kind of off-topic - "husbands who travel for business" (Cary: apartment, rent)

[indigohope]

hi everyone
do you all see many husbands who travel consistently (weekly) for business? My husbands company wants to transfer him to NJ - and there is NO WAY I WANT TO MOVE TO NJ from Mass. it is like moving to hell, to deeper hell if you ask me. i will be more broke than I already am.

i am almost considering....i know this sounds CRAZY - but for a less hectic life-style, and for me to stay home w/ the kids and not work full-time and be stressed-out and have my kids go home to no one everyday afterschool, to achieve my dream and be down south in cary, nc. My husbnad will be with us fri, sat and sun; go to NJ the other days and/or his business trips (he is on the road often anyway).

See, if we move to NJ, he may have to travel all the time anyway. I cannot be a fulltime working mom, and be there for my kids while he travels, and try to keep up with the expenses that NJ has! it is a RAT RACE! does anyone here understand? I cannot believe the differences in expenses as I research Nc and NJ/MA. It is almost a no-brainer.

for the record, here in Mass., my hubby tends to come home late (6:45pm) and sees the kids for 30 min if lucky anyway) before bedtime. so that would be what is missing during the week. As i add up the pros/cons, the pros outway the cons. However, I am worried sick about the whole thing.

I am just in one really bad position. And my husband will not find another job. however, he is completely open to the Nc idea. I have to just admit it to you and our family, we cannot afford NC or MA.

Thanks for listening!

[NCHomeFinder]

Wow, I'm so sorry you're in a position that you have to make that choice at all. I don't think anyone can give you an answer to what would be best. I have a close friend whose husband travels for business, on a similar schedule. She went back to work part time when her son was three because during the time that her husband was travelling, she needed the "break". Her son flourished in preschool, and she had regular adult contact. I think what made it work for them was that she had a choice, and she didn't HAVE to work.
Is there any way to do it on a trial basis to see if it will work for your family? Maybe rent a place in Cary for 3 months or 6 months before you commit. The fact that he would have 3 days at home might make it all worth it, since like you said, he'd be working long hours on those days anyway.

Best wishes making such a tough decision, and let us know what you decide!

[Guene]

I live in (uber expensive) Orange County, CA and I have a neighbor whose husband is a well-paid police officer. A couple of years ago they cashed out and moved to Phoenix and he is still on the force here. He commutes (by plane) every week, works his three days, sleeps at the station, then flies home for four days.

I think it could be done, but I agree, rent before you commit. Not all families can deal with that well. As a stay-at-home mom myself, when your dh travels, it can be hard, and lonely - no adult interaction. But if it will make things (finances, you not having to work) easier, go for it.

[BUXYJO]

Hi,

I hate to be such a pessimist but I've been in the same situation and it's really not as rosy as it sounds.

I was living in France (my husband is French) and I'd been there for many, many years and I was very adjusted and happy.

Anyway, I was so tired of moving with my three kids since we'd already moved three times. We'd bought a beautiful house that we'd re-done and we were living in a place that we considered paradise.

Anyway, we decided that my husband would go to Paris during the week and come home on the weekends (he always got home after 9 during the week anyway - or he was away travelling)

I imagined wonderful relaxed family weekends and figured that I'd manage during the week like I had been doing for so long.

Well, I forgot two things. One, was exhausted the weekends and even had to work on Sundays sometimes and two, my kids were growing and before I knew it I had three adolescents on my hands.

It became oh so difficult for me to manage them. Manners went out the window and there were so many decisions to make (alone).

Anyway, it got to the point that I was ready to move to Paris (to a hectic crazy life and we'd be crammed in a small apartment) just to be together.

Also, I forgot to mention my marriage. People need to be together to be close. I still love my husband but we're not intimate. It is a disaster for a marriage. You need to sleep in the same bed with your man as often as possible.

Oh, gotta go.

I'd really think about it alot.

Good luck.

[Boatdrinks]

Have you thought about living further out in NJ, where it's quieter? I don't know where your husband's office will be, but there are many places in NJ that are quiet and not as hectic as the NYC 'burbs. Personally, I'd consider that before I'd consider living in different states. That will be hard on your marriage and hard on the kids. Yes, they only see their dad for half an hour every day, but it's better then nothing. I know what you mean about NJ - it wouldn't be my number one choice for a place to live. But there are a lot of redeeming things to it - close to beaches, close to NYC, lots to do, etc., but the most redeeming thing about it would be that your family would be together.

I think, on paper, it sounds like an easy solution. But actually living it would be a lot tougher. JMO. Good luck.

[leighbhe]

I have many friends who have spouses who travel during the week and they stay home with the kids. I am like many people where my husband often works late, doesn't see the kids, etc. But, it is different, because he does get home and we can discuss the issues from the day. SO.........I did have a traveling husband as well, before kids, and I would agree with the poster who talked about the less than blissful weekends! He would come into town, I was in my "groove" of being alone, I had things I wanted us to do on the weekend (projects around the house, etc) and he was tired! Then sunday it all started again.

So, my friends who have husbands that travel now have small children, and they are the primary caregivers of the kids. If your husband can just dive right in on the weekends, have lots of energy, spend quality time with the kids, and help around the house, then it will probably work! I think for the friends that I have they struggle with having to find babysitter's to do anything outside of the home, they do not have the flexibility of going to the grocery store alone at 8 at night when their someone else is home to watch the kids.

My husband decided not to travel any more once we had our first baby because he was afraid he would miss too much. I think it is a big decision to make and you need to think about quite a bit! There are definitely times when I feel like my husband could travel because he doesn't see the kids, but when he does actually travel (he is gone this week) it is such a different feeling. He is much more disconnected to us because he is not coming home at night, seeing the kids (sleeping) and being in our physical location.

Leigh

[Monkey Toes]

Originally Posted by BUXYJO

People need to be together to be close. I still love my husband but we're not intimate. It is a disaster for a marriage. You need to sleep in the same bed with your man as often as possible.

I totally agree. While this make work logistically, it will likely take a toll on your marriage and the family.

[darzz1]

Originally Posted by indigohope

hi everyone
do you all see many husbands who travel consistently (weekly) for business? My husbands company wants to transfer him to NJ - and there is NO WAY I WANT TO MOVE TO NJ from Mass. it is like moving to hell, to deeper hell if you ask me. i will be more broke than I already am.

i am almost considering....i know this sounds CRAZY - but for a less hectic life-style, and for me to stay home w/ the kids and not work full-time and be stressed-out and have my kids go home to no one everyday afterschool, to achieve my dream and be down south in cary, nc. My husbnad will be with us fri, sat and sun; go to NJ the other days and/or his business trips (he is on the road often anyway).

See, if we move to NJ, he may have to travel all the time anyway. I cannot be a fulltime working mom, and be there for my kids while he travels, and try to keep up with the expenses that NJ has! it is a RAT RACE! does anyone here understand? I cannot believe the differences in expenses as I research Nc and NJ/MA. It is almost a no-brainer.

for the record, here in Mass., my hubby tends to come home late (6:45pm) and sees the kids for 30 min if lucky anyway) before bedtime. so that would be what is missing during the week. As i add up the pros/cons, the pros outway the cons. However, I am worried sick about the whole thing.

I am just in one really bad position. And my husband will not find another job. however, he is completely open to the Nc idea. I have to just admit it to you and our family, we cannot afford NC or MA.

Thanks for listening!

I think anything is possible. I'm originally from MA and know live in VA (for 12 yrs) and we have just bought a home in Fuquay NC. Anyways... My husband is in the Military and they can get called on a moments notice and leave anywhere from a few weeks to 2 yrs - So I've dealt with all that. I am a stay at home Mom and wouldn't have it any other way, I can't imagine how difficult it would be having a missing Dad and a Mom working f/t. I'm sure its a tough decision but just remember anything is possible and perhaps a sacrifice will pay off in the long run. I still have lots of friends in MA ,, both husband & wife have good jobs and struggle to keep a float - it's a tough life there .
Good luck on your decision!