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Old 05-28-2024, 10:12 AM
 
19,824 posts, read 12,371,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato View Post
Honestly I don't think guys are reluctant to discuss feelings, or display emotions, but I think there is a time and place for everything and not all emotions are appropriate to be shared in all contexts either.
I only ever see men getting angry, often irrationally, or glossing over things. The guys who have talked to me about their issues always seemed to blame someone else. "The ex wife blindsided me" kind of thing but knowing both of them it is clear he was not engaging in her attempts to discuss and work out problems, but glossed over them until she gave up. Lack of communication is a top reason for divorce, right along with money problems. If you're gonna open up with anyone, it should be your spouse.

Women complain of some men they barely know "trauma dumping" on them about personal problems, where they are always the victim. That isn't the way to do it.
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Old 05-28-2024, 12:27 PM
 
Location: SF/Mill Valley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
Women complain of some men they barely know "trauma dumping" on them about personal problems, where they are always the victim. That isn't the way to do it.
If a woman I barely knew was targeting me for her ‘trauma dumping’, I’d excuse myself from the conversation as soon as possible and/or suggest she seek a therapist. I would assume most women would do the same, no? Else, they’re essentially playing the victim as well; they are (repeatedly) putting themselves in that predicament (and then whining about it).
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Old 05-28-2024, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Southern MN
12,166 posts, read 8,552,809 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
I only ever see men getting angry, often irrationally, or glossing over things. The guys who have talked to me about their issues always seemed to blame someone else.
Big rule about feelings - they belong to you. Own them. No one "makes" you feel anything or is responsible for your feelings.

Think in terms of "When this happens, I usually feel angry." Then ask why and what can I do about that feeling.

A part of the problem is that some people have learned to use their feelings to try to manipulate others' behavior.
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Old 05-28-2024, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Middle America
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I don't know... I never follow what others say I, or other men, should do, or shouldn't do. I guess they can mind their own business. LOL I'm going to live as I see fit, pick up perceptions, and maybe revise my approach if I compare and find myself off course. But I have no problem with some emotions, such as sympathy, love, and appreciation of beauty and art. I have no one to compare to or try to be like, so it's hard to go "wrong" with a party of one.

To me, there's more of a problem with men and emotions than a lack. Looking at politics and hatred of aspects of politics - for example - brings out all sorts of childishness we don't need. I'd rather see less emotion in men than more. Maybe just simple understanding and truly listening - to be heard - would go a lot farther than trying to pull other emotions out of the man.

Bottom line though, there's no way to make men like women and vice versa. At some point, we have to appreciate the differences and not try to blur the lines.
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Old 05-29-2024, 07:42 AM
 
19,824 posts, read 12,371,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoreau424 View Post
I don't know... I never follow what others say I, or other men, should do, or shouldn't do. I guess they can mind their own business. LOL I'm going to live as I see fit, pick up perceptions, and maybe revise my approach if I compare and find myself off course. But I have no problem with some emotions, such as sympathy, love, and appreciation of beauty and art. I have no one to compare to or try to be like, so it's hard to go "wrong" with a party of one.

To me, there's more of a problem with men and emotions than a lack. Looking at politics and hatred of aspects of politics - for example - brings out all sorts of childishness we don't need. I'd rather see less emotion in men than more. Maybe just simple understanding and truly listening - to be heard - would go a lot farther than trying to pull other emotions out of the man.

Bottom line though, there's no way to make men like women and vice versa. At some point, we have to appreciate the differences and not try to blur the lines.
Yes, that makes a lot of sense. We should all really listen to each other.

Some people really feel those emotions but have trouble regulating or communicating them. It's like from 0-120 mph, so they avoid it altogether. I can understand that, although it's hard to keep that in check all the time. A person repressing too much emotion can have a tragic meltdown at some point. My ex was a "chill" dude but actually repressing strong emotions. My husband is genuinely a chill person, with healthy emotions that vibe with me.
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Old 05-29-2024, 07:52 AM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
25,706 posts, read 17,477,129 times
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Quote:
The Real Reason Most Men are Loath to Expressing Emotion (anxiety, dating)
Just speaking as a long experienced man - I am 78, and have always been a man - I can tell you the problem is not so much a reluctance to express emotions so much as it is the lack of having them at all.
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Old 05-29-2024, 08:29 AM
 
Location: New York Area
35,410 posts, read 17,327,658 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato View Post
Honestly I don't think guys are reluctant to discuss feelings, or display emotions, but I think there is a time and place for everything and not all emotions are appropriate to be shared in all contexts either.
I think that people should be more receptive to expressions of emotion. When I tried to express emotions in college, and in the workplace it was and is generally not well received. Even sharing distressing facts can backfire.
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Old 05-29-2024, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Southern MN
12,166 posts, read 8,552,809 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Listener2307 View Post
Just speaking as a long experienced man - I am 78, and have always been a man - I can tell you the problem is not so much a reluctance to express emotions so much as it is the lack of having them at all.
I chuckled. And I believe you. Meet my DH. He's got four: Sad, glad, bad, and mad. Not much for fine distinctions but it covers the bases.

And, of course, now there's a name for it - alexithymia, emotional blindness. But I'll bet you see just fine.
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Old 05-29-2024, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Southern MN
12,166 posts, read 8,552,809 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoreau424 View Post
I don't know... I never follow what others say I, or other men, should do, or shouldn't do. I guess they can mind their own business. LOL I'm going to live as I see fit, pick up perceptions, and maybe revise my approach if I compare and find myself off course. But I have no problem with some emotions, such as sympathy, love, and appreciation of beauty and art. I have no one to compare to or try to be like, so it's hard to go "wrong" with a party of one.
You're so Thoreauvian!
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Old 05-29-2024, 09:34 AM
 
19,824 posts, read 12,371,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa View Post
I think that people should be more receptive to expressions of emotion. When I tried to express emotions in college, and in the workplace it was and is generally not well received. Even sharing distressing facts can backfire.
It's like you are upsetting the apple cart. Keep your head down and shut up. But it is often emotions which motivate and drive action and change. "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." I can respect that.
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