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Old 04-14-2020, 03:03 AM
 
7 posts, read 2,750 times
Reputation: 10

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i have killed my 7 years old cat lara and want to die myself now from terrible guilt.
every day from the day she was born on the streets i and my neighbor took care of her.
i was giving for her and other stray cats their meal on mornings and my neighbor in the evenings.
and everything was ok, well, not everything, but everything was manageable. she overcame corona virus (not covid, but cat corona virus...her 2 sisters died), overcame severe pneumonia.
year ago i had to leave my home due to dad's disability, near which i was taking care of stray cats and move to another apartment.
so i have decided to take lara and 7 other cats from street to this new apartment with my own 7 cats as it has more rooms. they would live in one room and i with my own 7 in another.
so, year ago i had 15 of them. i know, somebody would tell me i'm crazy, but i couldn't leave them on the street, because as i thought i can and i will take good care of them.
and everything was normal. we were struggling with money, but somehow managed. until last month when lara started to act not like she used to be.
i named her after lara croft character as she was crazy runner. she was chasing birds and butterflies, ran over the fields when she lived on the street.
i thought she feels sorry for not being allowed to go outside anymore and feel depressed to live with 7 others (but she knew them well).
then i thought she has some dental problems as we had a bad experience with some other stray cats. so i took a look at her mouth and found 2 bad teeth.
she started to became skinny (though she has never been fluffy), drank a lot of water and refused to eat food, only a little.
i have told to myself as soon as i will get some money i would take her to vet to take out these 2 teeth.
when i finally was able to go to the vet, she told me first of all to have blood work and to see if she doesn't have kidney problems.
i refused due to the lack off money and due to my strong STUPID belief the problem is only because of her teeth and asked to make a surgery without blood work.
that was my first fatal mistake.
somehow and being very weak, with me in the bed, she managed to overcome night after surgery and even tried to eat some pate in the morning.
i started to think from now on she will be ok, she will start to eat little by little...
that was my fatal mistake no.2
day by day, she refused to eat anything and i started to feed her by force.
and on the 9th day after surgery when i thought nothing is changing and she is missing her weight even more, i borrowed some money and took her to another vet where they did her blood work...at last.
i was shocked: kidney parameters were 7 times exceeded normal range and liver - 2 times. vet told me she will die very soon, but we can try some iv fluids to wash her kidneys from toxins.
the same day they gave her iv fluids and some pain free medications. on the second day morning she felt so weak, but i refused to admit she is dying and didn't take her to vet to put her down.
she passed away the same night in agony, fast breathing, meowing, but on my chest, wrapping her with my arms and saying shhh my baby shhh :'(
after her death i have asked vet was it anesthesia that killed her kidneys, he said maybe without this surgery she will live 4 to 5 weeks, but not more.
but i know i killed her kidneys with this unnecessary surgery, not going to the vet short afterwards procedure when i saw nothing is changing.
i know that now, after her death, after taking so many years of her life ahead.
i only want to be with her. i know, i would leave other 14 who still love me (i hope) and i love them, but i can't do anything with the feeling she would live 1, 5 or even 10 more years.
and how i can say anything about love if i killed one of my babies :'(
one thought is still playing in my head - she would be alive if i would left her on the street with my neighbor. she has more money, she would really noticed she is not ok sooner and would go to the vet asap.
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Old 04-14-2020, 05:46 AM
 
Location: Free From The Oppressive State
26,029 posts, read 19,140,938 times
Reputation: 30988
I have a lot of questions, but I'm not going to ask them right now because now is not the time.

My condolences on your loss. Once you've allowed yourself ample time to grieve, you can go back and decide how you would have done things differently, take that into the future, and apply.

Beating yourself up right now is not going to make it any better - although I know you'll still do it, because you won't be the first person, nor the last, who will blame every last bit of the pet's death on themselves.

I can tell you that even if the neighbor could have kept feeding your pet, there is absolutely no guarantee at all that the cat would have lived longer. Fact is, most cats who live outdoors do not live that long. I've seen a lot of stray cats, I've rescued stray cats, and the fact is, the stray cats are the ones who tend to end up dying far, far sooner than any that I rescued.

I can throw food out for the strays, and things will seem to be fine for awhile -but soon, things stop going fine. And the stray disappears, either never to be seen again, or, sometimes you do see them again, but you wish you hadn't - because they are deceased, and not in a pretty way.

You took that stray in, gave that cat a home, you did your best with the means that you had. You have every right to say "anything about love". Most people completely and totally ignore stray animals - most people view stray animals as garbage, as something not worthy of thought or life. You knew better, and you tried to give those cats a better life. You aren't perfect, you're not going to be perfect, but at least you tried. That's a heck of a lot more than most people do.

Your little Tomb Raider cat got a good year of not feeling fear, and being able to just rest, relax, and live. Focus on that part of it right now.
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Old 04-14-2020, 06:22 AM
 
7 posts, read 2,750 times
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three wolves in snow thank you so much for your response and feel free to ask me anything. as i want to clear everything to myself too. maybe with your help i would be able to do that sooner.
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Old 04-14-2020, 02:50 PM
 
7 posts, read 2,750 times
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my neigbor told me i should release other cats back to the street where she will take care of them. what do you think, should i do that as i'm a murderer, monster and not a loving and caring person.
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Old 04-14-2020, 08:03 PM
 
7 posts, read 2,750 times
Reputation: 10
to tell you truth, that's what i want to do as i have failed, failed as a human being, failed as their protector, failed as their mom, i have betrayed her trust on me :'(
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Old 04-14-2020, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Free From The Oppressive State
26,029 posts, read 19,140,938 times
Reputation: 30988
How about, instead of putting them back out on the streets, you work with a rescue to find homes for most of them. You can keep 1 or 2, but find the other ones some homes.

I realize that right now it's going to be difficult to work with a rescue, but do not put them back out on the streets. That's the last thing that you should do.
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Old 04-14-2020, 08:48 PM
 
7 posts, read 2,750 times
Reputation: 10
i want to live happy life with them, but maybe they don't want to live with me. they understand what i did to their mate of course. how can i take care of them now when i have betrayed one of them trust and love... she would live a normal long life if i would do that stupid blood test, she would be asking me to rub her belly as she loved that so much... nothing is left only one thought what a monster i am. i love each of them so much, how could i do such a terrible thing. she would live a happy life without me. she would run fields to the river to drink some water, she would chase after birds. i remember how scared i was when she brought me a dead bird. it was like saying: " look what i did, i'm so good girl". maybe it was the meal i gave them all the time that caused such renal failure, maybe it was ignorance they don't like their room. i will never know now. just to hug her the last time and say i will do everything for you just don't go, don't leave me, don't leave your mates. or maybe she have never liked to live with them.
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Old 04-14-2020, 09:02 PM
 
7,239 posts, read 3,425,438 times
Reputation: 19878
Quote:
Originally Posted by linaindre View Post
i want to live happy life with them, but maybe they don't want to live with me. they understand what i did to their mate of course. how can i take care of them now when i have betrayed one of them trust and love... she would live a normal long life if i would do that stupid blood test, she would be asking me to rub her belly as she loved that so much... nothing is left only one thought what a monster i am. i love each of them so much, how could i do such a terrible thing. she would live a happy life without me. she would run fields to the river to drink some water, she would chase after birds. i remember how scared i was when she brought me a dead bird. it was like saying: " look what i did, i'm so good girl". maybe it was the meal i gave them all the time that caused such renal failure, maybe it was ignorance they don't like their room. i will never know now. just to hug her the last time and say i will do everything for you just don't go, don't leave me, don't leave your mates. or maybe she have never liked to live with them.


Maybe time to get yourself some help. STAT.

Let the cats be with someone who is more "sorted" financially and emotionally.
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Old 04-15-2020, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Free From The Oppressive State
26,029 posts, read 19,140,938 times
Reputation: 30988
Quote:
Originally Posted by linaindre View Post
i want to live happy life with them, but maybe they don't want to live with me. they understand what i did to their mate of course. how can i take care of them now when i have betrayed one of them trust and love... she would live a normal long life if i would do that stupid blood test, she would be asking me to rub her belly as she loved that so much... nothing is left only one thought what a monster i am. i love each of them so much, how could i do such a terrible thing. she would live a happy life without me. she would run fields to the river to drink some water, she would chase after birds. i remember how scared i was when she brought me a dead bird. it was like saying: " look what i did, i'm so good girl". maybe it was the meal i gave them all the time that caused such renal failure, maybe it was ignorance they don't like their room. i will never know now. just to hug her the last time and say i will do everything for you just don't go, don't leave me, don't leave your mates. or maybe she have never liked to live with them.
Ok, you need to read what you wrote yourself in the OP. You stated that the vet said the cat had kidney problems. Well, how do you think that cat would have fared out on the streets with kidney problems? The cat would not have gotten treatment, and the cat would have died alone, out on the streets. It would have been a vulnerable target the further along the problems went - easy prey for a dog or human with ill intentions.

Instead, that cat was inside your home. You couldn't treat the cat, but the cat didn't have to live on the streets at the end of their life. They didn't have to worry about predators in their last days because the cat was in a safe home with you.

You didn't have the money to treat the kidney problem, the cat was going to die no matter what. At least it didn't die alone on the streets, and that's because you took that cat in. So, you can stop acting like you caused the cat's kidney problems, because you did not.

You gave the cat some peace in their last days - something they would NOT get living out on the streets.
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Old 04-15-2020, 09:43 AM
 
7 posts, read 2,750 times
Reputation: 10
three wolves in snow i understand what you are saying so well, but the thing i'm saying if i would do anything for her maybe i would prolonged her life for more then years. that's what killing me.

i know kidney problem is very serious condition, but millions of cats live with it around the world with iv fluids every week, with special food...

i do not deserve their love and trust :'(
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