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I'll do my best to give an overview of my situatiuon, I'd welcome thoughts and opinions.
I married young, been together with my wife 20 years, 2 great kids at home. Sounds great so far, and in most ways it is. Being a dad, husband and provider is just about all I've been about for many years now.
I still love my wife, and I'm sure I always will. I fell hard for her, and at one time we had a pretty passionate romance. But for the majority of our relationship, she has not felt the same way about me. She has issues with depression and self-esteem. We are very different in that way, I love life and am thankful for all the blessings I have been given. I think my being happy when she is miserable really draws us apart. I don't want to paint a picture of her being a bad person, she isn't. At times she has been kinder and more compassionte than anyone I have ever met.
She has left me twice, once with the kids, the last time about 5 years ago. No cheating on either side, no drugs or anything like that. I think she wants something more out of life than I can offer, I don't know what that is, and don't think she does either. Both times I pursued a reconcilliation. If I had not done so, I don't believe we'd be together today.
My wife resents being a homemaker. She went back to school and has had several jobs, but eventually quits. Again, she's very sensitive and does not deal well with an office environment.
We don't fight often, and can still share a laugh and enjoy doing things together now and then. But we're just holding things together for the kids. We talk about divorce from time to time, in a cordial matter of fact way. I sincerely believe she wants me to walk out on her. It would make it easier for her not being seen by the kids as the "bad guy" for leaving.
With all the things not right in my marriage I'm still pretty happy. I love my job and it keeps us from going without. We have a nice house on the ocean and regular vacations. My kids are awesome. And everyone has their health. So what if my wife doesn't love me, right?
I don't need the house and can afford to provide for my kids and keep a separate residence. I'm considering moving on to the next chapter in my life. A close friend whose wife passed unexpectadely said something to me once that really stuck. "What I miss most about her is she really appreciated me as a man". That hit home with me. That's what I really miss having in my relationship.
I have a wife and 2 kids now, but it's kind of like having 3 kids. I have to hold the world together. I would love to share my life with people who are independent and really appreciate living! I've steered clear of cheating, not so much for my wife, but I don't want the kids to see their father as a cheat.
I've made it this far and I'm leaning toward sticking it out until the youngest is out of the house in 7 years or so. I think bailing out before hand would be failing as a father. I'm OK with failing as a husband, but don't want to let my kids down.
I'll do my best to give an overview of my situatiuon, I'd welcome thoughts and opinions.
I married young, been together with my wife 20 years, 2 great kids at home. Sounds great so far, and in most ways it is. Being a dad, husband and provider is just about all I've been about for many years now.
I still love my wife, and I'm sure I always will. I fell hard for her, and at one time we had a pretty passionate romance. But for the majority of our relationship, she has not felt the same way about me. She has issues with depression and self-esteem. We are very different in that way, I love life and am thankful for all the blessings I have been given. I think my being happy when she is miserable really draws us apart. I don't want to paint a picture of her being a bad person, she isn't. At times she has been kinder and more compassionte than anyone I have ever met.
She has left me twice, once with the kids, the last time about 5 years ago. No cheating on either side, no drugs or anything like that. I think she wants something more out of life than I can offer, I don't know what that is, and don't think she does either. Both times I pursued a reconcilliation. If I had not done so, I don't believe we'd be together today.
My wife resents being a homemaker. She went back to school and has had several jobs, but eventually quits. Again, she's very sensitive and does not deal well with an office environment.
We don't fight often, and can still share a laugh and enjoy doing things together now and then. But we're just holding things together for the kids. We talk about divorce from time to time, in a cordial matter of fact way. I sincerely believe she wants me to walk out on her. It would make it easier for her not being seen by the kids as the "bad guy" for leaving.
With all the things not right in my marriage I'm still pretty happy. I love my job and it keeps us from going without. We have a nice house on the ocean and regular vacations. My kids are awesome. And everyone has their health. So what if my wife doesn't love me, right?
I don't need the house and can afford to provide for my kids and keep a separate residence. I'm considering moving on to the next chapter in my life. A close friend whose wife passed unexpectadely said something to me once that really stuck. "What I miss most about her is she really appreciated me as a man". That hit home with me. That's what I really miss having in my relationship.
I have a wife and 2 kids now, but it's kind of like having 3 kids. I have to hold the world together. I would love to share my life with people who are independent and really appreciate living! I've steered clear of cheating, not so much for my wife, but I don't want the kids to see their father as a cheat.
I've made it this far and I'm leaning toward sticking it out until the youngest is out of the house in 7 years or so. I think bailing out before hand would be failing as a father. I'm OK with failing as a husband, but don't want to let my kids down.
Your wife has "issues".
Given that you are otherwise relatively happy and your family life is good, do your best to accept them like you would have to accept a physical handicap.
Life is not always greener on the other side of the hill, and you risk losing a lot more than you may realize right now by not sticking with what is basically a functional and okay marriage.
Well, it sounds like you don't need an answer for your question.
It sounds like you already know the answer but you don't want to act on it.
You make it sound as if it your wife's fault, but I think it is both your fault. You guys need to address all these issues with someone professionally trained; she may need medication and you guys need to discuss this situation more; communication is an extremely important factor here. By what you say in your post, it doesn't sound like you guys have talked about your feelings or her feelings and that may just kill a relationship in the long run; if you guys have not searched for professional help, now it would be the time to do so. If all else fails after that, then consider your choices again, and then make a move but for now, act on trying to help your marriage. Don't wait another day to do it, act on it now, while you still can!
Life is not always greener on the other side of the hill, and you risk losing a lot more than you may realize right now by not sticking with what is basically a functional and okay marriage.
I agree. It's not greener! Unless he wishes to remain single, he has no clue what's going on out there! He should just read our "lovely" forum a little! It may help him put things into perspective. I'm going to a wedding tonight. Why am I reading it?!
I agree. It's not greener! Unless he wishes to remain single, he has no clue what's going on out there! He should just read our "lovely" forum a little! It may help him put things into perspective. I'm going to a wedding tonight. Why am I reading it?!
hahaha - yes my friend, we all have issues in one way or another
The thing is, some are unforgiveable, some are dangerous and some are just annoying and inconvenient. His wife's aren't the worst kind to have and if he could perhaps envision her as somewhat "handicapped" it might make living with her more bearable.
We've done counseling and it had helped for a period of time. Actually I asked her if we should go again a few weeks ago and she didn't want to. I'm sure I could press the issue and get her to go, but I'm tiring of putting in the effort. That is sort of the point, It's getting old being the one pursuing a happier marriage.
I do look at my wifes depression as an illness, that's a big reason why I have accepted my marriage for what it is. I don't fault her.
I'd remark on all of my faults that contribute to our difficulties but my ISP doesn't have the bandwidth to upload that much info.
We've done counseling and it had helped for a period of time. Actually I asked her if we should go again a few weeks ago and she didn't want to. I'm sure I could press the issue and get her to go, but I'm tiring of putting in the effort. That is sort of the point, It's getting old being the one pursuing a happier marriage.
I do look at my wifes depression as an illness, that's a big reason why I have accepted my marriage for what it is. I don't fault her.
I'd remark on all of my faults that contribute to our difficulties but my ISP doesn't have the bandwidth to upload that much info.
Denon, what you are feeling is understandable, and not at all uncommon in folks at this stage of marriage (15-20 years).
Still, you really HAVE to dig deep and give this your all or you'll never be able to look your kids in the face again. Walking away even after the youngest is off to college is risky. You pull the rug of stability and security out from under them and risk their emotional development and loss of their respect.
I'm not saying it might not come to having to walk away - after all, we each only get ONE life and we must live it to the fullest. But, I am saying do whatever you have to do right now for the next few years to be really certain leaving in the best decision you can make.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If your wife is willing, I'd recommend counseling. If she is unwilling, then you can't force her. She is obviously unhappy and wants the marriage to end.
As for you, I'd say you need to do what you need to do to make yourself happy in your life. Your children will go on living their lives whether you are married to their mother or not.
I was eight when my parents divorced, and at first, I missed my dad terribly. But very quickly I saw that my dad was much happier without my mom and was a lot funner to be around. It was like he came alive. I also appreciated that I got him all to myself and got to spend one-on-one time with him away from my mom. To this day, I'd say I'm closer to my dad than I am to my mom, even though my dad was the one who left our family home and shunned counseling to save his marriage. He remarried a wonderful woman 7 years later.
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It may help him put things into perspective. I'm going to a wedding tonight. Why am I reading it?!
