Thank you both 3chidogs and chaseystarz for your very supportive and kind comments. They helped yesterday.
I want to share something I haven't written before and also state for my own mental health, as well as protecting those who helped me this past summer, I really can't go into this further as it is a very complex situation. I was somewhat resolved about Holi's death last year. I missed her, but it wasn't as difficult as several months have been recently this year.
Many events have happened since Christi's and Holi's birthday last year, which directly increased my sense of loss about Holi. I will only share two.
Of all days, on my own birthday this past summer, I found an email her DVM had sent me years ago about Holi's cardiac status and planning for her repeat echo, which was done 8 days after the email was sent. Re-reading that email on my birthday, I understood something at a different level than I ever did earlier. Consequently, I requested a copy of Holi's chart, if for no other reason, the same practice cares for her sister, Christi. While Christi should NEVER have the same problem with her heart since it was a congenital condition, should I move or other events happen, I wanted to have Holi's records available, if down the road they were ever needed for Christi.
Additionally, I was made aware a couple of months ago that Holi's chart would be destroyed last month as it would be 3 years since we lost her. The clinic policy is to destroy charts after 3 years, which I totally understand. Nonetheless, it felt like another level of loss as her medical records, a documentation of her existence, would be destroyed. Since we have so few pictures of her, her chart was really, really important to me as a record of her life. Thus my personal need to preserve her chart, both for Christi's future medical care, if ever needed, and so I could look again if I wanted at some things to better understand someday down the road.
I'll simply say the DVM who treated Holi was very attached to her as well. It is strictly my opinion, that Dr. X refused to sign off letting me have a copy of her chart when I requested it months ago. I can't describe the feeling I had.
Unfortunately, it had to become a much larger issue than it should have been. Over the course of about three months, three other DVMs in the same clinic got involved. The other DVMs became involved as a courtesy to me to ensure I got a copy of her chart. Also, legally any owner is entitled to a copy of their pet's chart when requested. I am extremely grateful for all of those who went out of their way, despite them never caring for Holi as their patient, to make sure I had her records. At least I got most of her chart. I don't care about her vaccination pages.
It's more complicated than that, but the summary I've written is all I want to write. This needs to be a finished issue.
I appreciate the support of everyone during what has been a time of reliving her death entirely again, as I've had to battle (but at least this time with the help of the other DVMs) to get her chart. It should never have to be this hard. I hope no one else has to experience what I've had to the last few months to obtain the records of such a precious, loving pet.
Since I want to leave this on a more upbeat note, I'll say I never intended to open that packet of records, or at least not for a long time. For some reason, I opened them the day I got them. I didn't look at any of the notes about her - I already had received the two most important pages from one of the DVMs determined I would get them. Instead, what I found, was a page that meant far more to me. It was a check in sheet I had filled in when I checked her in one time for a visit.
There are several check off boxes so the most important concerns can be addressed at that visit. Since Cardiac was always #1, I went looking one day (and I even remember this) and I found something different to add to the list. I do add humor when it gets too intense, as we all need a break.
Under "Behavioral Concerns," in my own hand writing, I had written: "Not if we do what Holi wants us to."
For me, that was one of the most healing parts I've experienced, along with this forum.
Remember my little bug as being a character who knew what SHE wanted every day she was alive. If only the rest of us would comply, she had many wonderful days.
My sincere hope for all of you who are hurting, or having followed Holi's story, is that you will each have a moment when you find something that makes you laugh and laugh and be so happy your little furry friend, or friends, were a part of your life. In my belief system, Holi and my other two still are a part of my life. I have no doubts about seeing them again when I die.
When that day comes, we'll see if Holi is still wants to be the boss.
I'm sure she will, so better stated, we'll see if it's as important to her as it once was.
It's as if she knew she had limited time, so she had to direct all of us of how to get the most of our time with her.
I look forward to the day when she can run as far as she wants and play her silly games without limitations.
Thank you all more than I can ever express, for helping me during a really trying time, which essentially has felt like experiencing Holi dying a second time. I hope I can help others heal the way so many of you have helped me.
MSR
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