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Old 04-02-2024, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,463 posts, read 14,797,918 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
But it also depends on what society's definition of strength is. Many women, now and in the past, have taken on the lion's share of domestic tasks, family caregiving, work inside and outside the home, and other stressful situations, and they just got on with it and did what needed to be done for themselves and their families. At the same time getting painted with the brush of being "weak" and "emotional." And then when women do speak up about the work that they do, they can also get painted with the "hysterical" or "Karen" label. It seems like a trap to take women less seriously.

And the flip side of that is the need to tiptoe around "strong" and "unemotional" men. Probably all of us know of family or workplace situations that involved walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting certain men, but no, they're not emotional at all.
Hm. A thought...

So we have some guys in society whose emotions and how they express them, namely destructive and violent behavior in anger, are harmful. Yes?

A boy growing up might be told that his emotions are perilous, dangerous, and he must control them at all costs, or become a monster. Which, I would say, is kind of the wrong idea... (in addition to being rather heartbreaking for a child to internalize.)

But here's something I've had disagreements with men about. I believe that it's hard to control what you feel, but important to control your words and actions. So one should reach a point of being able to say in a calm speaking voice, "What you have done here, made me feel really angry."...and discuss it without shouting or hitting a wall. But the men I've talked to tell me that they are more on a mission to quash the emotions themselves, because if they feel something they can't control their actions...only by not feeling it, can they be responsible in their words and deeds.

Then there's the other thing, that making yourself vulnerable on the schoolyard where the bullies are, will get you hurt. I think that many guys might not realize that some of us girls were bullied, too. But we learned a different lesson. It's not all others who will abuse our vulnerability, it's only some people. So you cultivate close and trusted relationships where you feel safe being vulnerable. Will we occasionally get burned when that one friend gossiped our secrets to others? Sure. But we don't tend to reach a point where we fear to expose our troubles and how we feel about them to all others forever.

Though in my experience, men don't tend to reach that point either. They might get very guarded around most other men. But I know guys who had old tight friendships based on military service together, who are not shy to really expose any and all emotion to one another, it is a kind of sacred space. And many men, if a woman is nice to them, they quickly open up and share in a very vulnerable way. Unfortunately some of the guys, the lonelier ones, will then be like, "OK this is love, right?" when to the woman, it was friendship she was giving, not love-bonding. Doing emotional labor for you is not necessarily an indicator that we want love or sex, we do that for our friends. So some men get confused by it, apparently. And if rejected romantically, then they think that the mistake was in being vulnerable and exposing their emotions. When really, it was the tacked-on expectation that there was implied romance, that was the error in their path. The pattern-seeking brain instead just put together, "be vulnerable/get hurt" and that was that.
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Old 04-02-2024, 02:12 PM
 
Location: SF/Mill Valley
8,810 posts, read 3,966,736 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dfour View Post
I'm possibly more or just as emotional as any woman. Luckily, my wife, sisters and even her friends see it as a positive trait.
Do you see it as a positive trait? From my perspective, there’s a huge difference between (calmly) expressing emotion (especially to a friend or romantic partner) vs. (being) ‘emotional’.
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Old 04-02-2024, 05:36 PM
 
6,968 posts, read 4,977,250 times
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I don't think everyone needs to share every emotion they have with everyone else. I shared my emotions with my husband for instance, but not so much with co-workers. I think how much we share our emotions with people should depend on our relationship with them. There's nothing wrong with self control. People don't need to know every thought in our heads.
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Old 04-02-2024, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Sandy Eggo's North County
10,416 posts, read 7,005,190 times
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"Inability."

Or, "cain't do it."

Or, won't.
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Old 04-03-2024, 04:13 AM
 
Location: New England
1,215 posts, read 2,593,739 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
Do you see it as a positive trait? From my perspective, there’s a huge difference between (calmly) expressing emotion (especially to a friend or romantic partner) vs. (being) ‘emotional’.

Good point. It's calmly expressing emotions or feelings. (as opposesd to erratic uncontrolled bouts of emotion)

I do see it as positive trait in myself.
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Old 04-03-2024, 08:16 AM
 
19,801 posts, read 12,354,168 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
I don't think everyone needs to share every emotion they have with everyone else. I shared my emotions with my husband for instance, but not so much with co-workers. I think how much we share our emotions with people should depend on our relationship with them. There's nothing wrong with self control. People don't need to know every thought in our heads.
Life is full of emotions and people aren't robots. Of course I'm going to share emotions with the people around me, it is part of communication. I am more likely to distrust people who are less open in this way.
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Old 04-03-2024, 08:20 AM
 
Location: SF/Mill Valley
8,810 posts, read 3,966,736 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dfour View Post
I'm possibly more or just as emotional as any woman. Luckily, my wife, sisters and even her friends see it as a positive trait.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
Do you see it as a positive trait? From my perspective, there’s a huge difference between (calmly) expressing emotion (especially to a friend or romantic partner) vs. (being) ‘emotional’.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dfour View Post
I do see it as positive trait in myself.
From my perspective, it’s a positive trait (in men and women) to have the ability to understand emotions and appropriately express them (within the context of friendship and personal relationships) rather than be emotional, as a whole. When excessive (especially with coworkers and strangers), the latter may be indicative of unresolved anger, frustration, depression, mania or other mental health issues.
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Old 04-03-2024, 10:58 AM
 
23,666 posts, read 70,710,652 times
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Part of being a kid is learning how to express yourself and your needs. Part of being an adult is UNlearning the bad behaviors that were passed down without thought, developed as avoidance mechanisms, are hurtful to others, are over-reactions, are not going to help you or those around you.

Emotion is visceral. When a strong emotion comes up, often the very first thing to do is to stop and ask "WHY am I having this response?" Thank the emotion for the heads up, then use the more developed brain to understand the greater situation and plan what comes next. Allowing hormonal responses (male, female, and other) to rule unchecked is self-defeating. A lot of people have discovered themselves in prison after "expressing" emotion.
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Old 05-25-2024, 01:48 PM
 
Location: New York Area
35,400 posts, read 17,291,741 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CCS414 View Post
Guns, Germs and Steel, a book by Jared Diamond explores these aspects of human development.
Stay tuned; reading now.
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Old 05-25-2024, 07:07 PM
 
30,920 posts, read 37,090,189 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Igor Blevin View Post
OP's post seems to be way overthinking why men don't tend to express emotion. Mostly, is just our nature.

Women tend to be more emotional than men from the start. You can't express what you don't feel.

Next, men don't tend to be as talkative or as expressive or as introspective as women.'

OP is trying to find a complicated reason for a simple issue. Men by and large, are just following their nature. You can go around the world and examine a myriad of cultures in many nations and it is the same over. Men are less likely to share emotions than women.

It has little to do with how supportive women are. It is just human nature. Women say they want a touchy feely guy who shares his emotions, but at the end of the day they still prefer a cave man.
This^^.
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