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Why do males in America suffer from such low confidence? This includes approaching women as well.
Men have fought battles, built planes, built skyscrapers but seem afraid to approach women that stems from a lack of confidence in themselves.
I am not talking about rich and famous guys but the normal everyday man.
There is something in this society that instills a fear of women in males.
What is it because it's not natural.
I have my own answers, I want to hear yours.
I actually don't agree that this is the case for men in general, or even for the majority. I do think some men are intimidated by successful attractive confident women, but that's always been the case. Some men thrive on being around such women. I don't see this "epidemic" you refer to.
-There have always been std's and pregnancy, but I think people might be more cautious now. Better education, better internet education, and changing priorities are probably some of the factors.
-The original poster said men fought battles, built planes, skyscrapers. But now with this 24/7 virtual world, you can "pretend" to build planes or skyscrapers. You don't actually have to put your, whatever on the line.
If achievement is the source of confidence, then anything accomplished can bring confidence.
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-A lot of men have very weak male role models in their lives. Dads, uncles, brothers? You don't see them.
This is not true for all.
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"Or males you might see on a regular basis". If you live in a rural area, small town, it may be hard to have role models (outside of work, if you're working).
how so?
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I would argue over the last 20 years, guys have spent more time looking to media for the answer, than looking to their dad, brother, relatives. Maybe they don't want to be like them. Media, encompassing, anything that influences you....askmen.com, mens magazines like fhm or maxim, tv, movies, etc.
The whole seduction, pick up community thats sprung up in the last 10 years is evidence that theres certainly a desire to be more confident.
We should probably clarfify what we mean by confidence in this thread. is it confidence only relating to getting women? Whilst a person is confident overall, it does not mean they are comfortable in all areas.
I see most women at about a 7 in terms of physical attractiveness. This number is modified, however, by their personality. If they think they're too good for anyone--that number goes DOWN.
You are letting too much personal bias slip in. Only a double blind test that took out personality would have validity and then only as a range since everyone has their individual preferences.
However, women do often think they are "too good for anyone", at least anyone in their close circle. One problem is that over the past 4 decades, those with physical attractiveness, especially men have been far more successful at having children.
Many girls now think that they have the same level as their mother but if she didn't snag a top 10 percentile sperm donor, its likely that the daughter has slipped down the food chain compared to their mother. Its often difficult to readjust ones ideas about this once formed. Especially true if the mother has been filling her head with this from an early age.
It's interesting.. I'll count myself in as having this problem.
I'm 20 now, but through high school I was just sorta average- I wasn't a loser (but not a jock or super popular) and I had some pretty female friends.. though every time I would show interest in one I'd get shot down ("only as a friend" "not in that way") but would observe the same girls often becoming very attracted to my friends..dating them and breaking up several times, etc.
Fast forward to the last time I was interested in anyone, at least seriously- she had kept turning me down but only because SHE was afraid.. she was manipulative and made me seriously mess up with another girl because she was jealous (I should have seen it coming, she did talk about it, get on me for texting this other girl when I was with her, even though she'd do the same thing to me, "I'm prettier", etc..)
It's just interesting. I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to approaching girls now, two years after that happened, but I was at a concert the other day hanging with a buddy and a few female friends of his I'd never met- I didn't care, I'll never see them again, and had the utmost confidence in talking to them. I later crowd-surfed and got into the mosh pit for the first time (and loved it, and kept doing so).. see the oddity there? Around girls I'll never see again I'm completely different, I'm cool with getting touched/beaten up (sorta) by people I'll never know, but I get nervous at the thought of making an approach..
(it's something I'm trying to change little by little, there's this cute girl at work and I'd love to say something, but my boss recently cut hours for her and I so I don't see her as much.. and when I do, I can never quite find the appropriate timing or place to speak up)
It's interesting.. I'll count myself in as having this problem.
I'm 20 now, but through high school I was just sorta average- I wasn't a loser (but not a jock or super popular) and I had some pretty female friends.. though every time I would show interest in one I'd get shot down ("only as a friend" "not in that way") but would observe the same girls often becoming very attracted to my friends..dating them and breaking up several times, etc.
Fast forward to the last time I was interested in anyone, at least seriously- she had kept turning me down but only because SHE was afraid.. she was manipulative and made me seriously mess up with another girl because she was jealous (I should have seen it coming, she did talk about it, get on me for texting this other girl when I was with her, even though she'd do the same thing to me, "I'm prettier", etc..)
It's just interesting. I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to approaching girls now, two years after that happened, but I was at a concert the other day hanging with a buddy and a few female friends of his I'd never met- I didn't care, I'll never see them again, and had the utmost confidence in talking to them. I later crowd-surfed and got into the mosh pit for the first time (and loved it, and kept doing so).. see the oddity there? Around girls I'll never see again I'm completely different, I'm cool with getting touched/beaten up (sorta) by people I'll never know, but I get nervous at the thought of making an approach..
(it's something I'm trying to change little by little, there's this cute girl at work and I'd love to say something, but my boss recently cut hours for her and I so I don't see her as much.. and when I do, I can never quite find the appropriate timing or place to speak up)
For most men with your "problem", it's always easy talking to married women, women you have no interest in, much older women, etc. Unfortunately, this practice doesn't help you where it counts.
Women on this site demonize men with this problem, treating it as something akin to a social disease. Don't believe them. It's a problem created by the insatiable demands for perfection, by modern women.
I was having a laugh reading the thread on how people are superficial. The women think this is just fine, then later they wonder what went wrong. Someone can be perfect in a superficial way and a complete loser but they usually stop looking for his faults at about this point.
Men can no longer afford to be so cavalier. This is probably the biggest change that has occurred in recent years. The intelligent men no longer assume that women are basically "sugar and spice". They'll lose their shirt if they do!
This has resulted in the epidemic of men having a lack of confidence. The stakes are so high and their chances to try out a variety of women have seriously diminished, as most women put their efforts into snagging one of a very small percentage of "superficially perfect" men. They can get quite nasty when other men get in the way.
Just consider yourself normal and farsighted for having this "problem".
Women on this site demonize men with this problem, treating it as something akin to a social disease. Don't believe them. It's a problem created by the insatiable demands for perfection, by modern women.
Women on this site and many others, commonly have little idea of what exactly they like in guys, or why they like a particular man. You can read many threads, and they will always point to the same things: confidence, appearance, social skills, demeanor.
However I keep seeing people and situations that just don't fit any of the typical advice given: A man can be reasonably good-looking, capable of nice social behavior, have good life interests and prospects, show some confidence... and still he can get months or even years without attention from women at all. It happens to myself, it happens to friends of mine, and I have seen it happen to lots of strangers.
The opposite also happens: There are some men who can get lots of women and nobody figures out why since they don't seem to have anything special or behave differently from other men.
So, I don't know exactly what is happening but all this stuff does not seem logical at all. And I know, attraction is not logical, but still, in large scale we should be able to at least arrive to some general conclusions. But I just don't see it... It's as if the men who "have it" always will, and the rest of us are stuck no matter what we do. It's really frustrating.
Women on this site and many others, commonly have little idea of what exactly they like in guys, or why they like a particular man. You can read many threads, and they will always point to the same things: confidence, appearance, social skills, demeanor.
However I keep seeing people and situations that just don't fit any of the typical advice given: A man can be reasonably good-looking, capable of nice social behavior, have good life interests and prospects, show some confidence... and still he can get months or even years without attention from women at all. It happens to myself, it happens to friends of mine, and I have seen it happen to lots of strangers.
The opposite also happens: There are some men who can get lots of women and nobody figures out why since they don't seem to have anything special or behave differently from other men.
So, I don't know exactly what is happening but all this stuff does not seem logical at all. And I know, attraction is not logical, but still, in large scale we should be able to at least arrive to some general conclusions. But I just don't see it... It's as if the men who "have it" always will, and the rest of us are stuck no matter what we do. It's really frustrating.
it is EXTREMELY frustrating.. it's not like I NEED someone in my life, I'm young, I don't plan on getting married anytime soon or whatever, but I like the companionship I find in girlfriend figures. It's nice to have someone to vent to or just hang out and watch the tube with at the end of the day.. and it's weird. If I really wanted just sex I could get it, but I'm not interested in hookups or one-nighters like a lot of people my age are.. makes it doubly frusrating.
I am not a psychologist but from my own personal observations I find men that did not have a strong male figure in their lives tend to have low self confidence. I think good men are greatly under valued in society today. Women can work and raise children all by themselves and some have too. Some do a fantastic job but when a child lacks a strong male role model there is also a piece missing. Women nurture and men are risk takers. When a boy grows up with just a female role model the encouragement to take risks lowers. Now I am not saying this is the case all the time but women want to protect their children and risk taking goes against that grain.
My own father was not around and I can see from how my brother responds to situations he lacks confidence. He also choses to do activities that appear to be very macho. Typical cliche stuff. He totally lacks confidence in dealing with women. When he fails, its his wife's fault. But then he expects her to pick up the pieces and fix it. He gets angry but then gets a little lost boy attitude because he feels she is the only one that can change it. In regards to girls that grow up without a strong role model, they tend to feel suspicious of any man's intentions. The absence of her father makes her feel men are not there for the long haul. Maybe mom talked badly about men in general so whatever guy does come along has to be perfect in every way, which is not humanly possible. I have seen women be down right cruel to good men and those same women are the ones in their late 30's, hearing the tick of the biological clock wondering where all the good men are. Men need to stop running away and women need to be a bit more tolerant. There is no knight in shining armor and men need to realize that their role in child raising is more crucial than they believe.
I can't speak for all "American Males", but for yours truly, I think there is a self-awareness that says that I need to work on myself far more before I'm suitable to be a mate to someone. Whenever I'm out and about I look at girls and who they're with and match my findings up with how I feel about myself. More often than not, I don't feel as though who I am on the inside is the type of person most American women desire.
I'll admit I used to be bitter, but when I began to truly mature and self-reflect, I realized that the most importiant thing was to be true to who I am as a person, and if that will put me at odds with the dating scene as it exists, then I will choose to opt out.
I think this self-anaylsis is becoming more common. Men who simply do not feel the type of person they are is "In demand" or up to snuff are self-selecting themselves from the dating pool.
I can't speak for all "American Males", but for yours truly, I think there is a self-awareness that says that I need to work on myself far more before I'm suitable to be a mate to someone. Whenever I'm out and about I look at girls and who they're with and match my findings up with how I feel about myself. More often than not, I don't feel as though who I am on the inside is the type of person most American women desire.
Actually, years of rejection can leave some feeling deep inside yourself that there is something wrong in you. Why did that guy over there make it so easily while I just can't? Why are so many not-so-cute girls with guys that are taller, and fitter than you? It is just frustrating, especially when you get absolutely no logical explanation.
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Originally Posted by Shizzles
I think this self-anaylsis is becoming more common. Men who simply do not feel the type of person they are is "In demand" or up to snuff are self-selecting themselves from the dating pool.
I know what you mean: this is what I did too. Of course you can be persistent and try to improve yourself. You can actually eliminate the "I am wrong" feeling and develop confidence. But, then what? What if you have already improved quite a bit and women keep ignoring you? When the effort you have to make is too much and it does not translate into results, then you realize it's just not worth the effort. And if you find no other option, it's only logical that you eventually give up.
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Men need to stop running away and women need to be a bit more tolerant. There is no knight in shining armor and men need to realize that their role in child raising is more crucial than they believe.
