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I just e-mailed a guy on POF to wish him good luck with his search, but I don't think we want the same thing.
POF has a new feature called "intent" and when he first started e-mailing me, that didn't exist. His profile said he was looking for "dating" which can mean a lot of things, including dating that leads to a relationship. Now his "intent" says "dating but nothing serious". I am taking him at his word, not wasting my time (or my heart) and moving on because I am looking for a serious relationship. I don't even see the point in meeting him because I'm not one of "those" people who thinks they are going to change someone's mind about what they want, just because they lay eyes on me
This is how I feel also. I have told a guy "either you want to be with me or you don't." It is really that simple. There is no "I'm not sure if you're the one so I need to sample some other fair."
Unless you are prepared to wh*re around like he is, then don't fall for that line and believe that someday he will come crawling back to you with a ring and a question.
No, not really.
I'm not saying that the two people shouldn't be exclusive to one another, but the early stages are about finding out whether or not you want to stay together. In the first few weeks, it's a "wait and see" attitude. "Everything seems pretty good so far..."
Even after a year, something can happen that completely changes your view of the other person, and you decide you can't remain with the person because of it.
I agree about not sampling other fare, but I can't say it's so cut and dried--at the beginning--to say whether or not this is "the one". Isn't that "creepy" in a guy? Who's so positive that the two of you were destined to be together?
If a woman's first words to me were: "So when are we getting married?", my answer would probably be, "We're not even going to be dating!" Too much, too soon. "What are you reading? How did you get interested in that?" is a little more in line with what I should be hearing.
When I meet guys, I always keep it on a "friends only" basis. If he mentions that he likes me and I find him attractive, we might go out on a date. But the truth is, that even if we have dated for a few times, I always want to let him know that we are only dating, and not in a serious relationship. The more I get to know the guys, the better I can tell what they are like. There are so many creepy guys out there that are best left alone. And I also have dated guys that I know I don't want a serious relationship with, but that I want to get to know better anyways. Astonishingly, the guys I would have gotten rid of immediately, have usually been better people, than the guys with the high IQ and stable job. While the guys with the stable job, and who seemed to have it together, turned out to be drug users, or just plain disrespectful and unwise. So you never know. Serious relationships take time. Having a significant other is more important than even your best friend, so why would you take years to establish a best friend, and just 3 dates to establish who you will be spending all your time with at home? Sexual chemistry does not mean that you are life-long partners. Choose wisely.
To be blunt and coming from a guy, these guys likely are just not that into you. Most of the time when a guy just wants to date, it's because he doesn't find you that attractive, but wouldn't mind fooling around with you until something better comes along.
I agree with this... I'm female by the way and this pretty much reflects my experience. Also, consider that these guys might be dating (and sleeping with) multiple girls and don't want the label of a "cheater" or "player". Just because they use the euphemism of "not wanting a relationship right now", it really just means that they want the freedom of sleeping with multiple people.
I'd never date anyone who isn't looking for something genuine. Think about it. Females age more poorly than men (from a societal point of view as well as from a fertility POV)... our intrinsic value declines much more steeply. If you waste time fooling around with these noncommital losers, you will lose out on finding a quality man. Time is of the essence. By the time you are 28, you will be deemed "over the hill". Guys aren't deemed over the hill until at least 35-45. I'm not trying to pressure you into getting married or anything... I'm just highlighting the fact that guys always have more time advantage than us girls and can afford to fool around.
We are no longer sleeping together. We still hang out when we can and talk everyday but I told him all the physical stuff had to stop unless we were in a relationship.
Good. No physical stuff untill he he consistently says AND does the things a boyfriend who is committed to you does. If it takes three months to determine he is for real and not just about the bed, so be it. This is your life. No one gets to mess it up, unless you allow them to.
I'm not saying that the two people shouldn't be exclusive to one another, but the early stages are about finding out whether or not you want to stay together. In the first few weeks, it's a "wait and see" attitude. "Everything seems pretty good so far..."
Even after a year, something can happen that completely changes your view of the other person, and you decide you can't remain with the person because of it.
I agree about not sampling other fare, but I can't say it's so cut and dried--at the beginning--to say whether or not this is "the one". Isn't that "creepy" in a guy? Who's so positive that the two of you were destined to be together?
If a woman's first words to me were: "So when are we getting married?", my answer would probably be, "We're not even going to be dating!" Too much, too soon. "What are you reading? How did you get interested in that?" is a little more in line with what I should be hearing.
You don't have to know that she is "the one," but if you don't even like her enough after a few dates to not see other women - that's a sign of a problem.
This is just my opinion obviously, and I am very no nonsense when it comes to dating. I know that I deserve a man who loves me and I will not settle for some Don Juan who wants to spread his love around. And, the fact is, if a woman is willing to settle for a guy who wants to chase skirts, then that is what she will continue to get - and she has no one to blame but herself.
It sounds like you had sex to try and make him want a serious relationship with you and now that he's told you he doesn't want that, you've ended the sex in attempt to make him cave and agree to being in a relationship. You gave him sex without a relationship so there's nothing special about you anymore and as long as you're giving him attention, he knows eventually he can get you back in bed because a smart girl who is serious about wanting a relationship would not continue to pay attention to a guy who made it clear that's not what he wants. You want to believe he's not ready for a relationship because other wise it will prove that your attempt to bully him into a relationship wasn't successful and you don't want to face that reality.
I'm female, and I spent the better part of my twenties dating but not particularly looking for something long-term or serious. The reasons? I was working a job that demanded, on average, about 60 hours a week, and had erratic hours. Nobody's going to be able to begin or maintain a relationship when they can hang out once in a while but are essentially on call and can't make any promises about time spent together. Basically, I dated to have a bit of a social life in between job commitments. I was in no way living a lifestyle that would have supported the time and nurturing that a good relationship requires.
I think a lot of times "not ready" is an excuse for something else. They may either not be that into you, or just wanted to hook up with someone, etc.
But on the flip side, I have been in that situation, so it could be true.
After divorcing my husband, who I had been with since my teens, I was seriously "Not Ready". I wanted to be single and get to know myself and have a good time. For two years, I casually dated and kept guys at arms length. Then when I met my fiance, he was too good to pass up. I was ready!
Keep your hopes up, he is out there somewhere.
I think a lot of times "not ready" is an excuse for something else. They may either not be that into you, or just wanted to hook up with someone, etc.
But on the flip side, I have been in that situation, so it could be true.
After divorcing my husband, who I had been with since my teens, I was seriously "Not Ready". I wanted to be single and get to know myself and have a good time. For two years, I casually dated and kept guys at arms length. Then when I met my fiance, he was too good to pass up. I was ready!
Keep your hopes up, he is out there somewhere.
I agree with this.
I'm at a place where I can take it or leave it. But the effort has to come from her. If she can convince me that I need her in my life, then I'll be swayed, but I'm not really looking to start something.
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