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My lawyer has a copy of mine should I ever need it.
I guess one question I would have is whether an agreement filed with the clerk of the court remains private and is not obtainable by others?
I know nothing about divorce/separation agreements, however when my husband and I updated our wills, the attorney informed us that if we filed them with the clerk (Wake Co.), they would available to anyone who requested a copy.
It depends on the county. Some counties will only release docs to government officials and/or the person who filed. Some will release to anyone who pays. Some it can seem like an act of congress to access your own docs. Asa government official, I remember one county in particular where I was able to get a birth and marriage certificate easier than the mother/spouse who's name was on the documents.
PS - I think you said you are moving out of the house? In this case, you should talk with an attorney as this could impact you in the event you divorce.
Also, if both your names on are on credit cards and other accounts, you need to consider separating this. it is best done now while you are both in agreement rather than later in case one of you unexpectedly meets someone and then asks for it. Usually then the other partner is resentful and may not be as cooperative.
This and the post about sitting down with a mediator are great advice.
People change. As you well know. It is so much better to talk and straighten things out now out with a neutral third party who is skilled and experienced than to stumble along hoping the other party will be fair and reasonable as you go along.
There are financial matters to be settled. Who will pay the mortgage, get the equity in the house, what about savings, retirement funds, cars, credit cards, health insurance, life insurance, etc.
If you do not have a formal separation agreement, what if your spouse decides to take a well-deserved trip to Aruba on credit cards still in your name? What if she doesn't file income taxes? If she does, who gets the refund?
There are still matters concerning the children. Holidays, college tuition, wedding costs to name a few. This needs to be discussed. There may be the expectations that you aren't aware of.
Sometimes mediation leads to reconciliation. It happens.
But even when it doesn't, it is a much cleaner way to part company than just moving out and hoping both people will be reasonable as you go forward.
If your plan is reconciliation then statistically, separation makes that very unlikely. Usually separation leads to divorce, so if reconciliation is your goal, perhaps counseling is a better option?
If your plan is reconciliation then statistically, separation makes that very unlikely. Usually separation leads to divorce, so if reconciliation is your goal, perhaps counseling is a better option?
What he/she said. Statistically you are more likely to end up divorced by going this route. Don't know if you want any advice, but I would exhaust all other options before trying this (which maybe you have). Wishing the best for you two! Twenty years is a long time to spend with someone, growing together and creating memories, and I hope you end up with 20 more!
Thank you everyone for your posts and encouraging words. I have written up a separation agreement and with the help of a little research have addressed all of the major issues. I haven't presented it to my spouse just yet because I am still tweaking it here and there. One thing I wanted to mention in the opening paragraph is the reason why I am initiating this separation - emotional/psychological abuse. I am just not sure how to word it without having it result in my spouse not wanting to sign it. But in the event this separation leads to mediation or divorce, I think I should have it on record.
Does anyone have any recommendations as to how to word something like this? Or should I not include that at all?
Really sorry to hear you are having to go through this, Strongasabear.
I have no experience in this, having been with hubby since high school (long long time ago!!!).
However, I have heard things from clients and friends...I remember one of them saying that the person who leaves risks losing more?
I don't know how much an attorney would charge for a consultation to determine if you can draw up the agreement by yourself and IF you SHOULD, but spending a few hundred dollars now may save you much more later. I think it would be worthwhile to get that advice from an expert.
As to your spouse signing admitting to any type of abuse, why would someone do that???
Strongasabear - please know I understand your need to record the reason, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter and doesn't change one thing. I know this is hard to hear, I am telling you what my attorney told me. It was hard for me to hear as I am sure it is for you. Unless you expect a divorce to be fought in court because you cannot come to an agreement, and you plan on paying thousands for your lawyers to represent you both in court, I would not put this into a separation agreement so I could keep the peace and get what I wanted in the agreement. And you'd better get it right, you have one shot once it's recorded at the courthouse!
Remember, a signed agreement IS what counts in the divorce. The actual divorce is often a formality where the filing spouse goes in front of the judge for maybe 3 minutes to confirm who they are and that they want a divorce and agree with the separation agreement referenced in the divorce papers (decree). The non filing spouse doesn't actually have to go to court. They are served papers to advise of the filing but they don't have to go.
Please reconsider having an attorney look at the separation agreement. the omission or addition of one word can totally change or negate that part of the agreement. You must have legal language in their to protect yourself. if you are low on finances, perhaps you can get legal aid? Please call the lawyers referral line to at least look into it.
Thank you everyone for your posts and encouraging words. I have written up a separation agreement and with the help of a little research have addressed all of the major issues. I haven't presented it to my spouse just yet because I am still tweaking it here and there. One thing I wanted to mention in the opening paragraph is the reason why I am initiating this separation - emotional/psychological abuse. I am just not sure how to word it without having it result in my spouse not wanting to sign it. But in the event this separation leads to mediation or divorce, I think I should have it on record.
Does anyone have any recommendations as to how to word something like this? Or should I not include that at all?
Thank you!
Please speak to an attorney.
And, no. You should not be putting reasons why you are separating into a separation agreement. Especially something like abuse. That will be received very poorly. I assume that you and your spouse have discussed the reason why you are separating?
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If your plan is reconciliation then statistically, separation makes that very unlikely. Usually separation leads to divorce, so if reconciliation is your goal, perhaps counseling is a better option?
It does not sound as if reconciliation is his goal. Nonetheless, counseling would not be a bad idea, particularly in light of the children. Though he no longer owes child support, there are other issues to discuss.to
And as to getting the spouse to sign a kindly worded statement about being abusive... why go there?
Best to just stick to the facts.
I have relatives who have been legally separated for years. She wants it that way because she can stay on his insurance. He wants it that way so his current paramours cannot insist on marriage. It works for them.
I would encourage a visit to a reputable attorney. Would be money well spent.
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