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Ok I have a story for you…My friend have been going with his girlfriend for 2 yrs(well they stop dating for like 9 months and then got back together, so you can say three years). Anyway, a couple of weeks back, He met this girl at work and they started talking, nothing serious just friends. He and her started to get feelings for each other and last week, He cheated on his girlfriend…..she found out by calling a number in his phone and he had to tell her the truth..he really loves his girlfriend and they were going to get married at the end of the year…he and his girlfriend had problems in the past but nothing like this ever..this is the first time he has ever cheating on someone he has been with..my question is: if possible, Is there anyway he can get her back and have her trust again? Is it the "worst crime" that can happen in a relationship?
It doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but but but but....
The most important thing lost is trust. Without trust, everything becomes more difficult. They can't just have a "normal" fight anymore. Any fight no matter how small becomes HUGE because of the past. No matter how much he says he loves her, she will doubt because actions speak louder than words. Even if she stays, the road ahead is long, windy, bumpy, and full of pot holes. She may "forgive" him and everything may seem okay on the surface, but inside she is a volcano ready to erupt at any time. Hence, no fight will be small from here on out for as long as it takes for her to let go of what happened which may never happen.
He should give her her space right now. If she decides to stay with him. He needs to be patient, understanding, and transparent. By transparent I mean, don't hold anything back. Answer all her questions, be an open book for awhile. Let her look at your phone, email, let her know where you are, etc. He has to make sure that she understands that he knows what happened was wrong and that he understands how she feels. Do not pressure her to "get over it". Give her time.
If she decides to leave, let her. HE did this. He has to accept the consequences now. Please tell him not to try the blame shifting. He cannot indicate in any way that it is her fault because it isn't. No matter what she did, he chose to cheat. He made that choice. He should not get angry or defensive if she leaves. It is possible after some time apart, she may be able to let go and come back. She'll be a lot more likely to do so if he handles the break up well. Remember Ross and Rachel. He just couldn't let go of the, "but we were on a break" crap.
BTW: When he started having "feelings" for another girl, he should have either broke up with the gf and explored those feelings or had a long talk with gf about what was going on.
It doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but but but but....
The most important thing lost is trust. Without trust, everything becomes more difficult. They can't just have a "normal" fight anymore. Any fight no matter how small becomes HUGE because of the past. No matter how much he says he loves her, she will doubt because actions speak louder than words. Even if she stays, the road ahead is long, windy, bumpy, and full of pot holes. She may "forgive" him and everything may seem okay on the surface, but inside she is a volcano ready to erupt at any time. Hence, no fight will be small from here on out for as long as it takes for her to let go of what happened which may never happen.
He should give her her space right now. If she decides to stay with him. He needs to be patient, understanding, and transparent. By transparent I mean, don't hold anything back. Answer all her questions, be an open book for awhile. Let her look at your phone, email, let her know where you are, etc. He has to make sure that she understands that he knows what happened was wrong and that he understands how she feels. Do not pressure her to "get over it". Give her time.
If she decides to leave, let her. HE did this. He has to accept the consequences now. Please tell him not to try the blame shifting. He cannot indicate in any way that it is her fault because it isn't. No matter what she did, he chose to cheat. He made that choice. He should not get angry or defensive if she leaves. It is possible after some time apart, she may be able to let go and come back. She'll be a lot more likely to do so if he handles the break up well. Remember Ross and Rachel. He just couldn't let go of the, "but we were on a break" crap.
BTW: When he started having "feelings" for another girl, he should have either broke up with the gf and explored those feelings or had a long talk with gf about what was going on.
Ok I understand...He has to recognize that is not a game, this is real life...but he does vow not to ever cheat on her again...do you think that can happen?
Ok I understand...He has to recognize that is not a game, this is real life...but he does vow not to ever cheat on her again...do you think that can happen?
Do I think he cannot cheat on her again?
I can't answer that. I'm sure he will be tempted again. Temptation is everywhere. He has to re examine why he developed "feelings" for another woman than the one he is supposedly "in love" with. If he doesn't deal with and understand why, it will happen again.
I mean he claims to me that woman means nothing and that the little feelings he did have is going away...is there any hope this guy to be with the woman he really loves...I'm glad I am getting a woman's point of view on this so I can see how women feel about the situation he has...
It'd be a dealbreaker for me (most likely, haven't been in a situation like that) because I wouldn't have sex with that person after, which kinda puts a damper on things.
Quick question for J_Clark about his friend's situation: I am a little unclear as to how the cheating was discovered. In this description, in my understanding, she discovered it by going through his phone? If that's the case, I wouldn't consider her to be a very trusting person in the first place, so the trust might never be regained since her suspicions were proved correct.
As for the OP's question: While I don't have a firm answer for you, your question has sparked another question within; why is 'sex' the line that's being drawn with cheating? For me, my partner having sex with another person is not a dealbreaker. What if he was black-out drunk? Drugged? Raped? Had a mental breakdown? Everyone has extenuating circumstances from time to time.
The cheating that's a deal breaker for me can come with or without sex- a long infatuated relationship where they sneak around, email each other, phones and talk all the time. They say they're in love. I don't care weather or not they're ever touched each other, I find it a bigger violation of trust.
That takes consistent and deliberate premeditation and turns everything into a lie, whereas a momentary lapse in judgement can lead to forgivable sex.
Does anyone else share this opinion, or am I just crazy?
I agree to a point Maery, which is that emotional cheating can be a deal breaker, however for me sexual cheating, in drunken stupors/lapse in judgment/during a long separation (army etc) is just as bad.
If for nothing else than the fact that I wouldn't be able to have sex with that person again without picturing them in my head, having sex with someone else.
I was using as a bit of an extreme example. But it can happen, and sometimes the lines are blurred. I have seen cases where people in relationships were taken advantage of while they were intoxicated beyond the legal limit of consent, and were broken up with anyways because the partner has a 'zero tolerance' policy with cheating.
I don't mean to imply that people wouldn't be sensitive to the difference, just that everyone draws a line somewhere, and some are futher then others.
I take the cheating problem back to a reason that is closer to the root of the problem. Cheating often, but certainly not always, comes from one party in the marriage rejecting the sexual interests or not meeting the sexual needs of the other half. That could mean that one side totally rejects the other or it could also be that one person is just going through the motions, without genuinely loving the other person. IE laying there like a corpse or the man just having the intercourse without giving his wife, the cuddling, affection, and she needs. A husband or wife that only considers their own needs and ignores the needs of their spouse is giving plenty of reason for their spouse to look elsewhere.
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