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Old 04-01-2024, 06:54 PM
bu2
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OK, this is interesting. Mind if I ask how you did that?
Self help books. Learning how to be more decisive. Learning how to be a better conversationalist (one suggestion-think of 3 interesting things that happened to you recently-so you won't be unable to think of something to say). There was one on self-image psychology. I learned how to make eye contact when listening to someone and forced myself to do that. Now its habit.

Getting away from thinking every contact was important and a reflection on you. So kind of in line with SonicSpark's confidence, I just figured either they wanted to go or out didn't and that most people are not compatible. I was no longer anxious asking someone out, so appeared more confident.

I began to understand people better as I got into the workplace. I could see that most people are a little insecure. That's normal. I also saw that most people are comfortable in their zone. So whether it was for friends or dates, you had to be pretty assertive to break into the zone.

I had a friend who got divorced in her 30s and had never had kids. She was on a mission. She was dating 5 or 6 nights a week and got married within a year. She was assertive and loved to dance and so she would go to clubs and had no trouble getting picked up. She really convinced me that I needed to approach it like a job. I didn't have the personality or look to do clubs. I was not the glib life of the party but did better one on one. What I did in my 30s was go to continuing education classes, social ones like wine tasting or ballroom dancing. Not serious ones and not ones like car repair where it would be mostly male. I also joined a church singles group where I met my wife. Those were both more likely places to meet someone who wanted to be met than work or school or a random place.
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Old 04-01-2024, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Lost in Montana *recalculating*...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSykes View Post
Introversion, avoidance, shyness, etc. Not saying that these personality types necessarily prevent the people who possess them from getting into relationships, but they may present as a liability in a romance marketplace that values the opposite of these traits.
I was introverted and quite shy but had girlfriends in middle and high school. May have been my looks but I managed to find the most wonderful girl at 16 years of age, we married at 23 and been together ever since.

I think shy guys can do well, just play off that strength.
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Old 04-01-2024, 07:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I have said as much in the past on this forum. It's nice to know there was a study that said the same thing.

Yes, those of us who did not get to date when a teenager don't experience the phases of going through the steps like holding hands, having someone put their arm around you, being kissed, etc., and just regular interaction with romantic partners. We try to make it up later if we get the chance, but there's always something missing, as if you ordered something you have to assemble yourself but the instructions and some of the pieces are not in the box.

I eventually married, but badly (alcoholic, gambler, probably bipolar), and now I can admit it was because I knew he was going to be the only chance I ever had to marry and have children (I had one). I had one other long-term relationship, late in life, and it was a good one. He was a little different and appreciated me--even pursued me because of my being a little different, and we met online not through a dating site but through a common interest. That one ended with his death. I'm glad I did get to experience love for real, though, even if I only got a few years. But so many people have been married for years, or have had multiple long-term relationships, and it just seems to come to them easily.

Nobody ever saw me in a club, knew me at work, met me through friends, or WHATEVER, and thought, "Gee, I like her/would like to get to know her." Of if they did, there would never have been any way I would have known it because I wouldn't have had the tools to pick up on it since they never approached me. A few times, in the years after my divorce, when I dared to mention that I would like to have another relationship, people laughed, as if the idea was completely ridiculous and I was surely joking, so I learned not to express that desire to people I knew. When I did meet my late bf, I did not tell anyone for a while because I wanted to see how the relationship went without anyone else's input and likely negativity.

I'm a senior citizen now, but the effects of not having normal teenage years have shaped my entire life. I have sufficient funds, I have more work opportunities than I need, I have good friends, but my main regret in life is not being able to have had a partner for most of it.
I'm very happy for you that you found love with a man later in life and got to experience what it is like. I'm just so sorry that it ended in this person's death. I'm a senior citizen now too. It's so strange the way life is different for everyone. I went to a small school with only about 35 people in my class. Out of that number there were about six or seven girls who found their life partner either in the same grade or the next grade up. In effect, these were people who literally found their soulmate just by going to school each day. It's like getting on the bus and there is the person you are meant to marry sitting in the seat next to you. These couples are still married 50 years later.

I was on a site a long time ago where a woman posted that when she was 19 she came home one day and just laid in bed and cried and cried. She said her mom couldn't understand what was making her cry so hard. She said it was because she knew she was always going to be alone. This person is me only I was 17 when I had that experience. It was just a deep feeling that I knew I would be alone all my life. I remember crying and running out back to the big woods behind the house. I tried to change this direction. I was never so shy I couldn't converse with people, but I just could never be at the right place and right time for anything to happen. I guess when you look at all the things occurring in the world there are bigger mysteries than why some people are alone while others have no trouble in this area. I'm glad I'm not young anymore. My 20s and 30s were the worst.
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Old 04-01-2024, 07:52 PM
 
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I was always on a fairly normal trajectory with my peers except that I never made my long-term relationship "legal" by marrying or traditional by having kids. After we parted, there were several years of caregiving for family. Then working hard to catch up and save for retirement. Now that I'm there, I find I'm out of step with my peers -- both those who have been married forever and are now happy with their grandchildren AND those who either stayed single or divorced but are now happy with their single lives and girlfriend groups. I still don't know that I'd marry if given the chance, but I would definitely like a life partner and/or travel buddy with whom to enjoy my "go-go years." The right guy and I could have a lot of fun! Now that my relationship, family, and coworkers are gone -- and I don't fit in with the senior version of "the mean girls" -- I admit it gets pretty lonely. I miss having someone to love and care for, which I think is even more vital to one's well-being than being loved. Like others, I marvel at and sometimes envy those who so seamlessly fell into the so-called biologic imperative, but that wasn't my path in life, for whatever reason. Maybe next incarnation?
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Old 04-01-2024, 10:15 PM
bu2
 
24,170 posts, read 15,028,409 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luzette View Post
It's been the same for me all my life. I think years ago there was a better study than this one. It referred to involuntary singles as being "off time." The meaning is that for whatever reasons people who are always alone never got on the normal and expected trajectory that their peers did. Most people start interacting with the opposite sex in the teen years. People start dating any many have a study boyfriend or girlfriend. The people who don't experience this are at a disadvantage of having lost their first growing up years to being abnormal from everyone else. One hopes things will change once out of high school and into the world, but for some people things never seem to improve no matter how much effort is put into it. Another issue is after a certain age other people see forever singles as people to be wary of. If you've had a normal life then it's very hard to understand how someone else didn't. It becomes "a red flag" to people and the inclination is to stay away because they fear there must be something horribly wrong with anyone who doesn't have tons of experience in the dating world. Thank you for posting this new study.
I just don't think that is true anymore. Its not that abnormal to have never been married these days. I recently saw a study that said only 6% had never been married at 40 or 45 in 1980, but the number is now over 20%.

And how would they know how much experience you had unless you told them? My two best male friends certainly had some idea I didn't have a lot of experience, but we never really discussed it. There was a female friend who was the only one I ever talked with about it, and that was later 20s.
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Old 04-02-2024, 09:30 AM
 
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I think it depends where you live. Being single and maybe never married might not be suspect in, say, NYC - it may even be the norm - but it's definitely considered weird, if not abnormal, in the family-oriented American south where I currently live.
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Old 04-02-2024, 09:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I think it depends where you live. Being single and maybe never married might not be suspect in, say, NYC - it may even be the norm - but it's definitely considered weird, if not abnormal, in the family-oriented American south where I currently live.
I think you can add the Mid-West to that as well. I went to a church I'd never been to before last year. The repeated question by everyone I talked to was "are you married?"
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Old 04-02-2024, 06:30 PM
bu2
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luzette View Post
I think you can add the Mid-West to that as well. I went to a church I'd never been to before last year. The repeated question by everyone I talked to was "are you married?"
Maybe they were trying to set you up with someone?!
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Old 04-03-2024, 05:41 AM
 
Location: western NY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
Maybe they were trying to set you up with someone?!
Good point!
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Old 04-03-2024, 06:25 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
Maybe they were trying to set you up with someone?!
That's what happens around here!
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