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I know this is a very long story but please bare with me. I am really struggling with the recent death of my dog from congestive heart failure. I'm having trouble understanding what happened and feel very responsible. My little buddy was a 9 year old chihuahua x mini foxy. I got him when he was 8 weeks old and it was love at first sight. About a year and a half ago he was diagnosed with an enlarged heart and grade 5 murmur. He was taking Fortekor in the morning and continued regular activity. He did suffer from a cough that would come and go in severity but it was attributed to tracheal collapse and dynamic airway disease.
He was a happy dog until about 4 months ago when he had a heart tear. He went into respiratory distress suddenly one night and the heart ultrasound showed blood build up around his heart. It was cleared in the ICU and we managed to nurse him back to health slowly. He was put on Amlodipine in addition to the Fortekor, Codeine, Theophylline and a Seretide puffer. After two weeks he seemed fine exercising and eating as normal.
Forty days later his coughing suddenly increased and he went into mild congestive heart failure. He was admitted to the ICU again and the fluid was cleared with Lasix. He stabilised and the specialist added Pimobendan and Lasix twice daily. He seemed okay for about a month but seemed to slow down a little and his appetite decreased. He seemed worse on the medication but we were told that the Pimobendan had shrunk his heart so we persisted with the medication.
About three weeks ago I suspected he had developed a heart arrhythmia. He was also exercising and eating less. You could literally feel his heart beating regularly and strong and then suddenly there would be a knocking. I also again questioned the medication but was told by the cardiology specialist that there was no risk the medication was hurting him and that his heart disease was well controlled. I requested a Holter monitor anyway and 24 hours later we were told he had a minor arrhythmia that was insignificant. He ate his dinner that night but 24 hours later had to be rushed to the ICU with fluid in his lungs. He had also started vomiting (just food).
He spent 3 nights in the ICU on intravenous oxygen and Lasix injections. We were given anti nausea tablets and tablets for gastric ulcer (to blame for the vomiting). His Amlodipine was doubled and we went home. We only had him home for two nights and while he seemed happy he started refusing his medications and food. We took him for a checkup and X-rays showed fluid on his lungs again. He was again admitted into ICU for four nights. Unfortunately this time the Lasix didn't work and they couldn't clear the fluid. I questioned the medication as well as asked them to investigate a secondary cause of the fluid but was told he was in 'classic heart failure'. We discussed euthanising him but told it was a few weeks off. They removed the intravenous oxygen and stopped the Lasix injections as the vet said he was 'medication resistant'. In any case they told us he was stable without the oxygen and we took him home. We didn't know it would only be for one night...
He was skin and bones when we got him back (as he wouldn't eat in ICU) and obviously miserable. I knew he hadn't eaten a proper meal for nearly 3 weeks but the vets were not concerned. His respiratory rate was around 44 and he couldn't really walk. His legs had tremors and I had to hold back tears every time I looked at him. I couldn't believe how much he had deteriorated. Even though he was seeing the leading canine cardiologist in our city I made an appointment for a second opinion. Something seemed very wrong. He got much sicker after we administered his meds and just lay on the ground or his bed. He vomited around 1am and we were going to take him back to ICU but he settled down. His respiratory rate went down to 28 and around 3am he even ate some food and had a big drink.
Unfortunately around 11.30am he went into respiratory distress and we rushed him to the ICU where he was put in an oxygen tent. They said he was doing ok but that they weren't going to put him on intravenous oxygen again. I have NO IDEA why I agreed to that. I hate myself for that decision. We were going to wait in the waiting room but they told us we could go and they'd call us after they did more X-rays and some bloods. When we left his heart rate was 100 and his breathing while elevated was okay in the oxygen tent.
We left thinking he would spend the night in ICU and we would see the specialist in the morning. Two hours later I got a call to say he had suddenly decompensated and they wanted my permission to euthanise him immediately. We live 5 minutes away so I told then we wanted to come down. I spoke to the vet for 2 minutes and before she hung up the phone my dog had died. They incubated him and tried to bring him back but he was gone.
I feel so much guilt. I am so sorry I ignored my gut feelings about his treatment. I am so guilty he died in pain. It was my worst nightmare for him. I feel so guilty I didn't get a second opinion sooner. I'm so sorry I didn't push whether the medications were making him sicker or overdosing him. He was my constant companion. I loved him like a child. I can't believe he is gone and can't help but feel angry at the vets that he was mismanaged. I don't know what happened in the ICU in those two hours that he would end up dead. We would have done anything, spent anything to save him.
The last week of his life he hardly got to go outside and was on so much medication. He deserved so much better and I should have been able to give it to him. I feel like I did everything wrong when he was depending on me to protect him. I know this is a novel but I need to get this off my chest and just say to all other parents of fur babies- trust your gut instincts- do not have regrets later! It is eating me up inside that I missed signs or that there may have been alternatives. Three weeks earlier he was chasing birds in my parents backyard, bright eyed and happy. Now he's dead and a part of me is dead too.
Last edited by broken_hearted_; 10-19-2014 at 03:34 AM..
My deepest condolences, broken_hearted_ and thank you for sharing your story. We can second guess ourselves forever when it comes to the death of our canine companions; Lord knows I've done enough of it myself. It is an exquisite kind of pain to watch a cherished pet grow ill, suffer and deteriorate, almost always made worse when we're not there to comfort them as they cross over the bridge.
Please know your feelings of guilt and regret are natural and not at all uncommon and, if you're like me, they may never go away completely. Eventually you will come to accept that the quality of a beloved dog's life is so much more than his manner of death and if he could speak to you from the Great Beyond, I'm sure he would be saying he loved the life you gave him and he wouldn't have changed a thing.
I agree with Bellflower. I know I've secong guessed myself about decisions at the end of my dog's lives, as I've seen many others do. There is just no way to know if a second opinion, or any other choices, would have made the outcome much different. I'm sure that not being there is especially painful for you, but you were with him throughout his life and through a long illness. It's obvious he was a very well loved little dog, and he knew that. It's true your feelings will never completely go away, but they will ease a bit with time, and I hope you can find some measure of peace with everything.
RIP to your baby, my condolences. Please know you did what you could and it's not your fault. I was blaming myself for my baby's death for a while but we have to accept the fact that we can't control everything that happens.
You gave your buddy the best care possible. There are no guarantees in life and you did the best you could with the medical professionals in your area. Your dog knew how much you loved him.
We all want to hold on to our beloved pets as long as possible--even when the end in near, we STILL wish we could do more. But all bodies wear out or succumb to illness or injury. There is a point where the most dignified, loving way you can treat your beloved pet is to gently, let them go. Yes, easier said than done...and even harder to deal with after they're gone.
broken_hearted_ You have my sincere sympathies for the loss of your dog. Don't feel alone: I too have been second guessing myself after my beloved cat suddenly died a few months ago. I wonder if I should have told the vet to try to treat him after all. But my own vet said it would have just prolonged his pain, and this would be worse, I know. I think that all people who deeply love their animals will naturally agonize over their decisions.
About the time I think I am used to my Big Boy Kitty not being here, I see a spot where he liked to lie, or a toy, and it seems like he just left yesterday.
I know how you feel about regrets. I had several premonitions that my Yorick was not going to be with me much longer. I just ignored them, thinking it was a passing moment or that if referred to far in the future. Now I really wish I had taken them seriously. On the night Yorick died I was preoccupied with a lot of things, that now seem meaningless. I wish I had just straight home and held him. But, like my girlfriend said, we can't change the past, though it hard not to wish we could.
I have been told that the grief never goes away, time just sort of mutes it. I think that is pretty much true. I guess in the end we have the love and joy they brought to us.
I am so sorry.......... You did the best you could and that means everything!!
God bless you!!
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