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I am seriously considering separating from my husband. I have a 4 year old that "I love to the moon and back." I'm looking for some kind of support group in Raleigh and I'm having trouble. Please let me know if u have any suggestions. I am not religious.
There are divorced adult groups and parents without partners groups. I have never heard of a support group for people who are contemplating separation though I have heard of support groups for people who have suffered a loss, gone through a divorce, etc. You could start with a call to some therapists to inquire about groups they may know about. Also check the community section of Craig's List, the events and groups in the area newspapers, including local/regional editions. Good luck!
Yeah, I would think that a therapist is the person to talk to if you are "contemplating" separation. Other people in the same boat probably will not be able to offer much support.
Have never heard of a support group for those thinking about separating, but would agree with the folks above that contacting a therapist would be a good move. You may want to consider couples counseling as well. Even long married couples go in for a "tune up" now and again. It's worth a shot.
I would also recommend contacting a divorce attorney.
Years ago, when I was contemplating leaving my husband, I met with a terrific attorney. She laid my financial situation out on the line and encouraged me to get things done now rather than later. Did I need dental work? Now was the time. Glasses and contacts? Stock up. Did I have a career that could support me and our kids? If not, get back to school and line one up because relying on child support and spousal support was risky business and even riskier once a new woman came into his life.
I got busy with above. Never had "the talk" with my husband, never even mentioned what I was doing. But he obviously recognized that something was up and things started going better between us. Plus, I ended up with a career that I love.
He refused to go to counseling. Life was just right as far as he was concerned. I think he believed that I had to put up with any nonsense as I had no other choice. Once he realized I had options...
We're still married and I'm glad. I think our kids benefited from growing up in a stable home and are all doing well. I "love them to the moon and back" and would walk through fire for any one of them at a moments notice. Staying married to a horses patoot until I could figure out our next move was not that hard in the great scheme of things.
Plus, now that we've gone through those rough years, I'm glad to be walking into the sunset with my favorite friend, imperfect as he is. I might have a few faults myself.
In talking with friends who've been divorced, some say it was a nightmare of shared custody and missing having the kids at every other holiday and every weekend and wish they'd patched things up.
As one woman, a psychiatrist no less, who has been married and divorced four times, put it, "My Happiness Quotient was about the same with each husband. Some areas were better, others worse. I wish I had stayed with my first husband. I would have saved a fortune on monogrammed towels."
Other friends say divorce was the best thing they ever did. The constant fighting and worrying just wasn't worth it and the next guy they married was a better fit. Two are still single and like that just fine. Interestingly enough, one of them who has been divorced over twenty years says her husband still begs her to take him back every time their paths cross.
Now, if he's abusing you or sleeping around (dangerous these days), I'd say pack your bags tonight and call that attorney first thing in the morning. Some things are just non-negotiable.
Anything else, ask yourself Ann Landers' question, "Am I better off with or without him?"
Anyway, back to your support group question, you may want to form your own. I had a group of friends that helped me through the tough times. We traded childcare when one of us needed a break. We went walking, out to lunch, etc. One of them wisely pointed out that marriage was a lot tougher than most people imagined. But then, divorce was no picnic either.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 10-21-2012 at 06:07 AM..
When you get to the point of actual divorce, seriously consider a mediator -- a person who specializes in divorce medication. It will make life much, much easier for you, your child, and your husband. He or she helps you determine how you will spend the rest of your life -- in relative peace -- until your child is of age.
You'll still need a divorce lawyer, and sometimes divorce lawyers will try their best to make it World War III between you and your husband, and that just results in more hours and more money for the lawyer. It's an awful thing to go through. It's better if you have a lot of your decisions already made, in a calm and fair way, before you get a divorce lawyer to draw up the papers.
Not all the advice you'll get through support groups will be right for you. Reducing the stress by getting a mediator (versus getting a bulldog lawyer) will help a lot.
I think 99 percent of most married couples contemplate separation at some point. (There is always that perfect one percent.) Know that separation often equals divorce -- there's no going back. It can be hellish, especially with a child. The most awful thing I didn't anticipate is seeing some woman my ex was dating -- whom we both knew socially -- try to act as a mother figure to my daughter. That killed me. Fortunately, he married someone I adored, and she adored me. Drove him nuts.
Years ago, when I was contemplating leaving my husband, I met with a terrific attorney. She laid my financial situation out on the line and encouraged me to get things done now rather than later. Did I need dental work? Now was the time. Glasses and contacts? Stock up. Did I have a career that could support me and our kids? If not, get back to school and line one up because relying on child support and spousal support was risky business and even riskier once a new woman came into his life.
This is EXELLENT advice for anoybody facing any possible upheaval. Never been married, but I used a little common sense and started doing all of the above when I realized I was about to get fired from my job of eight years. By the time the bottom fell out, I was enrolled in grad school, had had medical checkups, teeth cleaned, stocked up on pricey face gel from my dermatologist (and even gave her my sob story about getting ready to be unemployed, and she gave me a goodie bag of free samples) a physical, and new eyeglasses. LOL
If you do decide to separate or divorce, I would consider using Separating Together. Therapists are involved throughout the process to ensure that the child's voice is heard.
I could be wrong, but because you wrote that you were in trouble, I would have assumed that what you actually need(ed) was either some financial help or protection against a violent husband, or both.
In that case, one could try with the list of women s shelters on Raleigh NC Women's Shelters, Transitional Housing
Some of them are religious, and all of them offer housing, often only the administrative address is given, and the real house is hidden somewhere. They most of the time have pretty good consultancy services (try it with another employee or another shelter, if she is not good) and sometimes also some support groups; mostly composed by people having already gone through a difficult separation process, or got relatively far with it. That helps a lot!
For free legal advice you could address for example the Legal Aid of NC:
LANC-Raleigh Office
224 South Dawson Street, Raleigh, NC 27601 MAP
[Mailing address: P.O. Drawer 1731, Raleigh, NC 27602]
919-828-4647; FAX: 919-839-8370
TO REQUEST LEGAL HELP, CALL: 1-866-219-5262 (toll free)
On Welcome to LawHelpNC.org | A guide to free and low cost legal aid, assistance and services in North Carolina you can get some general information for low income individuals who want to solve their legal problems.
Good luck for you and your child!
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(There is always that perfect one percent.) Know that separation often equals divorce -- there's no going back. It can be hellish, especially with a child. The most awful thing I didn't anticipate is seeing some woman my ex was dating -- whom we both knew socially -- try to act as a mother figure to my daughter. That killed me. Fortunately, he married someone I adored, and she adored me. 
