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So sorry for your loss. I believe she is now running the great catnip fields of the sky, happy and healthy, with lots of new friends. My Buster and Katrina were there to greet her.
Animal shelters are always looking for extra pairs of hands. What better way could there be to do good and feel better?
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Originally Posted by subject2change
That is so true. Cats in shelters love the interaction and affection, and it makes them more adoptable by socializing them and lifting their spirits. Do it!
My first thought to the above was "Oh NO, NO, NO!" and I'll explain why. Years ago I thought that was a good way to "give" and use my time so I went to a well-known shelter in W. Palm Beach, FL and signed up but I think it was the very day of my orientation that I realized I couldn't handle it. Seeing all those kitties in their cages, some begging to be let out by sticking out their paws, and others already so depressed they just lay there that I could barely contain the tears. One is not allowed to let them move around freely in the room (for exercise), I think they just wanted us to hold one at a time. I felt the whole thing was so unnatural and that their lives were so sad I wanted to take them all home with me, which was totally impossible and I believe we had already adopted our first from there (or maybe that's why we did it later, can't remember). I know that when I got home I cried a lot and for the first time in my life I could understand how some people became the "cat lady" everyone thinks is crazy. And right after Myka's loss the thought scares me because I don't even live in an apt. complex where I could adopt a single one, so for now I can't really think of being near other cats, my wound is too recent.
I have a sister who's an animal lover, but she's more into dogs although she's owned at least a couple of cats too, and through the years she's grieved over several, last night I was trying to call her (but nooone answered the phone) to ask her HOW does she do it because I can't even imagine subjecting myself to the same deep pain of possibly watching another pet suffer and die so I've been thinking that it's probably best for me to not ever have another cat, as I also feel like I'd be betraying Myka by giving another one HERE what I couldn't give her these last 2+ years. And although nothing is written in stone I do know that for many years I was totally indifferent to pets and even grew to dislike cats but I realized that was a defense mechanism I developed because during childhood we lost several pets to death and as a teenager 2 cats died after eating poison for rats a neighbor had set out in his yard (they were not indoor cats...). Part of me hopes I can get over this since I know there aren't that many people who truly love animals but right now it's way too soon for me to contemplate the possibilities kindly suggested here, but I thank you anyway.
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Originally Posted by SouthernBelleInUtah
So sorry for your loss. I believe she is now running the great catnip fields of the sky, happy and healthy, with lots of new friends. My Buster and Katrina were there to greet her.
Thank you very much SBIU, after the differences we've had here it's a comforting surprise to see we do have something in common after all. And thanks for saying your Buster and Katrina (and sorry for your own losses!) were there to greet her, that was very very sweet of you, even if farfetched I love the idea of my sweet little angel having some new friends in "kitty heaven". For all of her life she lived with "Ody", a loving orange tabby we'd adopted early the same year she showed up in our yard (2005) as a 7-8 wk. old kitten, and then with "Shiloh", a tuxedo, who showed up in our car driveway almost exactly 4 years ago (emaciated, covered with fleas and full of parasites) and although at first they were rivals and Shiloh, which was much younger but bigger and more "outgoing", used to bully my timid Myka, they eventually became more tolerant of each other after Myka was spayed. So she was used to feline company, and I guess I didn't try harder to get her here because my daughter had said that she was happy and might miss the company of the other 2 cats. I remember after that I felt like those birth mothers trying to decide if they should give up their baby so they could have a better life...
Hmm, despite of what I said earlier about volunteering, after receiving an e-mail from the ASPCA (subscribed a few months ago) about April being the month of prevention of animal cruelty, I suddenly found myself searching for the local Human Society info thinking that even if I'm not ready to be around animals I could always help in some other area, at least in the beginning. So I made the call and was told the next orientation is on April 15th. When I explained to the lady that although that gave me some time in a way I'd thought that a reason to "get out of my 4 walls" would really help me feel better if I didn't necessarily have to be around the animals at first, she said that they indeed needed help with data entry and paperwork and other chores, so she proposed meeting with me on April 4 to set up a one-on-one training session with another volunteer. By then I should've made even more progress in my grieving process so I'm really looking forward to that.
I feel like I've taken a big step forward and perhaps all of you can sort of feel a little proud of me , I like to think that if Myka could think she'd be proud of me too... So I want to thank you all once again for your support, animal lovers ROCK!
TiredOfSFL, so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about wanting the kitty back even though you know it's impossible ... back in January 2006 when I had to have my sweet kitty Satay put down, I called my sister that night crying hysterically and screaming "I want her back! I want her back!" It was just so, so, so hard to deal with.
What made it a little easier for me as the days passed was reminding myself that I wanted her back to make things easier for ME because I missed her so much ... but she had stopped eating, couldn't drink, couldn't lick me (which was her favorite activity!), and was clearly dying. So SHE was now at peace, but I wasn't.
Our extreme sadness is a measure of our deep and abiding love for these amazing creatures that share our lives. I know it's small comfort when we lose them. Big hugs to you, and I applaud you for taking the step of volunteering at your local HS.
Thank you, that was a very nice message. But the reason I feel like my grief my "never" end is because I feel Myka didn't have to die since she was neglected. If it had been something sudden, or an illness or accident that we had no way of preventing it would make it easier to accept, but I cannot accept that my daughter let me down.
I'm probably even grieving for our relationship too, I say that because that was my first thought after I woke up today. Like most women I always wanted to have a daughter, so during my 2nd pregnancy I was excited just believing I was going to get my wish and I really felt very blessed when she was born, now I had my pair and a little girl to dress up, share things with and model/teach her what being a woman "should" be. But we stopped being really close when she turned 13 (long story, but had to do with a 1-year separation) and although I tried and tried for us to be close again, her lack of understanding of my circumstances and her own choices kind built a wall between us and I noticed she always rejected anything that would make her seem "more like me" despite all we had in common. On top, I've never approved of any of her b/f's, not that they've been bad people, just wrong for her, which except for the last one, she eventually realized and dumped each one of them. The "weird" thing is that, whoever it is, she gets totally absorbed by the relationship, I'm sure that's because of a lack of relationship with her own father. And of course, once she knew how I felt, well, she wouldn't talk to me about them.
To make matters worse, a few years ago she changed her religion. As a very young girl, because my mother welcomed people of this "group" in our home I ended up studying the Bible with them, but once she decided to separate herself from them consequently so did I and life, or I'd rather think God, led me in a different direction. My daughter would like to "go back" of course, but there's no way I will. I don't even like that she seems more negative now than before whereas I choose to live my life by faith and, especially in the last 9 years have maintained a much more positive attitude than ever before in my life. Her current b/f is one of "them" and although I met him and even liked him as a person, after I learned more about him and his family I think he's not right for her either, but gave up on that, which is easier since we stopped living together in 2010. But still, I felt the distance between us had inevitably increased because of that. And now her having allowed my Myka to suffer and die is driving us further apart and that, in itself, is extremely sad and hard for me to deal with.
The worst pat for me is that I was not there. She didn't even let me talk to the doctor at the emergency facility (which I asked her to) so I DON'T know for sure that there was really a need to put Myka down, I could only go by the information she relayed to me, and because I didn't want my baby to suffer needlessly if she had no chance of recovering like she made it seemed, I agreed, but almost immediately changed my mind. I don't know if anyone can have any idea of how powerless and helpless I felt then. Now it's over and all I can do is try to accept it. Perhaps accepting the fact that Myka is now never going to be with me again is the "easy" part, the hard part is dealing with the rest of what all this means to me. Since '03 I've lost 5 very close loved ones, been throuhg a divorce, moved and started a new life hundreds of miles from where I'd spent 13 years of my life, so I've gone through a lot of stress, in fact I suffer from adrenal fatigue.
I'm not even sure that I've done the right thing in disclosing so much personal info here but today I could hardly care about anything. I feel like I'm at one of my most fragile points so "pride" is really not at the top of my list. Besides, I know I don't have "a corner" in the suffering market, we're all human and anyone who's lived more than a couple of decades is sure to have become acquainted with the not-so-bright side of life, some pour souls even start way too early, so from that POV I'm counting that everyone reading can understand.
Oh, and in case anyone would feel like suggesting that I seek counseling, I already thought of that but also found out I can't afford it and so far haven't found any "free" resources where I live, so for now I'm on my own. But being a "survivor" even if it happens by just forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other each day, I know I'm very likely to eventually feel better and go on with my life, at least that's what I'm hoping right now, the question is how long it could take...
Lastly, sorry for the long post!
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, I like to think that if Myka could think she'd be proud of me too... So I want to thank you all once again for your support, animal lovers ROCK!
