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Just for emphasis, I will echo what others have already said: you and your brother need your own attorney. It seems clear that the attorney who has been working with your sister is hostile to your interests. Try to find a good elder law attorney who works with trusts and is particularly knowledgable about elder abuse.
I'm thinking the family meeting discussed in the first paragraph of the OP may have been held with the intent to discuss a trust to be formed which may not have happened. As a trustee the OP would have had papers to sign and would have been given a copy of the trust documents; she makes no comments relative to that.
If she didn't need an attorney at that time she probably needed one at the time of her father's death. By now the sister may be the sole heir, unless it can be proven that the mother is incapable of making her own decisions or was manipulated. It's late now to engage an attorney but probably not too late
...As a trustee the OP would have had papers to sign and would have been given a copy of the trust documents; she makes no comments relative to that...
If she didn't need an attorney at that time she probably needed one at the time of her father's death. By now the sister may be the sole heir, unless it can be proven that the mother is incapable of making her own decisions or was manipulated. It's late now to engage an attorney but probably not too late
Not necessarily. I feel the OP's pain because I have something similar going on right now...actually, it's been dragging on for a number of years...even worse, the 'executor', who has done an exceedingly poor job on a number of things, allowed the trust to lapse and now we have more issues going on.
As most everyone else has recommended, get a lawyer ASAP. I'm pretty well screwed right now, don't let the same thing happen to you.
As others have pointed out, this will get ugly very quickly (well, it's ALREADY ugly, on all your parts).
OP, why not make your own money so you don't sit around eagerly waiting for your mother to die so you can inherit $ that you did absolutely nothing to earn? Your sister sounds like the only one who's taken any care of your parents, but all you are worried about is how you may lose, what, a few tens of thousands on a million-plus stack of UNEARNED money? Pretty sad.
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Inheritances always bring out the absolute worst in people. I wish no one could inherit ANYTHING -- everything you have, you would have to actually earn yourself. What an idea!
Sister seems hard to deal with but she's the only one taking care of mom. Hiring three caretakers, balancing the bills, etc, all of this is fruitless work.
As others have pointed out, this will get ugly very quickly (well, it's ALREADY ugly, on all your parts).
OP, why not make your own money so you don't sit around eagerly waiting for your mother to die so you can inherit $ that you did absolutely nothing to earn? Your sister sounds like the only one who's taken any care of your parents, but all you are worried about is how you may lose, what, a few tens of thousands on a million-plus stack of UNEARNED money? Pretty sad.
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Inheritances always bring out the absolute worst in people. I wish no one could inherit ANYTHING -- everything you have, you would have to actually earn yourself. What an idea!
Seems to me like an overly harsh and judgemental take on the situation.
Why is your take on inheritance so bitter? Did something happen to you to cause that?
Not necessarily. I feel the OP's pain because I have something similar going on right now...actually, it's been dragging on for a number of years...even worse, the 'executor', who has done an exceedingly poor job on a number of things, allowed the trust to lapse and now we have more issues going on.
As most everyone else has recommended, get a lawyer ASAP. I'm pretty well screwed right now, don't let the same thing happen to you.
Thank you all so very much for your input and insight!
I spoke with my brother last night and we have an appt with an attorney (by conference call as my brother lives in hawaii and I live in oregon) to discuss everything - and then we will proceed from there.
Karen_in_nh_2012
Thank you for your thoughts on the issue.
I have my own money, I have worked hard for more than 40 years (as well as having served in the USMC). My sister lived at home until she was 38 - building her business from our parents house ... it was 'too expensive' for her to get her own place. My parents are/were the most wonderful people in the world.
When she was 38 she moved out and got her own place - about 5 min from our parents house and ran her business. (that was 20 years ago). Ten years ago she borrowed money from our parents because she was having a difficult time making ends meet with her business. Instead of repaying it, they offered to have her help with bills, etc. She did that - then it became a steady income of $2k/month to help them. She then said that BECAUSE of helping them, her business had been losing alot of money and that they owed her.
It wasnt long after that when we had the 'family meeting at the attorneys'.
My brother and I dont begrudge her anything. We both have helped our parents and her by taking over care (I go twice a year for 2 weeks to give her a 'break' - I dont ask for any payment of any kind in return) My brother - same. Albeit its not 'full time' as she has done - but then again, every time I ask if I can assist, she says 'no'.
We arent fighting over a couple measly thousand - we are concerned 1) for our mother 2) for the ramifications of signing anything without knowing what the fall out might be 3) for our RIGHTFUL inheritance when mom dies. Neither are we 'waiting on tenterhooks' for her to die. We are hoping that she lives a very long life ... With her money intact for HER OWN care and use. Our sister gives moms things away to friends willy nilly. She hires friends to do work and pays them exhorbitant amounts. She treats moms belongings and money as her own. And yes, the trust states that everything is to be divided between the three of us equally. That means that its not ok for sister to deplete everything UNLESS its for MOMS care and well being.
Lastly, we are concerned because we each, from time to time, have not been allowed to see or visit our Mom.
When Dad was dying, I and my children flew down immediately to be there - to tell him we love him, and to help. My daughter was stuck at the airport - so she called to say 'goodbye' to the ONLY father figure in her life. My sister told her everyone was busy and hung up on her. She called back and my mom answered the phone and put the phone up to my dads ear so that my daughter could tell him good bye and that she loves him.
She and her infant daughter arrived at the house after he passed...around midnight (after spending all day trying to get there) and our sister said that SHE could sleep there, but her infant daughter could not because a baby in the (4 bedroom 2 bath eichler) would be too disruptive. So at midnight, we all left and found a hotel to stay in. (I and my daughter and baby were going to share my old bedroom... at the opposite end of the house from mom. My brother and his 2 kids were going to share his old bedroom, my son was going to be in the den, my sister would be in her old bedroom).
At Dads funeral, my sister was in the front row with our Mom. Brother and I (and our families) were relegated to seats 3 rows back. The Eulogy read by one of sisters friends, named sister, and mom. Never mentioned brother and I. We were mentioned as 'and other family members'.
The list goes on and on.
I am under no obligation to explain all the ins and outs and family history, in order to ask for advice, insight and thoughts on these issues... but I have been as transparent, honest and open as I can be. However, I do understand that Judgement comes along with advice, insight and thoughts, whilst missing the mark as some of that judgement might be.
Kind Regards
Kacey
Last edited by kaceyellis; 04-20-2020 at 08:19 AM..
Reason: to add
Sister seems hard to deal with but she's the only one taking care of mom. Hiring three caretakers, balancing the bills, etc, all of this is fruitless work.
Yeah I agree here. Its a lot of work, time and patience in caring for an elderly parent or relative. I think perhaps your sister has earned the right to be the lead in the decision making for your mother and her assets. I also think any assets your mother and father might have, should be the mothers, and they aren't necessarily the children's, in any inheritance case.
It almost feels like the OP feels she has the right to those assets that have been passed down from her father to now which are her mother's. Of course things change when the mother dies, but after many years of taking care of the parents, it seems like the sister has good reason to be controlling.
As readers, I'm sure there are other sides to the story which we aren't hearing. My suggestion is get your own estate lawyer if you want to challenge your sister, however that is going to be costly for everyone involved. Best bet might be to play nice with your sister and talk with her sincerely and kindly.
Yeah I agree here. Its a lot of work, time and patience in caring for an elderly parent or relative. I think perhaps your sister has earned the right to be the lead in the decision making for your mother and her assets. I also think any assets your mother and father might have, should be the mothers, and they aren't necessarily the children's, in any inheritance case.
It almost feels like the OP feels she has the right to those assets that have been passed down from her father to now which are her mother's. Of course things change when the mother dies, but after many years of taking care of the parents, it seems like the sister has good reason to be controlling.
As readers, I'm sure there are other sides to the story which we aren't hearing. My suggestion is get your own estate lawyer if you want to challenge your sister, however that is going to be costly for everyone involved. Best bet might be to play nice with your sister and talk with her sincerely and kindly.
I'm one of three. If the time comes for us to decide, the one who has taken care of them the most could absolutely get more consideration.
It almost feels like the OP feels she has the right to those assets that have been passed down from her father to now which are her mother's.
JakeinChina
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
I dont feel as though I have a right to them - its the way the trust was written up by both my parents before my father died.
Everything that was dads, went to mom (rightfully so) when he died - and became moms 'estate'. When mom dies everything goes to the three of us children, equally.
If Mom and Dad had wanted sister to receive more than 1/3, they would have made provisions for that. They did not. They did make provisions for sister to receive $2k/month to care for either of the the surviving parent (if there was one.. and there is in this case) and to receive $15k/year to sign hawaii paperwork.
Brother and I have no issue whatsoever with that.
Brother and I have an appt with our own lawyer on wednesday. NOT to contest anything - ONLY to make sure that we arent being stupid in signing something written up by sister - and which she refuses to use moms lawyer to write up or double check. Thats all.
I do understand how difficult it is to take care of an elderly parent. I took care of my grandmother for a year when mom wasnt able to. 24/7. I wasnt paid for this either... nor would I have asked to be. She was my grandma.
As a trustee the OP would have had papers to sign and would have been given a copy of the trust documents; she makes no comments relative to that.
If she didn't need an attorney at that time she probably needed one at the time of her father's death. By now the sister may be the sole heir, unless it can be proven that the mother is incapable of making her own decisions or was manipulated. It's late now to engage an attorney but probably not too late
kokonutty
At the time of the original family meeting, we all signed some kind of papers for the trust. We were supposed to each be receiving a copy of the paperwork but somehow we never did. (later after my dad died I received his computer and while looking for photos to print up and preserve, I found a copy of those papers on his computer which said exactly what I had remembered).
Subsequently, the new paper that the lawyer had my Mom sign a couple days after dads death, makes sister the only trustee along with mom. Those are the papers brother and I wanted a copy of, which we were told we had no right to, and would be disinherited if we continued to ask.
At no point did brother or I feel we needed our own attorney. We are all a family. We trusted each other and there was no inkling that there would be any issues. Its only since then, that Mom has been unable to 'think clearly' and sister has taken over running everything and 'stuff' has been happening that just seems funky.
To clarify, sister is not the sole heir, she and mom are the trustees of the entire estate and when mom dies, sister is the executor.
Out of curiosity - is the koko in your screen name from koko at SF zoo?
Kind Regards
Kacey
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