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If someone is more trouble than they are worth, I'm happy to cut contact and not look back. If I see someone trying to better themselves, however, I don't have a problem maintaining a relationship with boundaries. If you've been known to use and abuse money and steal, no money from me (or I'll pay a bill directly to the lender if necessary). In a similar vein, if you're a kleptomaniac, you're not coming to my house and I'm guarding my belongings if I go to yours or we meet out and about somewhere. But, note, I'll only entertain engaging with someone if I see that they are making efforts to change. And I don't expect perfection overnight or even years later with people. But I'll also take precautions to not put myself into harmful situations if trying to help on one's journey to improve oneself.
Thank you to all who have replied so far. Although I probably won't respond to specific posts, I am very interested in and appreciative of all replies.
Thank you again, and thank you to all who will reply.
While not female, I was once that person; 30 years ago.
The answer to your question is yes, they can change.
However, one must become fed up with who they are first; and then generally make some more mistakes while pursuing a lengthy and concerted effort to renovate their core being. Without God in my life, I would have failed.
Transforming from self-centered loser to compassionate giver took me over a decade, so I would approach this with cautious optimism; due to her age.
Hope this helps.
While not female, I was once that person; 30 years ago.
The answer to your question is yes, they can change.
However, one must become fed up with who they are first; and then generally make some more mistakes while pursuing a lengthy and concerted effort to renovate their core being. Without God in my life, I would have failed.
Transforming from self-centered loser to compassionate giver took me over a decade, so I would approach this with cautious optimism; due to her age.
Hope this helps.
Wow. Good post. And congratulations on your successful effort!
While not female, I was once that person; 30 years ago.
The answer to your question is yes, they can change.
However, one must become fed up with who they are first; and then generally make some more mistakes while pursuing a lengthy and concerted effort to renovate their core being. Without God in my life, I would have failed.
Transforming from self-centered loser to compassionate giver took me over a decade, so I would approach this with cautious optimism; due to her age.
Hope this helps.
Good for you! Your life is better and people don't have to duck your calls.
Thanks everyone.
It's too late to edit initial post, so feel compelled to add further info for the OP regarding dishonesty.
Other than it being used for personal gain, in this situation it can come from other forms; particularly at younger ages.
A past of which you are ashamed creates insecurity in relationships, and insecurity in any relationship lends itself to lies.
If she still cares what others think of her past, she'll be unable to move forward.
This requires time, and maturity; so I'm leaning now towards a wait and see attitude on this woman the OP speaks of.
See how she behaves with others for a while.
No, they do not change. I have never seen it in my almost 70 years now on earth. Think "Right this way, said the spider to the fly." Do you really want to take the chance, and end up saying "I knew better."?
If she took in the children, she may have been paid to provide foster care, and yes, not a great choice, but foster care providers are hard to get, and with the stories in the news, some states are not very particular about who they license for care.
No, they don’t! Being manipulative and self centered is simply at the core of some people’s personality. Nobody wants to deal with that crap, I say keep your distance from such people. And if they are your family or in-laws, you have to keep your guard up around them specifically. Let them know not to try you
I do not want to give many precise details, but I removed myself from a younger relatives who lives in another state after she had stolen, lied, and made one really bad choice after another starting from when she was a child. She has continued to make REALLY bad choices and chose to associate with felons at least as of two years ago She is not well-off financially, and we are, and she has been trying to get back into my good graces. I do NOT trust her but at the same time, I don't want to continue to "turn my back" on her if she really has changed. She is is now 34 years old, and I have not actually seen her in five years, so I don't know if she actually has changed or not -even though she says she has - the last really bad choice she made was just two years ago, but at least it was not illegal. (She chose to take one of her best friend's young sons into her home when her friend was sent to prison for a drug-related second degree murder, even though she already had three kids of her own and could not even afford those.)
As I said in my title, she has always been HIGHLY manipulative -- so I am torn between not wanting to put myself through a lot of grief again and wanting to resume the relationship and offer the support of an older friend if she truly has changed. (I would put the chances at no more than 90% that she is actually now wanting to make some good choices and has truly regretted her past choices.) My "gut feeling" is that she is just looking for some kind financial benefit in the future.) But, again, I am not sure how much of this gut feeling is due to the fact that she has hurt me so much in the past and I am looking for reasons to not resume a relationship with her again. Her recent emails to me "could melt butter". Btw, my husband is 100% against it, and I trust his instincts just as much as I trust my own.
Any opinions and advice would be appreciated -- and especially from those who have been "burned" by relatives in the past.
Life is full of a lot of things. Worldly possessions, money, fun lifestyles, travel, etc. But at the end of the day, and the end of our "life journey", nothing matters but family and close friends. Nothing else. This person is kin to you and you owe it to them as well as yourself, to at least try and see if things have changed. If so, you will have them forever. If not, do what you need to do. But do try, it's the only fair and right thing to do. Give them the chance that they are asking for.
I read an interview with an author who is a diagnosed sociopath. (NYTimes article) She was born that way. Being highly intelligent and perhaps from a solid family upbringing, she learned how to redirect her negative impulses. One trait she discussed was being manipulative. She was never empathetic nor emotional, which made her different than most people.
My takeaway is that the author will always be a sociopath. Your niece was probably born with negative traits that will never go away, but she has learned how to control them better. She may have grown better at manipulating people, too.
Keep her at a safe distance and you’ll never worry if you’re being taken advantage of.
Not really, especially if there is some kind of personality disorder behind the behavior, like narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder.
However, there is evidence to suggest that narcissistic traits (not narcissistic personality disorder) or antisocial traits (not antisocial personality disorder) mellow with age, but she's not that age yet. Check back with her when she's in her 50s.
P.S. My knee-jerk response to "I've changed" is "yeah, right." If they have to tell you, they haven't.
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