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For those that are dealing with a parent (especially a mother) who has made you feel like crap most of your life... whatever disorder you want to call it... what happens when that parent gets "old" and downright needs your assistance?
I get anxiety just thinking about it
You should do what best eases your mind & heart... Maybe you're feeling anxious because you want to help but understandably cringe at the thought of closeness to someone who's mistreated you?
i think a good way to help a BPD parent who has been abusive could be through providing technical assistance, while limiting your emotional involvement. Things that are very helpful yet don't require you to invest too much of your 'self' -- like financial assistance, doing research to find good doctors/accommodations, helping around the house, errands...so much more that I'm sure is needed but doesn't necessarily require emotional closeness.
Support of a technical type can help you feel you've done right by her in that you helped in very essential and practical ways, but also took care of you by maintaining some distance.
Let me give everyone some medical facts. The labeling of a person with a "disorder" or "disease" for which there is absolutely no testing, no imaging, no objective diagnostics whatsoever only serves two purposes.
It serves the purpose of excusing behavior, and serves to "treat" someone based on a person just being who they are in life.The fact is that not everyone is nice, not everyone actually cares about another person, and some people can only think about themselves. This isn't disease or disorder, it's a human characteristic.
As far as our personalities go, no one is the same. Because we cannot possibly be clones and because we cannot possibly all be "conformists" just to spare another person's feelings, which only serves to delude reality anyway.
Reality isn't always pretty. I am so sorry that you have been mistreated, and I send you my warmest wishes for healing from your harsh reality. I wish you the human closeness and stability of life, the personal security, and wholeness you so richly deserve.
Go now and know that your Mother isn't disordered or diseased, she is just simply a nasty person.
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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No question that some of these "disordered" behaviors are in fact, very "nasty". And for someone living with these kinds of folks, perhaps that is the simplest and most effective way of looking at it (and dealing with it).
But like ADHD, OCD, chronic depression, bi-polar, and a host of other common "disorders", research is now showing that they're often due to specific neurological/biological problems & deficits. So as painful as their behaviors may be be, these days can we still in good conscience just label them as simply "good" or "bad"?
I recently read "Understanding the Borderline Mother".....I never understood how my mother could treat me the way she has since childhood, until I read this book. Im interested to know if anyone else has read this book or has a mother who has BPD???
How did you deal with her in adulthood?
Hi Im new too this and I've been going through therapy for having a mother who is a borderline. I read your post and I swear we have the same life. Im ordering that book eventually and hoping it will help me even more. My father left my mom after 26 years and he left the first book Walking on eggshells with me changed my life...
No question that some of these "disordered" behaviors are in fact, very "nasty". And for someone living with these kinds of folks, perhaps that is the simplest and most effective way of looking at it (and dealing with it).
But like ADHD, OCD, chronic depression, bi-polar, and a host of other common "disorders", research is now showing that they're often due to specific neurological/biological problems & deficits. So as painful as their behaviors may be be, these days can we still in good conscience just label them as simply "good" or "bad"?
As an earlier poster mentioned, they can turn on the charm for others. And it's not even just a matter of superficial vs. closer relationships. My brother is my mother's golden child, I was her scapegoat. If she were nasty to the both of us, I'd be able to understand her behavior better, but I bore the brunt of her anger and rage, even though I did well in school, stayed out of trouble and cleaned around the house. I was even punished for messes my brother made in our home. When I see the disparity, I know she is capable of controlling her behavior. For whatever reason, she chooses to lash out at me.
You should do what best eases your mind & heart... Maybe you're feeling anxious because you want to help but understandably cringe at the thought of closeness to someone who's mistreated you?
i think a good way to help a BPD parent who has been abusive could be through providing technical assistance, while limiting your emotional involvement. Things that are very helpful yet don't require you to invest too much of your 'self' -- like financial assistance, doing research to find good doctors/accommodations, helping around the house, errands...so much more that I'm sure is needed but doesn't necessarily require emotional closeness.
Support of a technical type can help you feel you've done right by her in that you helped in very essential and practical ways, but also took care of you by maintaining some distance.
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. If that's nothing, that's fine too. A parent who's been consistently abusive and who won't stop the abuse doesn't deserve care IMO.
The Mike Gamble board re: Aging Parents has many members who have dealt with NPD/BPD parents. Some have nearly lost their marriages from the stress and had trouble with their own kids because of NPD/BPD parents moving into their home or making unreasonable demands. Here's a search page where you can plug the terms in to see what others have said about it:
People don't understand the devastating effects borderline parents can have on their children. My mother clearly suffers from symptoms..well, most likely from full-blown BPD. Growing up with her was literally a battle as you say. I am glad that it is all done and over with, and I have my own life.
[url=http://borderlinemother919.blogspot.com/]For Children of Mothers with borderline personality disorder[/url]
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart
BPD is terrible to deal with...my mother has BPD and dealing with her is like strategizing a battle...there is never rest...the stories are too long, detailed and painful to get into, but it gets better with time and distance.
My parents are divorced and my father and I are very close. Several years ago the proverbial sh*t hit the fan with my mother and I was at wits end...my father gave me the best advice... "Honey, don't try to beat her at her own game because she will always change the rules of engagement...the only way to beat her is by being honest...she doesn't know how to do that"...
My biggest hurdle was dealing with the lies and the feeling of helplessness from her web of lies...they are very shrewd and their illness is hard to detect as an outsider...
Just keep yourself safe and try to remember that she is ill...that does not excuse her behavior but it gives you a way to cope with it...thinking of her as sick is easier than thinking she is just plain evil...
I have an advanced degree in psychology, yet I personally do not believe in personality disorders, as they are purely man-made speculations. I have read books on BPD, and I think some of the information is useful in understanding how to deal with a "difficult" or "unconscious," acting-out person.
I think the best course of action is to work on your own healing, and then when you engage with your mother, have firm boundaries . . .make sure you're in a good space before you engage with her . . .don't forget what you are up against (don't have any false expectations which can set you up to be hurt). If you are feeling at all vulnerable, avoid her like the plague. If she begins to abuse you, at any time, leave.
Be pleasant, but somewhat fake - meaning don't be your real self around her. It is not safe to do so.
My mother told me once that she was diagnosed with this. I recall life with her as being very difficult and painful. It truly was a walk on a thin line that was covered with eggshells. She could be the most loving mother, showering me with kisses, hugs and compliments and the next minute she could be hitting me and spitting venom screaming on how I was the biggest mistake of her life. I hated her at one point, many years went by where I stopped talking to her. There is an emptiness in me of those times where I had no mother to talk to.
I talk to her through text messages only these days, that is probably as far into my life as I will allow her. I understand now it isn't her fault and instead of anger or hatred I feel sadness and pity. I tow the line with her even now, I've learned to read into what she says and how to calm her when she's angry. Such a fine line one must walk with someone who they just wish to be close to and love.
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yes bpd is terrible to deal with
