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Those of you who know, I've been online dating for about a year now (my 1 year subscription ends June 30). I've met around 15 women or so, and had some stressful endings with about 4 of them. I've seen a therapist about it, and the most recent "issue" showed me I'm not quite as far along as I hoped to be, but felt I've made improvements.
One of the things we discussed that got me thinking was this statement he made to me: "Dating will always have struggles, but it's the struggle that makes us appreciate the right person even more when we do find them". We also discussed my disgust with the flaky ingore rejection, and "what does it speak to these women who do this?" He basically told me we go through this struggle because finding someone to be happy with is important to me.
After careful thought and consideration, I realized that it is NOT that important to me. Not having other dates lined up, not emailing any other girls the last couple weeks, I feel totally free of the stressful burden of online dating, and let me tell you....I feel so much better. It feels really good to not be thinking about someone else and whether I'll ever talk to them again, what I'm going to do for the next date, what my next move will be, how she'll react, etc. Finding someone to be in a relationship with is NOT worth all this, and I'm sure many of you who have found success will disagree, but I don't think it's worth it for me.
I'm also completely throwing in the towel on online dating. I am considering asking some girls out that I know in person, but online dating is no longer a part of me or my life. I thought about why I was doing online dating and what I was trying to accomplish. Ultimately I joined because I felt like I could narrow down my search to target specific types of girls that I would be interested in based on personality and interests. I have now looked back and realized that I have done everything BUT be specific and narrowing in my options. I've had to broaden them farther than I've liked.
I've looked back at these women and I realize how annoying or btchy they were on some of these dates, and I now understand I would probably not have enjoyed being with them anyway. So why did I like them so early on? I know now that I did it because my response rate on match was SO LOW that if a decent looking girl who had an ounce of personality would respond to me, I felt like she was a VERY GOOD OPTION which was considered a RARE opportunity to go out with. Doesn't matter how you try to explain it, whether it's the huge ratios of men to women, the pickiness of thousands of dudes emailing girls, my looks, my personality, my height, my pictures, WHATEVER, none of the reasons matter except for the fact that my response rate is incredibly low. I sent out 50 thought out, friendly, sincere, but brief emails out and I get maybe 3 back. I've run out of girls to email so I've expanded my search to women I wouldn't like anyway. What's the point of that? That's the opposite of what I set out to do. Honesty and straightforwardness is something I hold very important in someone I date, and clearly that's not what these women have been about.
Pair all that with just the overall better feeling of not being invested in a dating scenario, I just feel really good about getting rid of online dating from my lifestyle. I wanted to thank many of you for the kind words, the slap in the face, and any help you've tried to give me (sorry if I became hostile in some responses), but I appreciate all of it. This feels really good and I don't doubt this is absolutely the right decision for me. Best of luck to all.
Great post. I'm not a fan of online dating either. It doesn't work for everyone. I think it requires a ton of effort, which I have little time for. There is something to be said about naturally occurring passion that pops up on your daily path. I don't think you can fabricate passion. Many women created a canned profile with a smile. Passion comes from chemistry that is almost exclusive to in-person contact. Forget all that messaging to see if its there and only finding out that you've wasted your time again. Life is too short.
Op it works for some, and not for others. Starbucks, Grocery store, Barns Noble, church and so forth. Good luck.
Good ideas...piggy back off of something you're passionate about. Get passion flowing in what you do and if she's there you both may benefit from transference. This will make it seem effortless. Just don't go somewhere in search mode. Preoccupation with the itch may rob your joy.
It's interesting though that you would put so much pressure on yourself when it comes to meeting someone online as opposed to offline. I think a lot of people are the exact opposite. They go online, email people they have absolutely no chance with, and never hear back. But they're OK with it because of the anonymity involved. In their minds, there's less risk. If you email someone and never hear back, you can just shrug your shoulders and say "Oh well." But if you meet someone at a coffee shop and ask her for her number and she disses you, then it stings more, especially if other people are there to witness it. Have you talked to your therapist about why you put so much pressure on yourself like that?
Gosh I agree with this. I think the online venue is FAR less stressful, but that's just me.
Gosh I agree with this. I think the online venue is FAR less stressful, but that's just me.
That's what I thought too, it's over and done if it doesn't work out. And they usually don't live close. So it's not like you are going to bump into them all the time.
That's what I thought too, it's over and done if it doesn't work out. And they usually don't live close. So it's not like you are going to bump into them all the time.
You know, I never understood all of this online dating activity. Call me old fashioned but I like to go out and meet women and talk on a personal level. You see what she looks like, she sees what you look like.
Too often people post "phony" pictures.
I know people are often phony in public as well, but...
I'm not knocking it, but I don't see myself trying it.
Then again, I'm not really trying to date anyway, I just want to have me some fun and be free.
I'm sure you can find some great people through online dating. I rather prefer the old-fashioned ways:
"Hey, want to go and grab a coke?"
"How about we take a walk and get an ice cream cone?"
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