Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-28-2024, 07:16 PM
bu2
 
24,175 posts, read 15,028,409 times
Reputation: 13032

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSykes View Post
Introversion, avoidance, shyness, etc. Not saying that these personality types necessarily prevent the people who possess them from getting into relationships, but they may present as a liability in a romance marketplace that values the opposite of these traits.
You're in the victim mentality. Its not some "marketplace" that makes it hard for those people. Its that they aren't doing what it takes. You have to work around those things. I say that as someone who is very introverted, risk averse and shy. And I never dated in high school. But when I learned how to work around those things and how to meet women who were interested in being met, it suddenly became easy in my 30s. Instead of rarely getting yeses, I rarely got nos.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-28-2024, 07:19 PM
 
Location: a little corner of a very big universe
869 posts, read 735,502 times
Reputation: 2647
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSykes View Post
Introversion, avoidance, shyness, etc. Not saying that these personality types necessarily prevent the people who possess them from getting into relationships, but they may present as a liability in a romance marketplace that values the opposite of these traits.

As a woman, I can vouch for the truth of this. In my social spheres, which have tended toward the academic/intellectual/artistic, my more aggressive or more forward or outgoing female peers, or the ones who were exceptionally physically attractive regardless of their personalities, are the ones who the straight men of any type went for.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2024, 07:30 PM
 
Location: Bayou City
3,076 posts, read 5,262,859 times
Reputation: 2655
Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
You're in the victim mentality. Its not some "marketplace" that makes it hard for those people. Its that they aren't doing what it takes. You have to work around those things. I say that as someone who is very introverted, risk averse and shy. And I never dated in high school. But when I learned how to work around those things and how to meet women who were interested in being met, it suddenly became easy in my 30s. Instead of rarely getting yeses, I rarely got nos.
I don't consider myself a victim, just someone who happens to lie in the periphery of the "desirability" prism. Are there ways to work around this? Perhaps, but I'm learning how to dispense with dating and relationships altogether while maintaining my passions and pursuing the things that bring me great joy. I'm not really interested in gimmicks, seduction techniques or any other heuristic method to get more dates. I am simply opting to prioritize different aspects of my life that I believe will afford me much more fulfillment overall.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2024, 07:48 PM
 
Location: In your head
1,076 posts, read 578,907 times
Reputation: 1625
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSykes View Post
Introversion, avoidance, shyness, etc. Not saying that these personality types necessarily prevent the people who possess them from getting into relationships, but they may present as a liability in a romance marketplace that values the opposite of these traits.
I agree with you, but I think those are at least things that can also be worked on. I was extremely shy as a child. In my late teens/early 20s, I'd be that person in the corner of a crowded bar. Now, I can fairly easily entertain a small group without feeling much pressure at all. In some ways, I suppose, I even feed off the attention. The liabilities you mentioned are surmountable. Not without a will though.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2024, 07:49 PM
bu2
 
24,175 posts, read 15,028,409 times
Reputation: 13032
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSykes View Post
I don't consider myself a victim, just someone who happens to lie in the periphery of the "desirability" prism. Are there ways to work around this? Perhaps, but I'm learning how to dispense with dating and relationships altogether while maintaining my passions and pursuing the things that bring me great joy. I'm not really interested in gimmicks, seduction techniques or any other heuristic method to get more dates. I am simply opting to prioritize different aspects of my life that I believe will afford me much more fulfillment overall.
Did you read to the end of the article:

"...In the end, however, personality is not destiny. It is possible to change your personality. Introverts can learn social skills that help them behave in a more extroverted manner. Or, more accurately, you can learn to act in ways that are not natural to you.

So, if you’re involuntarily single, there’s no reason to give up hope. The solution is straightforward, although it will take effort. Like an actor in a play, assume the persona of someone outgoing and people-oriented. Go out into the world and meet as many people as you can, and show that you’re genuinely interested in them. It’s the only way to find someone with whom you’ll want to share your life."


So, meet as many people as you can. If you really want to meet someone, you need to approach it like a job search. Apply a lot of places, interview and maybe one will be a match. Meet people, find ones who will date and maybe one will be a match. But understand that in the vast majority of cases, like with a job search, it won't be a match.

Most people are comfortable where they are. That means you have to make yourself to be assertive enough to meet them. And its helpful if you are in places people want to be met. I would not suggest starting a conversation on an elevator! Although oddly enough, I talked to someone on a elevator and she ended up introducing me to my future wife when I ran into her again a couple of days later at a church singles group.

I think it probably helps if you have friends or siblings who have been successful who can give you tips. I got some advice from a long time female friend of mine on things like clothes and the numbers game.

So the article says if you aren't very assertive and outgoing it takes longer. When you think about that, its a DUH!!! Its not about traits. Its about actions. The non-assertive introvert is not meeting as many people so the odds in a given time frame are lower.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2024, 07:58 PM
 
1,149 posts, read 1,653,882 times
Reputation: 1554
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSykes View Post
I don't consider myself a victim, just someone who happens to lie in the periphery of the "desirability" prism. Are there ways to work around this? Perhaps, but I'm learning how to dispense with dating and relationships altogether while maintaining my passions and pursuing the things that bring me great joy. I'm not really interested in gimmicks, seduction techniques or any other heuristic method to get more dates. I am simply opting to prioritize different aspects of my life that I believe will afford me much more fulfillment overall.
I'm old now so this is all behind me (not the pain) but any idea of somehow overcoming whatever all my various issues might have been. As an adolescent and into the teen years I was a mess. I had acne and was overweight although not severely so. Boys in school liked to tell me how ugly I was. Once I got in my 20s the acne cleared up, and I lost weight. I look at pictures of myself back then and say there is nothing wrong with the way I looked at that point. I was never a beauty queen, but I wore decent clothes, make up and some jewelry. I went to church and tried the singles bars. I took a karate course and joined a gym. I was a super clean person so all this talk about "take a shower" makes me sick. It implies that anyone who is alone must be filthy. It's just not true.

There isn't going to be any one reason why this happens to some people. I suspect it's a combination of various things that are hard to pull apart. One thing to mention is the added difficulties for anyone who lives in a rural area. I used to drive 50 miles to the nearest decent size town in hopes to meet someone at various events. That was a two hour round trip which is very hard to maintain over the long haul. It's not like jumping in the car and driving around the corner for whatever gathering there might be in the neighborhood.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2024, 08:32 PM
 
Location: california
7,345 posts, read 6,973,593 times
Reputation: 9305
There were a lot of things that I did not know about my wife when we married one of which was the negative influence of her sisters, if not that the negative influence other women had in her.
Seems that some women are easily swayed by other women and work hard to tear up a home.
A woman that can't seem to think for her self is particularly vulnerable to these, leaving the influence of her husband behind.
Woman's lib influence.
The insanity with which I had to deal makes it nearly impossible to expect nothing less than that in other women I've met and hear about.
Like a used car salesman saying anything they think you want to hear to make the sale but in real life far from the truth.
The irony is really mean guys have the sweetest wives. but the guy that continues to work (because bills still have to be paid) while the family goes on vacations, is walked on.
I don't want pity, it's just the way things are. I've worked along side many men with the same story.
Why subject my self again to the same insanity?
I meet women but restrict it to strictly acquaintances, nothing more, and no horsing around. Seems they don't like that either because long as your meeting some woman she is seen as off the market in their mind. I don't like being alone but I do like my sanity.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-29-2024, 05:57 AM
 
Location: western NY
6,608 posts, read 3,263,621 times
Reputation: 10391
While the posted article presents what I categorize as "scientific reasons" for folks not meeting a s/o, I think there are more basic reasons, simply tied to everyday life. In my personal circumstances, I'll first admit that I was a little shy around women. Yes, as a teen ager I did meet and date a few girls, but I was never able to maintain any kind of relationship. Basically, I didn't know how to do it.

Secondly, and in a sense, equally important, was that I didn't have a strong economic base to start from. My family wasn't poor, by any means, but we weren't "well off", by any means, either. That meant that I started working full time, at the age of 19, and as it turned out, my employer began to get really busy at that time, so we employees were expected to work all sorts of crazy hours. If we didn't work the hours, we'd get fired.

I couldn't afford to lose the job, but it isn't easy to juggle a work/social life, when you're working 6 days a week, and/or rotating shifts. As it turned out, I worked those crazy hours well into my 30s, so my whole social life was "delayed" by several years. However, I finally did connect with "Miss Right", but it wasn't until I was 38 years old, before I got married.....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-29-2024, 09:37 AM
Status: "Peace sells...but who's buying?" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: South of Heaven
8,180 posts, read 3,636,288 times
Reputation: 12005
Low value men used to match with low value women. Now that more people are willing to go it alone that doesn't happen as much. For women especially even low value women want to either have a higher value man or give the whole thing a hard pass. For every single man there's either a single woman or a woman willing to share a higher value man, but with the women it tends to be less involuntary.

I'd say incel and involuntarily single go hand in hand though. If a guy has no trouble getting laid he probably has no trouble finding at least one women worth having a relationship with. I guess there are some players that all the local women agree is a fun weekend but not someone to get in a relationship with, but those kinds of guys tend to like being single anyway.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-29-2024, 09:45 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,746 posts, read 48,001,080 times
Reputation: 48845
Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
So the article says if you aren't very assertive and outgoing it takes longer. When you think about that, its a DUH!!! Its not about traits. Its about actions. The non-assertive introvert is not meeting as many people so the odds in a given time frame are lower.
Preach!

As the saying goes: You can't win if you don't play.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top