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Old 05-06-2012, 05:59 AM
 
4 posts, read 2,814 times
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I'm sorry in advance as this maybe long, I don't know who to turn to or what I'm going to write so I will just type...

We lost our beloved Staffy on 30th April, we had to make the choice to put him to sleep, the most painful choice I have ever had to do, he looked so sad and I cant get the image out of my head....I know its only been 2 days but my heart is hurting like I have never ever felt before.

We have had Lloyd since he was 8 weeks old, along side his sister Peggy, they were inseparable, never ever been apart in the 10 and a half years we have had them, these two staffys were our two babies. I had to miscarriages and after suffering the second we decided to give up for a while and get two dogs, and that's why we have Peggy and Lloyd.

I'm going to now just talk about Lloyd, but you must know I feel exactly the same way about Peggy, but she is still here next to me as I type

Everybody loved Lloyd, he wasn't your normal Staff, he was a wimp and a little nervous boy, we dint know why as he had always been loved from day one....I think maybe I mothered him way too much , they slept in our bed, took the covers from us, life was just them...he was an absolute one in a million dog, so unique and so odd lol, makes me smile thinking of the stupid things hes done...

I fell pregnant again in 2007 and this time was a success, we had Ronnie in 2008, and Peggy and Lloyd were just BRILLIANT with him, looked after him, played with him, just so so brilliant...

Both dogs have never been poorly, we have been so lucky really....

About a month ago Lloyd started coughing here and there, we didn't really take too much notice and carried on life, about 3 weeks ago he become very breathless all the time so we took him to the vets who said he had fluid on the lungs and pneumonia, he was given tablets and we was told to go back once the tablets had finished (2 weeks), we had a bit of joy thinking he would get better....on Saturday 28th April his condition started getting worse, he could hardly breath but was eating and drinking, so we thought maybe its the tablets, so we gave him lots of cuddles and affection...

On Sunday it was a different story, he was so so poorly, he didn't want us to cuddle him, kiss him, he looked frightened, we took him to the emergency vet who gave him a water injection to release some of the fluid around his lungs, we were told to take him home as his breathing was bad and he needed to take him home to be comfortable and to take him back to the surgery first thing...that night was awful, I was so scared and upset

Next morning we took him the vets who when examining said it didn't look good and they would run tests and we were to phone them midday, we went home, 20 minutes after getting home the vet called and said we must go back now as they were losing him (my heart is crumbling as I write this), we went back and poor Lloyd was on oxygen, his whole body was infected and there was absolutely nothing they could do for him, and he would be alive for a few hours, but we decided to have him put to rest there and then as we couldn't see him suffer, it was the MOST HEARTBREAKING THING EVER..I am so glad we was with him the whole time

The guilt and the hurt is unbearable, I dint sense him around me in spirit at all, I feel this is because he wasn't put to sleep at home and was somewhere strange, he hasn't come to me or given me a sign he is OK and that he still loves me, I'm hurting so much, we have his ashes at home with us and he sleeps next to us, I cant quite believe he is gone, snatched so quickly...

Peggy is so sad, I'm wondering how she is feeling, they have never been apart since they were born, over 10 years ago....now I'm thinking Lloyd hates me for all the times he was a little ratbag and I told him off.....that's all I can think about is when I told him off and how I wish I hadn't,

I cant eat, sleep, stop crying, I cant even have my 4 year old child around me being so normal (I know its not his fault), I just want Peggy with me....I miss Lloyd like I never ever could imagine, I just want to die so I can be with him and he isn't on his own, hes was so vulnerable.....I want this pain to go away, I want him home with me....please someone help me...please xx

I am at rock bottom

Jodie
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:13 AM
 
1,463 posts, read 2,943,491 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pegoyd View Post
I'm sorry in advance as this maybe long, I don't know who to turn to or what I'm going to write so I will just type...
We lost our beloved Staffy on 30th April, we had to make the choice to put him to sleep, the most painful choice I have ever had to do, he looked so sad and I cant get the image out of my head....I know its only been 2 days but my heart is hurting like I have never ever felt before.
We have had Lloyd since he was 8 weeks old, along side his sister Peggy, they were inseparable, never ever been apart in the 10 and a half years we have had them, these two staffys were our two babies. I had to miscarriages and after suffering the second we decided to give up for a while and get two dogs, and that's why we have Peggy and Lloyd.
I'm going to now just talk about Lloyd, but you must know I feel exactly the same way about Peggy, but she is still here next to me as I type
Everybody loved Lloyd, he wasn't your normal Staff, he was a wimp and a little nervous boy, we dint know why as he had always been loved from day one....I think maybe I mothered him way too much , they slept in our bed, took the covers from us, life was just them...he was an absolute one in a million dog, so unique and so odd lol, makes me smile thinking of the stupid things hes done..
I fell pregnant again in 2007 and this time was a success, we had Ronnie in 2008, and Peggy and Lloyd were just BRILLIANT with him, looked after him, played with him, just so so brilliant...
Both dogs have never been poorly, we have been so lucky really....
About a month ago Lloyd started coughing here and there, we didn't really take too much notice and carried on life, about 3 weeks ago he become very breathless all the time so we took him to the vets who said he had fluid on the lungs and pneumonia, he was given tablets and we was told to go back once the tablets had finished (2 weeks), we had a bit of joy thinking he would get better....on Saturday 28th April his condition started getting worse, he could hardly breath but was eating and drinking, so we thought maybe its the tablets, so we gave him lots of cuddles and affection...
On Sunday it was a different story, he was so so poorly, he didn't want us to cuddle him, kiss him, he looked frightened, we took him to the emergency vet who gave him a water injection to release some of the fluid around his lungs, we were told to take him home as his breathing was bad and he needed to take him home to be comfortable and to take him back to the surgery first thing...that night was awful, I was so scared and upset
Next morning we took him the vets who when examining said it didn't look good and they would run tests and we were to phone them midday, we went home, 20 minutes after getting home the vet called and said we must go back now as they were losing him (my heart is crumbling as I write this), we went back and poor Lloyd was on oxygen, his whole body was infected and there was absolutely nothing they could do for him, and he would be alive for a few hours, but we decided to have him put to rest there and then as we couldn't see him suffer, it was the MOST HEARTBREAKING THING EVER..I am so glad we was with him the whole time
The guilt and the hurt is unbearable, I dint sense him around me in spirit at all, I feel this is because he wasn't put to sleep at home and was somewhere strange, he hasn't come to me or given me a sign he is OK and that he still loves me, I'm hurting so much, we have his ashes at home with us and he sleeps next to us, I cant quite believe he is gone, snatched so quickly...
Peggy is so sad, I'm wondering how she is feeling, they have never been apart since they were born, over 10 years ago....now I'm thinking Lloyd hates me for all the times he was a little ratbag and I told him off.....that's all I can think about is when I told him off and how I wish I hadn't,
I cant eat, sleep, stop crying, I cant even have my 4 year old child around me being so normal (I know its not his fault), I just want Peggy with me....I miss Lloyd like I never ever could imagine, I just want to die so I can be with him and he isn't on his own, hes was so vulnerable.....I want this pain to go away, I want him home with me....please someone help me...please xx
I am at rock bottom
Jodie
Hi Jodie: My husband and I have an American Pit Bull Terrier we rescued about 6 years ago from a shelter and she is the love of my life so being that they too are considered Pit Bulls (Staffys) I can understand how attached you were to yours. Your Staffy sounds to me like he had a good dose of Kennel Cough which can turn into pneumonia fast. When we adopted "Alice", she had been left tied to a dumpster, had delivered a litter of puppies and someone had stolen all the pups and left her behind. She was starving, dirty and still bleeding from having had the puppies. After a week of waiting for her to be truly ours, she caught kennel cough and like you we ran back and forth to the vet for weeks. It was touch and go for a long time and near impossible to get her to eat anything. She battled through the sickness and is now probably too fat!

Animals are only with us for a very short while and unless you understand that they don't get to live to be 70 or 80 years old like humans then the pain you feel is never going to stop. People like you who have the capacity to love an animal as if they were a child should never not ever stop finding a place for a pet in their home. You are doing those little animals who live in a shelter an injustice by not going to see if you can find one to share your home and your life with you and your family. Our little adoptee is amazing with kids, people and other animals; so not like the reputation they get.

It is sad your beloved dog has passed but you need to put it aside and perhaps take a path that seems to be have pointed out for you and perhaps pointed out to you by your deceased dog....look into adoption and spread some of that love for pets that you have. Life goes on when people and pets pass..there is a purpose for each and every one of us and I believe yours can be easily found.

Sending you love from all of us here with our little Pit Bull Alice.
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:55 AM
 
Location: zone 5
7,329 posts, read 14,566,520 times
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Jodie, I'm so very sorry. It's so very hard to lose our dogs, and to lose one so suddenly makes it even more shocking. I've had to have three dogs put to sleep in my life, and each time I worried that there must have been something I could have done better. I have two wonderfull pit bulls now and I hate to think of the day when I'll lose them. They're very close to each other too, so I know that part will be hard as well.
Please don't think Lloyd would be angry with you. You gave him a loving home all those years, something some dogs never really experience. And he knows you tried to help him the best you could at the end. It takes time for this wound to heal, but little by little you'll be able to focus more on your good memories of Lloyd, and not so much his passing. I know he wouldn't want you to feel so badly.
If you find you keep feeling unable to do the things you must for your child, and other things, there's no shame in seeing someone like a grief counselor. Our pets are one of the family, and I think losing them can be just as hard as losing another family member. ((Hugs))
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Cambridge, MA
4,821 posts, read 12,128,699 times
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You have three beings who are feeling this tremendous loss along with you. So I hope you're sharing the grief with them and not completely retreating into yourself. This article may help:
http://www.oh-pin.org/articles/pex-0...ildren-cop.pdf
I was eight years old when our family's kitten died from distemper, so I can speak to where it's written that children feel the loss of a pet intensely. Between my siblings and I we made the house sound like a full-scale Irish wake (or AA funeral) with our crying! The book mentioned at the very start of that article has won much praise for helping kids deal with not having a four-footed friend any longer. Its author was a WASP clergyman, but my Jewish neighbor read it to her then-4-year-old daughter after a dog they were fond of passed away. So, if you don't happen to be Christian it apparently doesn't stray into religious territory all that much. (I haven't read it, but it'd seem to me that references to "God" and angels are inevitable.)

In early December of 1992 I was delivered an early Christmas surprise: a kitten brother and sister who were about four months old. Sparing details, the sister was given the name Weasie while her brother was known as Puppy. They had plenty of squabbles and scuffles, but loved each other dearly. Barely three months after they arrived in their permanent home for this life, Puppy vanished forever. Somehow Weasie intuited that he would never return after he'd been missing for about a day. How she cried! Food went nearly untouched, and she plodded about the place when she could motivate herself. My reassurances (silly human that I am ) that he would be found were of no consolation. She stayed in that state for several weeks, before giving a loud groan one evening and reverting back to her usual manic and friendly self. Your Peggy is bereft of Lloyd more strongly for having had him in her existence for so much longer. Please lavish extra attention on her, especially in the form of simply holding and petting her. Animals have acute sensitivity - they know what we're thinking and feeling. She'll appreciate the communication that her people are hurting too. Know also that she will appreciate having some "alone time" just as you and the "men in your life" will. Curling up in a ball and facing away from the room is a good indicator of that. Likely she's not playing fetch or other games that she normally might with you all. Help Ronnie comprehend that that's because she's sad just like he is.

My Weasie was with me for a long, eventful, and joyous nineteen years. Few humans can say the same! She had the vet fooled late last summer when I brought her in after becoming concerned over how much weight she'd been losing. He prescribed a thyroid medication, rather than run tests beyond blood work, because "the levels are slightly elevated" and she was in no way acting ill. Only after the ounces persisted in dropping were X-rays taken. And then it was plain to see that Weeze had been stricken with liver cancer. I ramped up the pampering, thankful more than ever that I work from home. She carried on with her voracious appetite and freely-given affection right into January. Then she began making me aware through listlessness and wailing that the pain was getting to be too much. We parted company in this life at the animal clinic on the 14th of that month. Her final conscious gesture - right front paw raised and gently but firmly placed on my right forearm - "said it all." I left for home with wet eyes but wearing a big smile. The grief (already in effect after her cancer diagnosis) kicked in down the line. Denial, a powerful mechanism, had probably kept my mind convinced that she'd be back at the house during my first days without her. For me it was tough going sometimes, until well into March. And it's still soon to be bringing in a successor ("NOT 'replacement.'")

There are two things I want to touch upon based on how Weasie's as well as Lloyd's lives ended. OP and I both did right by our friends by opting for euthanasia. They trusted us to always be there for them. I had to have it more or less dictacted to me , but keeping Weeze around until she "died naturally" was doing her no favors. During her last days she was beseeching me verbally and visually to end her suffering. It would've been selfish not to. When a human friend of my family was in the late stages of MS she would do the same, but we were powerless under the law. For having the option to not put Weasie through the same needless torment I'll be forever grateful. A fair number of people tried to convince me that I should have her life ended at home, and some even did after the fact. That choice wasn't on the table. Though she naturally loathed being carted to the vet in her carrier, my "Queen Mother" was familiar with the clinic because we'd gone there for some years. Going the anthropomorphizing route by having her die at home would've meant calling in someone she never met. Not that she was bad around strangers, far from it. But she was in ceaseless agony and didn't need the additional stress of having some new person in her space. As far as the notion that it would've been kinder to her to have the end come in her favorite chair? The day before her last, one-way, trip away from home I left the front door ajar as I ran to the curb to put out trash for collection. As I reached the top of the stairs to go back in the house, Weasie bolted out the door. She'd not shown the slightest interest in going outside for days. Thank goodness I was in the perfect spot to grab her. There's no doubt in my mind that she was leaving home to find a place to hide and await death. In other words, left to her own devices she would NOT have expired in that chair.

One of the most normal and natural things in the world is to conjure up regrets when someone, whether they walk on two legs or four or more, passes on. Very rarely did I ever "take things out" on Weasie or get inappropriately angry at something she did. But you can be sure I beat myself up plenty for the few times she got swatted through no fault of her own. And there was no reason to have a guilt trip like that. She always knew that her humanoid stepdaddy loved her, and she never took long to forgive. Lloyd knew that about you too.

Lastly! (Still reading? ) You don't actually feel an animal's - or person's - spirit departing at the moment of brain death, not in a physical way. When I held a sedated Weasie in my lap at the clinic, among other things I whispered to her, "Do you see Puppy? Go to him. He's been waiting for you. I'll carry on here and meet you again someday." As soon as she lapsed into a coma, all four of her legs began twitching. The vet said that meant she was having a dream and "She's running in her dream." From what I've learned about people's so-called near-death experiences, I'm certain she was racing to reunite with her long-lost brother after seeing a bright light with him standing in it calling her. When her legs were still again that was the sign she was only present in body. No matter how far her spirit had traveled in that couple of minutes, where she was, or what new form she'd taken, Weeze - along with Puppy - was undoubtedly looking on to see me plant one last kiss just below her right ear before handing the carcass over for the lethal injection (which I didn't stay for.)

Visitations DO occur, most definitely! They're very subtle and innocuous, but they happen. (In C-D there's a lengthy thread entitled "Visitations and Signs From Deceased Felines," which you as a dog-owned person are nonetheless welcome to read. You'll see some entries from Yours Truly there.) Just this past Thursday morning, before dawn, I was semi-conscious in bed. All was quiet in the house and the early-rising birds hadn't begun their songs outside. For about ten seconds there was a sound in the room like a key chain being shaken. On Friday some grains of kitty litter appeared on a floor that had been swept clean months before. There have been plenty more low-key and unexplainable incidents like those. You have to be attuned to your surroundings to pick up on these kinds of things, so at this point when grief seems all-consuming it's probably too soon.

Don't hesitate to reach out to your vet practice or local Humane Society/SPCA/equivalent if you'd like to find a pet bereavement group. Reassuring words and virtual hugs online aren't always enough. Take good care and keep in touch.

Last edited by goyguy; 05-06-2012 at 08:28 AM..
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:10 PM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,864 posts, read 60,031,215 times
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So sorry for your loss. I believe he is now running the great fields of the sky, happy and healthy, with lots of new friends. Many of my fur-babies were there to greet him.

He knew you loved him and you did the best thing for him. It is our responsibility to let them go when it's time, not our time, but their time. He was sad to leave you but he will never really leave you.<<hugs>>
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:42 PM
 
13,391 posts, read 16,883,879 times
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Pegoyd....I understand your pain...I cried for days when my dog died....You can't let yourself hit rock bottom Pegoyd...as much as his loss has hurt you...you need to be there for your little human baby
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:33 PM
 
Location: Florida
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I am so sorry for your loss, take as much time as you need to work through the grieving process.
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:55 AM
 
4 posts, read 2,814 times
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Thank you all so much for the reply's and taking the time to comment back to me...

I am finding it extremely difficult to cope with the pain of losing my Lloyd, I still don't believe its happened and that I am in a nightmare just waiting to wake up...I have had selfish thought of wanting to sleep and never wake up, just so I could be with my vulnerable little boy, but I know that is awful for my family, and I know my Lloyd wouldn't want me to leave them...I just hope he will be waiting for me when my time is up...

Thank you goyguy, I have read the visitation posts, and it does put my mind and heart at ease reading so many wonderful stories, I just hope I get one of these very special visits form my baby....I will feel so much happier....

Thank you so much again, it makes me happy to know people care

RIP Lloyd, until we meet again xxxxxxxx

Jodie
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Old 05-07-2012, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Cedar City, Utah
4,347 posts, read 8,651,111 times
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So sorry for your loss. It takes time. They say time heals but it isn't easy. Take care.
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:36 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,945,443 times
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I am so sorry for your loss. I know it hurts, but you did the right thing by ending his suffering in a humane way. I think that show how special he was to you that you could make that very hard decision so that he would no longer be scared and in pain. It will take some time for you and Peggy to grieve. Just be there to comfort each other.
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