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Ex-Cantab here (my wife, too.) Some of what you're likely finding is just the steely private nature of New Englanders -- my wife is a NH native and is slow to warm to or open up to others -- but there's a meta-level aggressiveness and pushiness I never liked when living in Mass.
Honestly, if you want to avoid the annoyances of New England -- and I have a good sense what you mean -- looking at Cary or Apex would not be my first choice.
Durham and Raleigh aren't "cities" or "urban cores" in a Lowell/Lawrence/Worcester sense. They really blend urban neighborhoods and commercial districts with very suburban neighborhoods in some cases immediately surrounding them. Yet they have little of the crime or urban decay that you find in NE cities.
Certainly not everyone in Cary/Apex is like this -- but I find a lot of folks who go there looking for "the best" suburb, "the best" schools, "the largest" house they can buy, "the right" subdivision so they can tell their co-workers they live in XYZ subdivision. It's a lot of the same me/us-first mentality that soured me on the Boston area.
I find a lot more authenticity and neighborly behavior in our in-town neighborhood in Durham, and know folks who have gotten the same vibe in historic Raleigh neighborhoods. I would definitely suggest expanding your search beyond the places that are where striving/lifestyle-centered relocators seem to gravitate.
I agree with Bull City regarding his take on Cary/Apex; it's where people move when they want to live in the Triangle but are afraid of living someplace different than where they're moving from. I know there are plenty of people who live there for all the right reasons, but working for a company with an abundance of relocated New Englanders, I can tell you that way too many move there for just that reason (it drives me nuts).
The Triangle is a large area and offers so many options. You can find exactly what you want in many places without being shepparded into a specific area, spend time driving around to figure that out first-hand.
Good luck with your plans, this is a great place to raise a family and grow old.
Ex-Cantab here (my wife, too.) Some of what you're likely finding is just the steely private nature of New Englanders -- my wife is a NH native and is slow to warm to or open up to others -- but there's a meta-level aggressiveness and pushiness I never liked when living in Mass.
Honestly, if you want to avoid the annoyances of New England -- and I have a good sense what you mean -- looking at Cary or Apex would not be my first choice.
Durham and Raleigh aren't "cities" or "urban cores" in a Lowell/Lawrence/Worcester sense. They really blend urban neighborhoods and commercial districts with very suburban neighborhoods in some cases immediately surrounding them. Yet they have little of the crime or urban decay that you find in NE cities.
Certainly not everyone in Cary/Apex is like this -- but I find a lot of folks who go there looking for "the best" suburb, "the best" schools, "the largest" house they can buy, "the right" subdivision so they can tell their co-workers they live in XYZ subdivision. It's a lot of the same me/us-first mentality that soured me on the Boston area.
I find a lot more authenticity and neighborly behavior in our in-town neighborhood in Durham, and know folks who have gotten the same vibe in historic Raleigh neighborhoods. I would definitely suggest expanding your search beyond the places that are where striving/lifestyle-centered relocators seem to gravitate.
Hello fellow Cantab! I appreciate your input. The reason we are leaning towards the Cary-ish area is due to the positive things we have been reading about that area on this forum. I would definitely be open to other areas as well, and I think we will be doing a lot of exploring when we visit this summer (Chapel Hill was also an area of interest).
The important things we are looking for are: Nice home (we don't necessarily need a brand spanking new home in a cookie cutter subdivision, we are fine with an older updated one) with a decent size yard (would .25-.50 acre of land be unrealistic around there?), good schools (they don't have to be the "best" in greater Raleigh, but a proper education is important to us), generally safe (where people kicking in your door is not the norm), and somewhat of a little town center (doesn't have to be huge and bustling with bars and the such...grew up near Central Sq, been there done that)
We would consider any area of greater Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill that would fit the above criteria.
I've lived in Cary for the past 19 years. I see no 'northern' culture. I see more of a melting pot where people say "hi" as they walk past you, are courteous for the most part, and are welcoming to new neighbors.
I agree with Bull City regarding his take on Cary/Apex; it's where people move when they want to live in the Triangle but are afraid of living someplace different than where they're moving from. I know there are plenty of people who live there for all the right reasons, but working for a company with an abundance of relocated New Englanders, I can tell you that way too many move there for just that reason (it drives me nuts).
The Triangle is a large area and offers so many options. You can find exactly what you want in many places without being shepparded into a specific area, spend time driving around to figure that out first-hand.
Good luck with your plans, this is a great place to raise a family and grow old.
The reason I want to move IS to live somewhere different than where I am now. I think what drew me to Cary was (from what I have gathered) the fact that it seems to be a diverse community. Whites, Blacks, Arabs, Asians, Hispanics, etc. The town we live in now up here (Hanover), is 98% Caucasian (I checked the population right here on city data, and as of 2010 with a population of almost 14K, there were only 106 black people living in my town. 106!!! And living here for 2 years, the wife and I have personally never even SEEN an African American person). I grew up in a diverse part of Mass, and want to raise my family in a diverse community. I'd be open to any part of Raleigh that had that kind of diversity I am looking for. And Thanks for the well wishes
I've lived in Cary for the past 19 years. I see no 'northern' culture. I see more of a melting pot where people say "hi" as they walk past you, are courteous for the most part, and are welcoming to new neighbors.
I don't doubt it. I also don't think anyone who is informed would suggest that there's a northern culture either, just an abundance of relocated folks.
I also generally am loathe to speak in general terms as well, as broad brush strokes often paint too much surface. But both Cary (particularly the newer sections) and Chapel Hill attract a greater number of people moving there because it's perceived as being better. It doesn't mean everyone living in either place feels that way, just that it's an established trend.
New England transplant myself (Londonderry NH). Been here 7 years after the snowiest 2007 Dec. on record in I don't know how many years. Wouldn't go back for anything including (hardest part) to be near my daughter still living there. I live in Wake Forest and absolutely love love love it! Great schools, great community, convenient to the city, mountains, and beaches. Incidentally I'm downsizing so my home is for sale. DM me if interested, but definitely staying in Wake Forest! My daughter just had a house built in Londonderry, half the square footage of mine, and her taxes are 10k+/year. Mine on 3618 sq ft is $3800/yr. It's a no brainer.
Certainly not everyone in Cary/Apex is like this -- but I find a lot of folks who go there looking for "the best" suburb, "the best" schools, "the largest" house they can buy, "the right" subdivision so they can tell their co-workers they live in XYZ subdivision. It's a lot of the same me/us-first mentality that soured me on the Boston area.
I find a lot more authenticity and neighborly behavior in our in-town neighborhood in Durham, and know folks who have gotten the same vibe in historic Raleigh neighborhoods. I would definitely suggest expanding your search beyond the places that are where striving/lifestyle-centered relocators seem to gravitate.
I agree with this. It has subdued a little bit over the past few years; but back then it was ridiculous. You had people from the suburbs of NY, Boston, DC, San Francisco, Miami etc....expensive areas; all giddy about moving to Cary/Apex or N. Raleigh/ Wake Forest because they could get such a bigger/ newer house! There were people talking about how high the COL and housing prices in their hometown where and how much of a relief it is to move here; but then they just spend the same amount of money on a house that's twice as big as their previous one; didn't quite add up.
While Cary sounds like heaven on earth on paper and is no doubt a fairly congenial place; it's not the place to go if you are looking to get away from northeasterners or more importantly the "keeping up with the Jones's mentality. Many people will try to claim that "only the good new englanders move here" but that's a little ridiculous. There are friendly and down to earth people everywhere and there are rude and petty people everywhere.
The reason I want to move IS to live somewhere different than where I am now. I think what drew me to Cary was (from what I have gathered) the fact that it seems to be a diverse community. Whites, Blacks, Arabs, Asians, Hispanics, etc. The town we live in now up here (Hanover), is 98% Caucasian (I checked the population right here on city data, and as of 2010 with a population of almost 14K, there were only 106 black people living in my town. 106!!! And living here for 2 years, the wife and I have personally never even SEEN an African American person). I grew up in a diverse part of Mass, and want to raise my family in a diverse community. I'd be open to any part of Raleigh that had that kind of diversity I am looking for. And Thanks for the well wishes
I hear ya. Where we moved from on Long Island, the only black people you would see in our town tended to be workers and not residents (the City-Data numbers are 20,315 vs. 131, white and black resident totals). Having grown up in NYC it drove me nuts to have my kids being raised in such a naturally segregated environment. But where we live now (North Raleigh), both sons have been exposed to a much more meaningful cross-section of society and have friends from just about every race, religion and ethnicity living in our country.
And to be certain, Cary's only true color segregation is white collar versus blue collar. But the boundaries that exist where you are now don't exist down here.
New England transplant myself (Londonderry NH). Been here 7 years after the snowiest 2007 Dec. on record in I don't know how many years. Wouldn't go back for anything including (hardest part) to be near my daughter still living there. I live in Wake Forest and absolutely love love love it! Great schools, great community, convenient to the city, mountains, and beaches. Incidentally I'm downsizing so my home is for sale. DM me if interested, but definitely staying in Wake Forest! My daughter just had a house built in Londonderry, half the square footage of mine, and her taxes are 10k+/year. Mine on 3618 sq ft is $3800/yr. It's a no brainer.
My mother lives in Hooksett, NH And honestly, that'll be the hardest part about leaving, is family. But the cost of living, weather, and general quality of life is very important.
Your daughter's taxes don't surprise me at all (especially in NH, they need to make up for the lack of sales tax!) We live in a 3 bed, 2 bath, 1900 sq ft house, no garage, and TINY backyard and we are paying around $5200 a year in taxes. I'd definitely be open to Wake Forest, just need to add that to places to stop in when I'm down this summer!
I hear ya. Where we moved from on Long Island, the only black people you would see in our town tended to be workers and not residents (the City-Data numbers are 20,315 vs. 131, white and black resident totals). Having grown up in NYC it drove me nuts to have my kids being raised in such a naturally segregated environment. But where we live now (North Raleigh), both sons have been exposed to a much more meaningful cross-section of society and have friends from just about every race, religion and ethnicity living in our country.
And to be certain, Cary's only true color segregation is white collar versus blue collar. But the boundaries that exist where you are now don't exist down here.
It's funny, because people think of the South as being highly segregated and racist (because of its past history), but honestly, I get that vibe more up here in the northeast! A friend of mine moved to the outskirts of Atlanta a couple of years ago for work (he's from Mass) and he says he has never seen such diverse, safe, and clean area like that up in Mass. (He's in the Decatur area of Atlanta) People assume that Northerners are more "open minded", but rest assure I've encountered some pretty ignorant and racist people in my years up here. (People tend to forget about the busing in the 70s around the Boston area when they were trying to make the public schools more integrated. The Irish-American residents of "southie" would hold up racist signs with the N word and throw rocks at the buses bringing in black kids from other parts of the city)
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And honestly, that'll be the hardest part about leaving, is family. But the cost of living, weather, and general quality of life is very important. 
