn’t matter relative to their own state-of-mind.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Kansas
25,961 posts, read 22,120,062 times
Reputation: 26698
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelWing View Post
That's good to hear!

However, believe it or not, there are envious people who seem unable to admire someone else's happiness.
OK, you want people to admire you or someone else because of happiness. That kind of sounds like you want people to swoon over the happiness of someone, like the need for feedback of how lucky one is in their happiness.

So, I'm thinking the issue isn't that they are not happy for someone else, but that the person that is happy needs a feed saying they are lucky, and if that is so, it has me wondering more about the person that needs the feedback and admiration for their happiness than the one that isn't so much envious, but not finding happiness a reason to admire someone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelWing View Post
I'm not familiar with the word, but I do know some envious people take joy in seeing others experience setbacks and failures (divorce, losing a job, being thrown in jail), rather than just focusing on the happiness someone else is feeling.

Being happy for someone seems difficult for envious people who sometimes may lack compassion and kindness...IMHO.
Not sure why someone needs others to focus on their happiness. I think that is where someone is coming up short.

Someone is happy, so then I would be expected to focus on their happiness and admire them for it? Someone is happy, fine, and if it doesn't bring focus and admiration, that doesn't mean they are resentful or envious. Another possibility is that say someone gets engaged to someone you think is totally horrible and will make the person miserable, ah, maybe that is where the hesitation would exist.

I would say the person should not worry about others celebrating their happiness, and wonder why they need the focus and admiration.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 11:57 AM
 
528 posts, read 712,261 times
Reputation: 497
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelWing View Post
......especially when they see happy couples.

Is it really true 'misery loves company'?
Because it comes across as showing off. At least I was taught from a young age that nobody likes a show off. Also a lot of these so called "happy couples" have all sorts of drama going on behind the scenes. So not only are they showing off, they are being insincere too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,391 posts, read 14,661,936 times
Reputation: 39472
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
OK, you want people to admire you or someone else because of happiness. That kind of sounds like you want people to swoon over the happiness of someone, like the need for feedback of how lucky one is in their happiness.

So, I'm thinking the issue isn't that they are not happy for someone else, but that the person that is happy needs a feed saying they are lucky, and if that is so, it has me wondering more about the person that needs the feedback and admiration for their happiness than the one that isn't so much envious, but not finding happiness a reason to admire someone.



Not sure why someone needs others to focus on their happiness. I think that is where someone is coming up short.

Someone is happy, so then I would be expected to focus on their happiness and admire them for it? Someone is happy, fine, and if it doesn't bring focus and admiration, that doesn't mean they are resentful or envious. Another possibility is that say someone gets engaged to someone you think is totally horrible and will make the person miserable, ah, maybe that is where the hesitation would exist.

I would say the person should not worry about others celebrating their happiness, and wonder why they need the focus and admiration.
I don't see it as fishing for admiration. I certainly would hope that my loved ones shared good news and happy things with me, and I will be happy for them. But even if a stranger tells me some good news that's put the pep in their step, I am happy to hear it and to congratulate them. I don't narrow my eyes and wonder why they are fishing for some kind of reaction.

But then...I like people, and interacting with other people, and I don't mind other people interacting with me. I have no problem sharing in celebration of someone's wins, big or small. Though there is a limit as to how much I might prefer to commiserate with someone over their sorrows and setbacks, depending on the nature of our relationship.

I don't see anybody quite "swooning" though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by koctail View Post
Because it comes across as showing off. At least I was taught from a young age that nobody likes a show off. Also a lot of these so called "happy couples" have all sorts of drama going on behind the scenes. So not only are they showing off, they are being insincere too.
And I used to think this, too, back when I was in an abusive and unhappy marriage. But I'm not anymore, and I don't anymore.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-25-2024, 12:53 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,591 posts, read 47,670,343 times
Reputation: 48281
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelWing View Post

However, believe it or not, there are envious people who seem unable to admire someone else's happiness.
Do you really need to be admired, just because you are happy??
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top